


Palpitations

by AutisticWriter



Series: Seven Days [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Aromantic, Aromantic Monkey D. Luffy, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Monkey D. Luffy, Autistic Roronoa Zoro, Blood, Bodily Fluids, Caring, Complete, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, East Blue Saga, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fear, Fever, First Aid, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Infection, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Needles, Nightmares, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Sequel, Sickfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Urination, Vomiting, Wordcount: 30.000-50.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2020-06-15 00:16:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19598497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: The Straw Hats have found Zoro, but their struggles aren’t over. Once they get him back to the ship, they discover the extent of his injuries. But it soon becomes clear Zoro has psychological injuries too, and they find themselves trying to help him cope with panic attacks and other symptoms caused by his trauma. And whenever Zoro is awake, his anxiety means he always hears his own heartbeat drumming in his ears.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not nearly as dark as the first fic, but still mind the tags.

As Usopp stares straight ahead, eyes fixed on Zoro, so many thoughts swirl through his mind.

_I thought you were dead._

_What happened to you?_

_Oh shit, there’s so much blood!_

_Fuck, are you okay? Sorry, stupid question._

_Zoro, I’m so glad I found you!_

_Oh Zoro…_

_Shit…_

But Usopp can’t think of a thing to say. He just stares straight ahead, tears brimming in his eyes.

For seven days, they searched for Zoro, sailing endlessly and barely sleeping and getting so anxious is made them puke, and part of Usopp always feared Zoro was dead.

But he’s not dead. He’s alive. He’s right in front of him.

But… he’s covered in blood and gashes and bruises, and he looks half dead. Zoro wasn’t murdered, but something horrific has happened.

The tears spill over, leaking down his cheeks.

What should he do? Can he even do anything?

A sharp nudge in his ribs makes him jump, and Usopp turns his head. Sanji stares at him, looking close to throwing up.

“Snap out of it,” he says, firm but not angry. “We need to help him.”

Usopp nods, scrubbing the tears away with his wrists, but the tears come straight back. Following Sanji’s lead, he crosses the small cell and stands next to Zoro, still silent from horror and shock.

“Zoro,” Sanji says.

The room stinks of vomit and urine, and it’s obvious where it came from. What’s left of Zoro’s torn, tattered clothes are stained with urine and vomit, not to mention large amounts of blood. How long has he been trapped in here, unable to move?

His injuries are even more horrific up close. All over his body, stab wounds and cuts litter his skin, the skin around them covered in dry blood. Black and purple bruises pattern his face, a gash torn across his cheek and his nose crusted with blood. And his left forearm and wrist are badly broken, bones shattered beneath bruised, torn skin, and Usopp wants to be sick. How could anyone do this to him?

He’s been tortured.

Zoro stares at them both like they’re not real, his mouth moving but no words coming out. He can barely keep his eyes open, bags as black as bruises smudged beneath them, eyeballs bloodshot. But he stares at them like they will vanish if he blinks.

And then his droopy eyes fill with tears. Zoro finally blinks, and the tears trickle down his cheeks.

Usopp gasps. It’s horrific to see Zoro cry.

“Shit, I need to find the others,” Sanji babbles. “Usopp, look after him.”

He wants to snap that of course he fucking will, but Usopp keeps quiet. He watches the tears leak down Zoro’s cheeks, making small trails that wash away some of the blood, and it’s like someone just stabbed him through the heart.

“Oh, Zoro,” he says, finally speaking.

Usopp reaches out, planning to touch Zoro’s hand on his unbroken arm, but Zoro flinches. Terror flashes in his eyes, and Usopp takes a step backwards, snapping his hands to his sides.

“Shit, sorry,” he cries, sniffing.

Why did Zoro flinch? Is he scared someone will hurt him? But Usopp wouldn’t hurt him. He does know that, right?

Shaking his head slightly, Usopp stares at Zoro’s badly trembling legs, and remembers he needs to actually help. He rummages through his bag and pulls out a thick needle, the sort made just for lock picking.

He takes a slow step towards Zoro, not wanting to startle him again. “Okay, Zoro, you see this thing. I’m gonna undo your cuffs. I’m not gonna hurt you. Okay?”

Zoro stares at him, mouth moving again. but no sounds come out. He just stares.

Moving slowly, Usopp reaches out and takes hold of the cuff around Zoro’s wrist. Zoro flinches, and he babbles an apology as his voice cracks. With his other hand, he moves the end of the needle into the keyhole and wriggles it about, struggling with such a fiddly task when his hands are shaking, but the cuff clicks and releases Zoro’s wrist.

His arm falls to his side like a dead weight, his muscles not strong enough to keep it up any longer. The skin that was under the cuff is red and blistered, and Usopp winces.

“Okay, now, this one’s gonna hurt,” he says, approaching the cuff around Zoro’s broken arm. The cuff is on too tight, his red, swollen skin straining around the metal band. “Sorry, Zoro.”

Sure enough, the moment he touches the cuff, Zoro yelps in pain.

“Sorry sorry sorry,” Usopp cries, sobbing.

He fumbles with the needle, every jolt of the cuff making Zoro gasp and yelp in agony, and finally frees Zoro’s arm. Remembering what happened with his other arm, Usopp grasps Zoro’s arm at the elbow and carefully eases it down for him. Zoro can’t seem to straighten his arm, his elbow bent and his hand resting against his stomach.

“Okay, just the collar now, and then you can sit down.”

The moment Usopp unlocks the collar, Zoro’s legs give way and he hits the floor with a thud, his ankle chains clattering. Zoro cries out, head flopping backwards against the damp stone wall.

He stares at Usopp, moving his mouth again. But, this time, Zoro manages to mumble, “U…sopp,” in the most weak, broken tone Usopp has ever heard.

“Usopp,” he whispers, and Usopp crouches down beside him, tears spilling down his face.

“Oh, Zoro…”

\---

Sanji runs back the way he came, winding through pitch black tunnels in this shitty pirate base and wishing he took the torch with him. he keeps tripping over his own feet and smacking his hands and elbows into the walls, but he doesn’t – can’t – care.

All he can think about is Zoro. They found him, and he’s alive. But the poor bastard is filthy and injured and looks like total shit. He must have been tortured. There’s no other explanation. Sanji’s stomach rolls, but he manages to keep the contents of his stomach down.

He needs to locate Luffy and Nami. They have to know what has happened. They need their help if they’re ever going to get Zoro out of this place. Sanji yells their names as he backtracks, hoping he won’t get lost.

Finally, he reaches the fork in the path where they split up, and yells their names. He hurtles down the other path, calling their names until his throat burns.

“Sanji?” Luffy calls, voice echoing. “Is that you?”

“Yeah!” he yells.

“Stay there!” Nami shouts. “We’re coming.”

Soon, he hears footsteps, and then frantic breathing, and then a beam of light shines in his face, dazzling him. Nami and Luffy run right up to him, confusion and shock mingling with the terror on their faces. Nami carries something that shines in the light, but Sanji doesn’t pay it any attention.

“What is it?” she asks. “Did you find him?”

Sanji nods slowly.

“You did?!” Luffy cries, grabbing Sanji’s arms. “Where is he? Is he okay? Sanji?”

“He’s alive,” Sanji says. “But… he’s fucked up. Think he’s been tortured.”

In a single second, the hope in Luffy’s eyes fades. He stares at Sanji, and his eyes fill with tears. “T-Tortured?”

“’Fraid so. Come on, I’ll show you the way.”

As Luffy looks close to breaking down, Sanji takes the torch from his hand and Nami grabs his arm. Sanji takes the lead and they scrabble to follow him, that object glinting in the light of the torch.

“Oh crap, oh crap…” Luffy mutters to himself, trembling.

“Nami?” Sanji asks, the curiosity getting to him. “What are you holding?”

“See for yourself,” Nami says, holding it out. “But… it’s not pretty.”

Puzzled, he stares at the object in her hand, and his eyes widen. Nami holds Zoro’s swords, the only one of his three that survived the fight with Arlong’s pirates. The blade is covered in deep scratches, and splattered with large amounts of dry blood. He grimaces, and Nami drops it to her side again.

“See what I mean?” she says.

He nods. “Yeah.”

Someone was messed up pretty badly with that sword. He has to hope it wasn’t Zoro himself.

“Guys, hurry,” Luffy says, and Sanji speeds up again.

Nausea still sitting heavy in his stomach, Sanji leads the pair through the winding tunnels, the dampness making it difficult to breathe. When they reach the prison area, Luffy and Nami both react with disgust too – but then their eyes focus on the cell at the end, where Zoro and Usopp sit on the floor, and they hurtle over.

“Zoro!” Luffy shrieks, not notcing when Zoro flinches.

“Fucking hell, Zoro,” Nami says, her eyes filling with tears.

The three of rush into the cell, and Luffy’s legs buckle, having to slump against the wall to stay upright. They stare down at Zoro, taking in his horrific injuries and his semi-conscious, exhausted state, and both look like they’re going to throw up.

On the floor, Usopp has freed Zoro of his wrist cuffs and collar, and he slumps on the ground like he has no strength left. Usopp’s hands fumble as he tries to undo his ankle cuffs. Still trembling, Nami crouches down beside him and takes the needle, and Usopp gives a grateful nod.

Luffy staggers over to Zoro, just staring at him with teary, horrified eyes. “Oh shit… Zoro, your arm… your leg! What happened to your face? Oh fuck…”

His narration of Zoro’s injuries is hardly helpful, so Sanji puts a hand on his shoulder and says, “Shh, Luffy. That’s not helpful.”

Luffy sniffs, shutting up as he drops to his knees beside Zoro (getting filthy but not caring). He stares at Zoro, and then glances up at Sanji. “Zoro, who did this to you? what are their names? Where did—”

“Not helpful,” Sanji says again, holding up a hand to stop Luffy protesting. “We can do all that later. Right now, we need to get him the fuck out of here.”

With a small hum of success, Nami freezes Zoro’s ankles from the chains. It’s a good thing his ankles were in looser chains, otherwise he would have fallen flat on his face before they were undone. Still, he looks just as bad as if that actually happened.

“Right. You’re right,” Luffy says, swallowing hard.

“Okay, Zoro,” Nami says, making sure to keep her voice quiet. “We need to get you out of here. Moving you is gonna hurt, but we have to do it, okay? Luffy and Sanji are gonna pick you up, and then we can carry you back to the Merry, where you’ll be safe. Is that all okay?”

Zoro stares at her, looking as dazed as someone drunk or on drugs, and blinks slowly. He takes several seconds to actually absorb what she said, before nodding (and then wincing). He doesn’t speak, but they understand his answer.

“Right,” Nami says, looking at Luffy and Sanji. “Are you two ready?”

They both nod, and Sanji moves to crouch on his other side.

“Okay, Luffy. Let’s both put a hand under his knees and an arm under his armpit, and haul him up between us. Just be really careful of his arm. Don’t wanna fuck it up even more,” he says, and Luffy nods.

Carefully and with much reluctance, Sanji slips a hand under Zoro’s knee and helps him sit up slightly, slipping his arm under Zoro’s armpit and reaching until he grips Zoro’s chest on his other side. Luffy mirrors him, still fighting back tears every time Zoro winces and groans at the movements.

“Okay, three, two, one,” Sanji says, and they both try to stand.

Moving out of a crouch can be difficult on its own, but it’s really fucking hard when carrying your very heavy teammate (who, admittedly, is not nearly as heavy as before all this happened). Sanji’s legs almost buckle and he grits his jaw, straining to get Zoro off of the ground. Across from him, Luffy does the same, and all they can both think about is the horrific groans and yelps of agony that escape Zoro’s mouth with practically every movement. He’s in so much pain.

Finally, they stand up straight, Zoro supported between them with his head flopped against Luffy. They both tremble with effort and Zoro gasps for breath, eyelids almost shut. He’s still conscious, but is as limp as a dead weight.

When Zoro’s breaths become faster and shallower, Nami swallows and says, “He’s hyperventilating. Try to calm down, Zoro.”

But it’s futile. Zoro is in so much pain and so scared it’s probably impossible to get through to him.

When Sanji and Luffy take a step forwards, Zoro shrieks in pain and coughs up vomit, nothing but stomach acid dribbling across his chin. Sanji grimaces, but says nothing.

And, slowly, they begin to move. Usopp takes the lead, holding both torches to light the way as best as they can. Sanji and Luffy come next, the hyperventilating, almost unconscious Zoro held between them and very close to being dropped. And Nami takes the rear, holding Zoro’s bloody sword and reaching out to grab Zoro’s head whenever it slips from Luffy’s shoulder, supporting it so he doesn’t damage his neck.

It takes forever, Luffy and Sanji barely able to take a full step at a time without dropping Zoro, and each pained nosie that escapes their injured teammate stabs them both in the chest. Finally, they reach the cave mouth, and Zoro squints in the daylight, groaning. It’s hardly a briht day, but that cell had barely any light.

“Now to navigate th death trap,” Nami says.

When they first arrived at this old place, Sanji was horrified by the state it is in. The path made of steps carved into the side of the cliff is lethal, and there isn’t even a handrail rope anymore. They all nearly fell climbing up here, but now they have to do it whilst lugging Zoro with them. After everything they have been through to reunite, they better not fucking die right now.

“Shit, how are we gonna do this?” Usopp says, putting the torches back in his bag. He approaches the end, the wind whipping his hair. “It’s impossible.”

Sanji nods at Luffy and they ease Zoro to the ground, apologising in whispers as the movement causes him pain.

“Well, it’d be impossible carrying him like that,” Sanji says, rubbing his aching back.

They crouch down beside Zoro, trying to shield him from the harsh wind, and think. And think. And think.

“I’ve got an idea,” Nami says after several minutes. “But the way we’ll have to carry Zoro will really hurt and might make his injuries worse.”

“Well, so far it’s the only plan we’ve got,” Usopp says, still trembling violently. “I say we go for it.”

Soon, they find themselves enacting Nami’s plan. Luffy grabs Zoro’s legs at the ankles whilst Sanji hooks his arms under Zoro’s armpits, and they haul him off of the ground. Just as Nami feared, this puts extra strain on his exhausted, injured body, and Zoro lets out a jagged cry of pain, but they have no choice. With Usopp in front and Nami behind, they start their journey down the cliff. Usopp walks backwards, hands resting on Luffy’s back and helping him get his footing, but both of them slip and stumble the most. And Nami walks behind Sanji, ready to grab him if he slips. And they seriously travel down the cliff path like that.

It takes even longer than the walk through the cave, and it’s horrific. Zoro is in agony, and Luffy almost falls off the cliff once, only getting saved when Usopp grabs him and pins his side to the cliff behind them. All of them pant for breath, exhausted and terrified. Once, Sanji slips and falls backwards onto his ass, Zoro’s head smacking into his stomach and crushing Nami beneath them. They all let out shrieks, and Zoro pukes again when Sanji gets back to his feet.

When they finally, finally reach the sand, they put Zoro down and all four of them join him, lying on the beach as they try to catch their breath.

“Fuck, that was horrific,” Sanji says.

Nami and Usopp scrabble over to Zoro, who is almost unconscious, face set in an agonised grimace.

“We’re nearly there, Zoro,” she says, voice thick with suppressed sobs.

He groans, eyelids drooping.

Once they have got a tiny bit of energy back, Luffy and Sanji pick Zoro up in the original way, and the four of them stagger up the steps to the wooden dock, where the Merry is. Sanji has never been more relieved to see this ship before.

With an incredible amount of difficulty, they manage to haul Zoro up the ladder (it involves Sanji climbing the ladder and then leaning down over the side of the ship, Usopp holding his legs so he doesn’t fall, whilst Luffy and Nami lift Zoro as high as they can and Sanji takes him at his armpits and hauls him upwards, Nami and Luffy assisting as much as possible), and they all collapse on the deck.

Zoro trembles and whines in pain and fear, and Luffy crawls over to him, sitting next to his head. “Zoro, it’s okay. We’re back on the Merry now. You’re safe. You’re with us. You’re okay.”

His continuous rambles don’t seem to help, but at least they don’t make Zoro any worse.

If that’s even possible.

\---

As Sanji runs into the kitchen, Luffy sits right next to Zoro, fighting back tears. Zoro… Zoro looks awful, injured and scared and exhausted and in agony, and Luffy wants to hug him but doesn’t want to hurt him, and… He tries to stay positive – because at least Zoro is alive – but he just wants to scream and murder whoever did this.

Sanji returns with a cup of water, and Luffy and Usopp prop Zoro up just enough to drink without choking. Sanji holds the cup to Zoro’s lips, and Luffy watches Zoro take small sips, his lips badly cracked and torn. Zoro must be dying of thirst, but only manages half the cup before he splutters and jerks his head back.

Zoro’s eyes flicker towards Luffy, and he mumbles, “L-Luffy.”

Luffy stares back, not sure how to reply. So he doesn’t. He just stares, horrified by how weak Zoro’s voice is.

“I’ll get you some food, Zoro,” Sanji says, running off again.

But as he looks at Luffy, head propped against Luffy’s shoulder, Zoro’s eyelids close fully and he falls asleep. He slumps heavily against Luffy, snoring softly.

“He’s asleep,” Usopp whispers.

“To fall asleep in so much pain… he must be exhausted,” Nami says.

Nami gets up and wanders off, and Luffy hears her talking to Sanji, probably saying not to bother with the food. Although he wants to hug Zoro, Luffy shifts him so he lies flat on his back, watching him sleep. But even in his sleep, Zoro looks tense and anxious, and Luffy sighs.

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” Usopp says, eyes red from crying.

Luffy nods. “Awful.”

When Nami and Sanji return, she carries the first aid kit, some cloths and a small bowl, and Sanji carries a large bowl of water.

“We need to clean him up,” Nami says. “Those wounds might get infected. And he’s filthy. Seems best to do it when he’s asleep.”

“Good point,” Usopp says. “What should we do?”

“Well, first, we all need to wash and change our clothes. We’re filthy too, and we don’t want to make him worse,” she explains.

Luffy nods and the four of them go through the motions of washing any of their skin that got covered in gross stuff and changing their clothes, before gathering back around Zoro on the deck.

With Nami giving the orders, they set about cleaning up Zoro. As Zoro sleeps heavily, dead to the world, they remove his filthy, tattered clothes, leaving him naked. Without any clothes on, there are more injuries on display, including the extent of that horrific stab wound on his leg, bruises all over his chest and raised, bright red welts across his back.

Usopp retches, but doesn’t puke. Luffy thinks he might throw up, but the nausea never comes.

It’s horrifically embarrassing to be bathing Zoro in the middle of the deck in broad daylight, but none of them care. They just want to help him. As is in charge, Nami decides to be the one to clean Zoro, and that’s where the other stuff comes in. she takes a cloth and dunks it in the bowl, and then wrings it out. Carefully, she cleans the dry blood from Zoro’s face, making his injuries more obvious but less horrific without all the blood.

With his face clean, she takes another cloth and starts on his body. Luffy watches her wash the dry blood and other bodily fluids from Zoro’s skin, burning with embarrassment when she has to clean his genitals (which are all chaffed and red, presumably from wearing wet underpants and them rubbing his skin). And each time she wrings the bloody cloths out in the water, it turns a darker and darker shade of cloudy pink.

Eventually, Zoro is totally clean and dry, but still covered in injuries. To make the first aid and stuff easier, Nami says they should dress Zoro in just his underpants, and Usopp, Sanji and Luffy struggle to do just that.

“We won’t focus on the bruises for now,” Nami says. “But all his cuts need dressings on them. Oh, and we’ll have to make a splint for his arm. Usopp, can you see if you can find some stuff for a splint?”

“Oh, sure,” Usopp says, staggering to his feet and hurtling off to search the ship.

Nami opens the first aid kit and takes out a number of dressings and tape to stick them to skin. She hands a roll of tape and some dressings to Luffy and Sanji, and instructs them to get started.

He’s never done first aid before, but Luffy does his best, covering each scabbed-over gash with a dressing and taping them to his skin. First, they start with the welts on Zoro’s back, which Sanji said probably came from being whipped, and dress those. Then they lay him on his back again and cover his other injuries. A dressing wouldn’t work on his face, so Nami finds some band-aids and sticks one over the gash on his nose and cheek.

Finally, she’s left staring at the really bad wound on his leg. It must be deeper than the other wounds, the edges rough and jagged and the scab covering a very large area. Luffy thinks about getting stabbed like that, and winces.

The wound is more swollen than the others, and Nami says, “I’m worried this one might get infected. Sanji, is there any antiseptic cream in there?”

Sanji rummages through the first aid box and pulls out a tube that does just that. “Will this do?”

“Perfect,” she says, and she takes it.

Nami squirts some of the thick pink cream onto her fingers and massages it into and around the scab, and then cleans her hands. Sanji applies a dressing, and they all sit down.

“Shit, that took a while,” Sanji says, lighting up a cigarette.

“Should we move him into the bunkroom?” Usopp asks.

Nami nods, and they pick Zoro up and carefully carry him into the bunkroom, Zoro still fast asleep. They lay him on a futon and cover him with a sheet, and just watch him sleep.

He looks so weak and sick and hurt, and Luffy… Luffy breaks down sobbing. Seeing Luffy cry makes Usopp break all over again, and he lets out cracking sobs as he hugs Luffy. The pair cling to each other, and Luffy sees a few tears running down Nami’s face.

And, even though he later denies it, a few tears dribble down Sanji’s face too.

Shit, what are they going to do?


	2. Chapter 2

As she watches Zoro sleep, wiping tears from her cheeks and hearing the guys sniffle all around her, Nami’s eyes focus on Zoro’s broken arm. And then she glances at Usopp and spots an assortment of items in his hands, and it hits her.

“We never did his splint,” she says.

Luffy stares at Zoro’s arm, still bruised and swollen and bumpy in all the wrong places, and shudders. “Oh yeah. Did you get the stuff to make it, Usopp?”

Flinching, Usopp glances at Luffy and holds up the stuff in his hands. “Um, yeah. I got some stuff that I think would make a makeshift splint, but by the time I got back you were already carrying him in here and I just got distracted watching Zoro sleep. Do we… need to do it now?”

“I think we should,” Nami says. “I know we’d have to wake him, but Zoro’s arm is so badly broken he’ll never have full movement in it again. But if we straighten it and get his hand facing the right way, we might minimise the damage before it heals this way.”

Usopp sighs. “You’re right. But… he needs to sleep. And to wake him up just to cause him more pain… doesn’t that make us massive assholes?”

“It’ll be hard to watch, no doubt,” Sanji says. His hands shake slightly as he lights up a cigarette, but Nami says nothing. “But doesn’t caring for him make us the total opposite of assholes?”

“I guess so,” Usopp says. “Anyway, so… I’ve come up with a way to make a splint with all the stuff we’ve got on board.”

Usopp kneels on the floor near Zoro, putting the objects down. Nami studies three arrows with the pointed tips and feathers removes, fastened together with sticky tape to make one thick stick. Another identical set of arrows lies beside it. He also carries a long length of string and more of the tape from the first aid kit.

“How does it work, then?” Luffy asks, sniffing as he squats down beside Zoro.

“We’ll hold the sticks on opposite sides of his wrist and leading straight up his arms, and then wrap the string around them to bind them to his arm, holding them in place with tape if needed. That should work, right?”

Nami nods, picturing the splint in her mind. It’s hardly technical, but it should work. “Sounds fine. Okay, so when we do this, Zoro will thrash from the pain. We might need to pin him down. I’ll straighten his arm, and then Usopp will do the splint. Okay?”

She stares at them all, reading the apprehension on their faces. Of course, she doesn’t want to do this either; the thought of straightening a broken limb makes her feel sick, and the thought of causing her poor partner even more pain makes her stomach churn worse than ever. But they have to do it.

Sanji nods. “Okay. Luffy, you wake him up.”

Luffy sniffs again, nodding. “Okay.”

Nami watches Luffy crawl over to Zoro and gently whisper his name. Zoro doesn’t even flinch, totally out of it.

“Should we just do it whilst he’s asleep?” he asks.

“But he’ll wake up in agony,” Nami says. “We need to get his permission first.”

Sanji sighs. “Give his shoulders a shake, Luffy.”

Carefully, as though scared Zoro might shatter like glass if he is too rough, Luffy does what Sanji says. He places his hands on Zoro’s shoulders and shakes them. Zoro’s eyelids twitch, but he doesn’t wake up.

Luffy does it again, and again. Finally, Zoro wakes up, his eyelids flickering open. But then his eyes open wide and a sharp intake of breath startles them all. Panic flutters across his face, and only when he recognises his crewmates does Zoro calm down. But he’s left terrified and half asleep, staring at them.

“Luffy?” he mumbles.

“Sorry, Zoro,” Luffy says. “I know you need your sleep, but we need to do something.”

“Yeah, we need to set your broken arm and put a splint on it,” Nami says, trying to be as gentle as she possibly can.

“Set… my arm?” Every single syllable seems to take Zoro immense effort, concentrating hard to move his cracked lips and form the words in his sleep deprived mind. But they all understand his words. And the fear in his voice.

“Yeah, we do,” Sanji says. “We’re not gonna lie to you. It’ll hurt. But… it won’t take long, and we’ll stay with you.”

Zoro blinks blearily, clearly having issues processing their words too. His lips move, but no sound comes out.

“I… I…” Zoro swallows and bites his bottom lip. And then he takes a ragged breath and mumbles, “O-Okay.”

He clearly doesn’t want to, and Nami doesn’t blame him. But… he’s trying to be brave.

Her eyes sting with tears, and Nami blinks rapidly to stop them falling.

“Okay. So… is it okay if Usopp holds your legs and Sanji your right arm whilst Luffy keeps your head still?” she asks.

Zoro stares at her, frowning with concentration. “No… ankles… wr-wrists or…” He trails off, clenching his right hand into a weak fist. “O-Or…”

“Zoro, it’s okay,” Luffy says, recognising the distress before the rest of them. “It’s okay.”

“I think I get it,” Usopp says. “He doesn’t want us to touch his ankles or his wrists. That’s where his cuffs where. Does that mean you don’t want your neck touched either?”

Zoro flinches, staring at Usopp. The weakest ghost of a smile flickers on his lips, and he mumbles, “Yeah.”

“We understand,” Nami says whilst Luffy’s eyes fill with tears.

Luffy wipes his eyes before Zoro notices, crawling to sit by Zoro’s head. “Okay… I’ll put my hands on your head like this…” He says, slowly reaching his hands out. Zoro doesn’t flinch, letting Luffy clamp his hands over the sides of Zoro’s head, palms of his hands against Zoro’s ears.

The rest of them get into position, being mindful not to touch the areas that will cause Zoro more distress. Nami kneels in front of his broken arm, not sure where to start.

She’s never set a broken limb before. And when most people set a broken bone, it’s for a simple fracture and it’s easy to align the ends of the bones. But Zoro’s arm is broken in a dozen places, bones so damaged he would need surgery far more complex than anything they have at this stage of civilisation. So no matter how hard she tries, she won’t be able to get his arm back to normal. But… she needs to try. She needs to help Zoro, otherwise his bones will fix in the wrong places and make it really hard to move his wrist. And whatever she does will hardly make him worse than he is right now.

“Okay, Zoro,” Nami says. “I’m gonna hold your hand, and put my other hand on your elbow. I need to… get your hand facing the right way and try to stop those pieces of bone from trying to poke through your skin. It’ll hurt. Probably a lot. But… I promise I’m not doing this to hurt you.” A lump forms in her throat, and Nami’s voice cracks. “I promise. Okay, ready?”

“Y-Yeah,” Zoro mumbles, apprehension shaking in his voice.

And… she begins.

Mindful of how even the slightest movement will cause pain, Nami grasps Zoro’s clammy hand, holding it tightly. Zoro flinches and she mumbles an apology. Nami puts her other hand on Zoro’s elbow, pinning it to the futon. A hiss of pain escapes Zoro, and he clenches his jaw. And then Nami takes a deep breath and twists his hand.

She actually hears the crunch of broken bones rubbing together, and Zoro screams in pain. Apologies pour out of her mouth as Zoro thrashes against his restraints, the others having to fight to keep him pinned down. Usopp screams his eyes up, his face clammy with nausea.

Nami keeps twisting, ignoring the screams of agony and the horrible noises, and only stops when Zoro’s hand faces the direction it is meant to. Zoro’s whole body trembles, eyes screwed up and breathes coming out as frantic gasps.

“Okay, that’s your wrist done,” Nami babbles, voice hitching. “You did so well, Zoro.”

She knows she’s patronising him, but can’t find another way to congratulate him on tolerating extreme pain.

“Do you want a rest before I do your arm?”

His jaw still gritted, Zoro hisses, “N-No. Just… do it.”

“Okay.”

This would be easier if she could grip his wrist, but he would panic if she did. Nami will have to do her best whilst holding his hand. Keeping his elbow pinned to the futon, Nami tightens her grip on Zoro’s hand… and pulls.

His broken bones visibly shift beneath the skin, and Zoro retches. As Luffy babbles reassuring phrases in an increasingly shaky voice, Nami gives Zoro’s hand another hard tug, managing to straighten a deformed lump on his arm. Another tug, and his arm takes on a much more normal shape. Zoro thrashes and shakes, and then… goes limp.

“Zoro?” Sanji says.

“Zoro?” Usopp gasps.

“He, he fainted,” Luffy says. He takes his hands from Zoro’s head and carefully readjusts the dressing on Zoro’s forehead. “But… he’s breathing.”

“I think… that’s all I can do,” Nami says, studying his arm. It looks much better than when she first saw it, but jerking his arm around like this will make the bruising worse and his bones are still broken beyond repair. “Usopp, can you do his splint now?”

Usopp swallows hard, sniffing. “Um… yeah.”

“And we should put him in the recovery position afterwards!” Luffy says, grinning like a kid who just got the right answer in class. Nami must not be the only one to have taken first aid lessons as a child.

“You’re right. First… Usopp?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Nami watches as Usopp, still close to puking, carefully holds one of the arrow bundles against Zoro’s arm, the long arrow reaching from Zoro’s elbow to halfway down his hand.

“Luffy, can you… hold it?” he asks.

Luffy nods, and holds it to Zoro’s bruised skin as Usopp secures it in place with some tape. They repeat the process on the other side of Zoro’s arm, and then Usopp takes out the rope. He wraps it tightly up the length of Zoro’s broken arm, securing it in place with more tape. When he has finished, Zoro’s wrist and forearm are immobilised, and Nami smiles.

“I have to say, it’s a pretty realistic splint,” she says, smiling. “Well done, Usopp.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he mumbles, and Sanji rolls his eyes at his bashful expression.

“Okay, now the recovery position,” Nami says. “Luffy, do you want to help?”

When Luffy grins, Nami realises that involving Luffy directly in Zoro’s care is a good idea; Luffy is desperate to be of help, and tasks like this must be a welcome distraction from the hopeless fear tearing him up inside.

With Sanji and Usopp watching, she and Luffy roll the unconscious Zoro into the recovery position, his left arm stretched out in front of him. This position puts pressure on his wounds, but it’s the only way to keep him safe when passed out.

Once Zoro is in the right position, Nami stands up and just stares at him. And Luffy doesn’t move, kneeling beside Zoro with his hands in his lap and trembling violently. Nami doesn’t say anything, knowing he needs this.

Luffy stays in the room even after they leave, hands clenched into trembling fists.

\---

It may only be mid afternoon, but Sanji decides to start making dinner. He doubts any of them have an appetite (he certainly doesn’t), but they need to eat. They need to make an attempt to keep their normal routine. They need… a distraction.

As he heads to the kitchen, Sanji realises Luffy is still in the bunkroom. His stare seems to burn into Zoro, whole body trembling with nervous tension. Sanji says nothing, leaving him to it.

Out on deck, Usopp has decided to destroy the filthy, tattered clothing they found Zoro in. so he has borrowed Sanji’s lighter and kneels on deck, a large metal bucket in front of him. tears in his eyes, Usopp takes a knife and slashes the clothes to pieces, dumping them in the bucket. Then he ignites a piece of paper and drops it into the bucket. Soon, flames crackle inside the bucket, the clothes being burned away.

On the other side of the deck, Nami holds a broom and frantically sweeps the deck. When he asked why, she said, “I need to be busy.” So he leaves her be as she sweeps and sweeps, wishing he could take her pain away.

As Usopp watches the flames, Sanji enters the kitchen and starts preparing dinner. He can’t be bothered with something fancy, so Sanji opts for a vegetable soup with mochi, one of Luffy’s favourite foods. And as he chops and chops vegetables, Sanji lets his mind drift away, focused entirely on his task.

But when the task is over, all the thoughts and fears come flooding back, and Sanji lets out a deep sigh. Letting the chopped vegetables and stock simmer, Sanji leans against the doorframe, watching Usopp carry the bucket over to the railing. Usopp holds it over the side of the ship and upturns it, ashes fluttering in the wind.

“There, now they’re gone,” Usopp says when Sanji spots him, smiling despite his red eyes.

He doesn’t really understand why Usopp felt the need to burn the clothes, but he says nothing, simply nodding and smiling back.

To be honest, everyone is acting weird. But can you really blame them?

\---

Despite not being hungry and actually feeling quite sick, Luffy shoves spoonfuls of soup into his mouth. Sanji’s food always tastes delicious, but this doesn’t taste like anything to Luffy. It’s like he’s just going through the motions of eating, but not actually savouring it.

Across the table, Sanji eats slowly, but he’s clearly having to force it down. Usopp and Nami barely manage a few spoonfuls before they give up, nausea written across their faces.

The moment he has emptied his bowl, Luffy drops his spoon with a clatter and jumps to his feet, rambling, “Thanks for the food, Sanji!”

He runs back into the bunkroom, and so much tension lifts from his chest when he looks at Zoro. Because Zoro is still here. He is still safe. He is still alive.

It seems pathetic, but part of him actually felt guilty for leaving Zoro alone. He doesn’t understand it, but nothing makes sense anymore.

Still, that doesn’t matter. Because he is back.

Kicking off his shoes, Luffy plonks down on a futon across from his partner (who they rolled onto his back earlier when he started regaining consciousness, only to fall into a deep sleep seconds later), crosses his legs and stares at Zoro. He can’t wake him, and he can’t cuddle him. so this is all he has left: some sort of weird vigil by Zoro’s bedside.

Luffy just stares and stares, tears stinging his eyes and starting to rock himself back and forth.

He just watches Zoro, nibbling on his bottom lip until he draws blood.

\---

When night falls, the Straw Hats follow the routine they have followed this past week. They drop anchor at sunset, and decide to go to bed. Zoro is still asleep, and doesn’t wake when they all trudge into the bunkroom (except Luffy, who has been at Zoro’s side all evening) and get ready for bed.

Sanji climbs onto his hammock, but Nami finds Usopp and Luffy staring at the futons. Of course; the four of them always pull three futons side-by-side and sleep together. But… they can’t cuddle up with Zoro, who is way too injured and panicky for that.

“Guys, we should just… stay close, but not close enough to touch him,” she says. “And we’re in the same room. We can hear him breathing. I’m sure we’ll all go back to our old sleeping system soon.”

Of course, she’s lying; she has no idea if or when Zoro will be well enough for cuddling. But if Luffy and Usopp see through her bullshit, they don’t say anything.

“Okay, let’s do that,” Luffy says.

Soon, Nami finds herself lying beside Usopp with Luffy on his other side, all three of them cuddled up close. just as Nami said, in the quiet, they can hear Zoro’s heavy breathing. And she can also hear the shallow, shuddering breaths of Usopp, Luffy and herself.

Despite her anxiety, the fatigue starts to take Nami over. With Usopp’s hair tickling her face, Nami drifts off to sleep, her mind focused on nothing but Zoro.

\---

“Shh, it’s okay.”

“I, It’s not!”

“I know. But… he’s here. We’re together.”

Nami stirs to the sound of voices. It’s pitch black, but she doesn’t need to see.

Because Usopp is crying.

He sniffles and whines, whilst Luffy tries to sooth him.

“Usopp?” she says, reaching out to touch him. She wraps her arms around him, pulling him close.

Just as she heard a few seconds ago, she knows offering pointless phrases won’t help. So Nami just strokes his hair and holds him close, letting Usopp cry until he has no tears left.

And Nami has to admit she sheds a couple of tears before falling asleep, her dreams nothing but confusion and fear.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite his fear giving him stomach cramps and a horrible headache, not to mention the awful situation of waking up in the middle of the night to his partner sobbing, Luffy manages to sleep in later than sunrise for the first time in days. He comes around to the smell of smoked fish, and his nostrils twitch. Sanji always makes breakfast at 8am, so it’s pretty easy to tell the time.

Still, despite getting enough sleep, he doesn’t exactly feel any better. Luffy yawns and stretches his arms above his head, muscles stiff and aching. He’s the only one on the futon, Nami and Usopp already out of bed, so he can stretch without the possibility of punching one of them across the face (which he has done before). Once he has finished stretching, Luffy slaps himself across both cheeks and turns to stare at Zoro.

His partner is still fast asleep, snoring softly. Blood has started soaking through a couple of his dressings, small patches of reddish-brown speckling the white bandages. Every single part of his body must ache unbearably, but he’s still deeply asleep. He looks sleep deprived, but Luffy had no idea his sleep deprivation was this severe. Was… was Zoro kept awake the entire week he was gone?

Luffy shivers, wanting to hug Zoro but not wanting to wake him up. Besides, touching Zoro seems to freak him out, so it’s probably safer to keep his distance. Still… he wants to cuddle Zoro so badly, to stroke his hair and comfort him. But that’s not going to happen.

Sighing, Luffy gets to his feet and, with some reluctance, leaves the bunkroom. After washing up, he joins Nami and Usopp at the table, slumping with his elbows on the tabletop.

“Morning, guys,” he mumbles.

Usopp yawns, rubbing his eyes. “Morning. Uh, Luffy… I’ve already said this to Nami but… thanks for last night.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Luffy says, trying to forget the sound of Usopp’s desperate sobs.

“Thanks,” Usopp says, smiling.

“Hey, Luffy,” Nami says, waggling her fingers. “Is Zoro still asleep?”

“Yeah, he’s totally out of it.” Luffy bounces his legs under the table, propping his chin on his hand. “Uh, guys…” He doesn’t want to think about it again, but it just seems easier to voice his worries rather than bottling them up. “Do you think Zoro’s so tired cos… he was awake the whole time?”

Usopp gulps. Nami sighs.

“Probably,” she says, her face tense with pain. “I mean, he was chained upright, and that collar would’ve choked him if he fell asleep. So… I think you’re right, Luffy.”

Luffy lets out a shaky sigh, his stomach clenching. “I… thought so. But, but can someone even be awake that long?”

“People have been recorded spending eleven or twelve days awake in one go,” says Usopp, always one for random trivia. But his voice quivers, his bottom lip twitching. “Usually cos they were drugged. But… it’s possible. Makes you hallucinate and stuff, though. It’s an in-incredible amount of stress t-to put a person through…”

“Uh, guys, we should stop talking about this now,” Nami says, reaching for Usopp’s shaking hand.

Luffy smiles weakly. “Good idea.”

A couple of minutes later, Sanji arrives with his usual impressive breakfast spread. Despite still feeling pretty sick, hunger has started to gnaw at Luffy’s guts, so he takes a bowl of miso soup – grinning when he sees the mochi floating in it.

Sanji smirks when he sees the grin. “You’re so easy to please, Luffy.”

Deciding to take it as a compliment, Luffy starts to eat. He takes it slow, not wanting the nausea to get worse and make him waste all this food, but he notices the others picking at their food, too anxious to even manage to eat. He doesn’t blame them.

“Oh, um, some of Zoro’s dressings need changing,” Luffy says. “They’ve bled through. Sorry, I shouldn’t be bringing this up over breakfast.”

“No, it’s fine,” Sanji says. “Is the bleeding bad?”

“No, just… a little bit.”

“Okay, thanks for telling me,” Nami says. “I’ll sort it out after breakfast.”

Luffy puts down his spoon, his words catching in his throat. He knows what he wants to say, so why won’t the words come out?

“You okay, Luffy?” Usopp asks.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. I just… Nami… can you teach me how to do the bandages and stuff? I, I don’t want all the work to be on you,” he says, going red.

“Why are you going red, you dork?” Sanji says, snorting.

Even Luffy has no idea. He’s good at getting embarrassed for no reason.

He glances at Nami, and she smiles back.

“Of course I can,” she says. “I can teach all three of you if you want.”

“Good idea,” Sanji says. “We can spread the workload.”

Nami smiles, and manages to eat a bit more. Usopp still looks like he might throw up, though.

Once they have all finished eating, Nami leans forwards in her seat. “So, about what to do now… I think we should sail to the nearest port.”

“What, for more supplies?” Usopp says.

“I was thinking more of a doctor.”

Luffy flinches. “A doctor.”

“Yeah, of course. Zoro’s injuries go way beyond the abilities of my first aid training. He needs a plaster cast on his broken arm. He needs some real painkillers, not the shitty ones in the first aid kit. He…” Her voice cracks, and Nami’s breathing hitches. “I need to check he’s definitely gonna get better.”

“Hey, don’t get upset, my darling,” Sanji says.

“But… that is a good idea,” Usopp says, patting Nami’s arm. “And we need more first aid supplies too.”

“And it’s never a bad idea to buy more food!” Luffy says, smiling.

“Okay, so… is that a plan?” Nami asks.

Luffy and Usopp nod, and Sanji says, “Sounds good to me.”

Nami grins. “Okay, great! I’ll go study my charts and plot a course.”

And Nami jumps to her feet and dashes to locate her chest of cartography supplies, leaving the three guys sat at the table.

And that’s when Luffy realises he has absolutely no idea how to spend his day. Should he just sit beside Zoro all day, or is there anything else he can do?

\---

Once breakfast is over and Nami has Luffy following her navigation directions, she grabs the first aid kit and wanders over to Usopp.

“I’m gonna do his dressings now. Wanna help?”

Usopp nods. “Yes please.”

Still looking like the slightest thing will make him start crying, Usopp trails after Nami and they enter the bunkroom together.

Just like when she got up a couple of hours ago, Zoro is still asleep. But, just as Luffy said, a couple of his dressings have began to bleed through, and need to be changed.

“Is it… bad that they’re bleeding?” Usopp asks.

Nami kneels on the floor beside Zoro, putting the first aid kit down beside her. As she opens it and takes out the hand sanitizer, she glances at him and says, “Not really. He doesn’t have stitches, and the wounds are pretty new. A bit of bleeding is normal. It’s only a problem if the scabs rip open and make him bleed everywhere. But that hasn’t happened this time. Hold out your hands.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Usopp says, holding his hands out, palms upward. He flinches when the cold gel squirts onto his palm, but rubs it between his hands, sterilising them.

Nami does the same, and then takes out a clean dressing. “Okay, so, I’ll do the first one, and you can do the second one, okay? Just watch what I do. It’s not very hard. The most important part is not to touch the parts of the dressing that’ll come into contact with the wound.”

Usopp nods, but looks a bit confused. “Okay.”

Using skills she learned as a kid, Nami shuffles further along Zoro’s prone form, until she can easily reach the stab wound on his upper arm. And with Usopp watching her, she starts unpeeling the tape sticking the dressing to his skin.

“Not all the wounds need a bandage. Only the really deep ones, mainly to help with pressure.”

“Like the one on his leg?” Usopp says, grimacing at the mention of the horrifically deep wound on his thigh.

“Exactly,” Nami says. “Speaking of that wound, it hasn’t bled through, but as it was looking kinda swollen, we should check on that one too. Okay, so…” She peels off the dressing on his arm, revealing a small amount of bleeding from a crack in the centre of the scab. “Yeah, that looks pretty normal.”

“That’s good.”

Talking Usopp through every step of the process, Nami takes the clean dressing and holds it carefully, before placing it over the wound. She presses it down and applies strips of tape to the edges, securing it firmly to Zoro’s arm.

“Did you get all that?” she asks.

Usopp nods. “I think so.”

“Good. now it’s your turn.”

Now it’s Nami’s turn to watch, staring at Usopp as he changes the other bloody dressing, this one on Zoro’s forehead. Usopp does a perfectly adequate, if a bit clumsy job, and Nami smiles when he sits up and looks at her. But she knows both their minds are focused on how deeply asleep Zoro is; he’s very sensitive to touch, but having Usopp’s hands on his face didn’t even make him stir.

Still, she tries to ignore it. “Good job, Usopp.”

“Thanks,” he says, blushing.

“Now just the one on his leg. I just wanna check on it.”

Quickly, and with Usopp having to force himself to watch, Nami unwraps the bandages around Zoro’s leg and exposes his most severe injury. Just like last night, the skin around this wound is a bit too puffy for her liking, but he doesn’t have a fever and she can’t spot any signs of pus under the skin.

“I think he’s okay,” she says, trying to ignore the doubt.

Once they have redressed that wound, she and Usopp flop on their backs, listening to Zoro breathing. Usopp reaches for her hand, and she doesn’t pull away.

\---

As Nami and Usopp head into the bunkroom (presumably to change Zoro’s dressings and give Usopp a lesson in first aid at the same time), Luffy stands at the ship’s wheel, steering in the direction Nami told him to. Apparently, at their current speed they should reach the port in three or four days. Luffy just has to hope Zoro won’t get any worse during that time.

He breaks his attention from his thoughts at the weird sound of metal against wood. Luffy turns his head to find Sanji kneeling on the deck, a half-full bucket of water in front of him and a rag in his hand. And in his other hand…

“What are you doing with that?” Luffy asks, staring at Zoro’s sword.

After all, the sword is so damaged and bloodstained that it makes Luffy feel sick to look at for too long.

“I’m gonna clean it,” Sanji says. “I know it’s broken beyond use and with Zoro’s arm the way it is he… probably won’t be able to use it, but… he’s always considered his swords kinda… comforting, right?”

“Oh yeah,” Luffy says, nodding. “His swords are totally comfort objects for him. He was so upset when he lost his other two. But…” He trails off, gulping. “Sanji, you don’t think that blood’s his, do you?”

Sanji sighs, eyes flickering to stare at the blade in his hand. “I… dunno. I wish I could give you a straight answer but… I just don’t know.”

“But as long as we get the blood off, he’ll be happy to see it again when he wakes up?”

“That’s the plan. Unless…” Sanji trails off, and he never finishes his sentence. Just what doubts run through his mind? He clears his throat. “That’s the plan. Wanna help?”

“I… I think I better steer the ship,” Luffy says, glancing at the compass to make sure he is still steering the Merry in the right direction. But they both know his real reason for saying no; Luffy can’t bring himself to touch the sword, just in case it is covered in Zoro’s blood. “You can do it.”

“Okay, just wanted to be sure.”

And Sanji begins to clean the sword. Luffy splits his attention between staring out at sea and watching Sanji clean the blade, grimacing when Sanji really has to scrub hard to get the bloodstains off of the blade and watching pinkish droplets of water drip into the bucket.

After several minutes, Sanji gets the last trace of blood off of the sword. Without the bloodstains, it looks a lot less like something out of a haunted house, but the damage to the blade is even more obvious now.

“There, job done,” Sanji says, tossing the rag into the bucket of bloody water. “We can try giving it to him when he wakes up. But Luffy…” Sanji stands up and wanders over, expression grim. “If Zoro panics when he sees it, get it away from him.”

“Okay,” Luffy says, sighing. “Thanks for doing this, Sanji.”

Sanji gives a weak smile, pulling a cigarette out of his box. “No problem.”

\---

Sanji sits at the table, picking at his food and trying to get the sight of the bloody sword out of his mind, when a noise makes him jump. He turns his head, the others all reacting the same way.

“What was that?” Usopp says.

“Shh!” Nami hisses, swatting at him.

They strain their ears, and the noise happens again. And, this time, they recognise it.

It’s a gasp, a muffled sound but a clear intake of breath nevertheless. And the only who could gasp like that is…

“Is Zoro awake?” Luffy says, eyes widening.

But then a loud shriek emanates from the bunkroom, a strangled shriek of agony and terror, and they all freeze.

“Oh shit,” Sanji whispers.

Zoro is awake. But… he’s terrified.

They have to go see him! They have to calm him down.

They have to help him.


	4. Chapter 4

_Pain._

_Fear._

_Confusion._

_Chains cutting into his wrists._

_Blood coating his face._

_Wounds stinging and itching._

_Fatigue burning his brain like a punch across the face._

_Taunts._

_Pain._

_So much pain._

Zoro can’t even process what the nightmare is about, only able to catch fragments in his swirling mind. He fidgets in his sleep, face clenched into a scowl of fear and discomfort as dreams play on the insides of his eyelids. His stiff, injured limbs twitch, trying to escape despite being deep in dream sleep.

A small whine escapes his throat, his head jerking to the side on his pillow. His guts churn with terror and nausea, but he still doesn’t wake.

_His head pinned to the cold, wet floor and a wet cloth clamped across his nose and mouth. Struggling desperately, pain and fear of drowning all he can think about as water is poured onto the cloth. He coughs and splutters, inhaling more water as he tries to get air into his burning lungs, so close to fainting but somehow clinging to consciousness. He can’t breathe he’s going to die his lungs ache he needs to breathe breathe breathe…_

_A whip striking his back, sharp jolts of sickening pain. Blood dribbling from thin welts, his shirt and skin tattered and torn._

_Needing to sleep, but choking whenever he tries to do so._

_Blood gumming his eyelashes, flecks of red in the edges of his vision._

_He can’t move his fingers, his wrist and forearm shattered. Splinters of bone rub together, making him feel sick._

_Puking despite cramping hunger and overwhelming thirst, hacking up nothing but stomach acid as his guts roll with nausea._

_Longing for his teammates, but being alone._

_Oppressing, overwhelming darkness, unable to see anything. The constant drip drip drip of water._

_Sneering voices and mocking laughs._

_Wanting to die…_

He can’t control it, memories swirling through his sleeping mind and overlapping until it’s nothing but a blur of horrific images.

He knows he is dreaming, but he can’t wake up.

_Wake up wake up wake up!_

Every movement of his injured limbs sends shooting pains through his weakened body, but, still, Zoro doesn’t wake. Severe sleep deprivation has caused incredibly deep sleep, sleep that even terror and pain can’t pull him out of.

_I want to wake up._

_I don’t want to be alone._

His breathes come out as shuddering gasps, his lungs tight with panic. Even in such deep sleep, Zoro panics, so why can’t he wake himself up?

Nightmares like this – nightmares where you know you are dreaming and know it is all fake but it scares you nevertheless and no matter how hard you plead with your subconscious you can’t fucking wake up – are the worst. They are hell.

He survived his seven days of torture, only to be brought back to it the moment he closes his eyes.

As he fidgets and writhes in his sleep, Zoro rolls onto his side, groaning and frowning and longing for the movies to stop. But as he rolls, he moves his arms and ends up lying on his broken arm, pressing the makeshift splint into his swollen, fractured arm and sending horrific pains up his arm and down his hand.

And, despite his deep, deep sleep, the disgusting pain brings him back to consciousness.

Zoro whines in agony, his eyes snapping open. He lurches into a sitting position, the panic hitting him as the pain rages, and as he realises he has no idea where he is, a pathetic, strangled shriek escapes his mouth.

Where is he? Why does everything hurt?

Why is he so fucking terrified?

Why did things have to end up like this?

\---

The horrible shriek ringing in her ears, Nami leads the way as the four crewmates scrabble towards the source of the sound. Zoro has been asleep for hours, even his severe injuries unable to wake him, so what finally did it?

Judging by the terrified sound, it must have been a nightmare.

Nami knows from personal experience how easily nightmares attack you, sneaking into your mind during your sleep and tormenting you. But her nightmares are so frequent and severe thanks to her PTSD, so what has caused Zoro to react like this?

Unless… is he developing PTSD too?

Nami stops at the door to the bunkroom, wanting to burst in but also not wanting to make Zoro worse. So as the guys stand behind her, Luffy bouncing up and down with nervous energy, Nami takes a moment to knock twice, before slowly opening the door.

And then she stares. Just as she feared, Zoro sits up in bed, gasping for breath and trembling. His very pale face has flushed red, his broken arm held out in front of him and his good hand grabbing at his chest, his breaths jagged and short. Panic and agony are written across his face, and suppressed tears shine in his bloodshot eyes.

“Oh, shit, Zoro!” Luffy cries, pushing past Nami. He hurries over to Zoro, dropping to a crouch. But Zoro flinches away from him, breathing hitching. “Zoro?”

“Luffy, get away from him!” Sanji hisses. “You’re making him worse.”

Luffy looks like he wants to argue (after all, being told you are hurting somehow you care about when you are trying to help must feel awful), but he retreats to the doorway where the others stand. But he doesn’t take his eyes from Zoro, his hands flapping at his sides.

Mindful to speak quietly and keep her distance, Nami says, “Zoro, it’s okay.”

But it doesn’t help. Of course it doesn’t. Zoro is having a panic attack, and no amount of soothing phrases will help.

Nami has a lot of experience with panic attacks too. Once one has started, there’s little you can do, instead having to wait it out.

She also knows just how much they hurt, your lungs on fire as you try to breath, terror cramping your guts and making your head ache, fear so overwhelming controlling you that you often forget where or even who you are.

Certain that people being near him is making Zoro worse, Nami realises they should leave. As much as she wants to stay, she can’t let the four of them drag this attack out any longer. So despite guilt eating away at her guts, she grabs Sanji and Usopp by the wrists, hauling them out of the doorway and out on deck. Luffy stumbles after them, hands flapping harder.

“Nami?” Luffy says, glancing at Zoro through the doorway.

“Our presence was making him worse,” Nami says.

Usopp sighs, hugging himself. “Yeah, I guess it was. Poor Zoro…”

“Wait, I have an idea!” Luffy says, and he hurtles across the deck.

Nami watches him, flicking her gaze between the panicking Zoro and whatever the hell Luffy is up to, longing to comfort Zoro but not daring. When he has calmed down, they can have a conversation about how he wants to be treated during any future panic attacks, but for now… they just have to wait.

Luffy comes back, holding Zoro’s clean but still broken sword. He grips the handle with one shaking hand, the other letting the blade rest across its palm. “His sword!” When Luffy realises nobody understands him, he adds, “Zoro’s swords are comfort objects for him, right? So if I give him this… s’cuse me, Nami.”

Before Nami even has a chance to tell Luffy this is a bad idea, Luffy barges into the bunkroom. Just like before, Zoro freezes when Luffy approaches, but Luffy doesn’t leave. She wants to go in there and grab the idiot, but she can’t move.

Luffy drops to his knees beside Zoro, and holds out the sword. “Here, Zoro,” he says, voice soft but quivering slightly. “I’ve got you your sword.”

But when Zoro’s teary, terrified eyes focus on the sword, everything gets about a million times worse.

Zoro lurches backwards, another strangled shriek escaping his throat. Pure terror radiates from his trembling form, eyes never once leaving the sword.

“Zoro?” Luffy says, the truth starting to sink in.

“Shit!” Sanji hisses, and he runs over and wrenches the sword out of Luffy’s grip.

As Zoro panics and Luffy just sits there, horrified, Sanji runs out on deck, taking the sword out of Zoro’s line of sight. Zoro does seem to relax a bit when the sword has left, but it’s too little, too late.

Nami just watches as Zoro completely, totally loses it. He starts to sob, tears streaming down his face and sobs catching in his throat, the cries weak and agonised and truly the sort of sound that will haunt Nami for the rest of her life. His broken arm stays limp in his lap, but Zoro’s other arm moves up to his head, fingers digging into his skull as he clutches at his head hard enough to leave bruises.

This must be a panic attack, but it looks different now. No – this looks more like a meltdown, one of the things that happens to Zoro and Luffy when their senses get overwhelmed and they break down. But it’s different to Zoro’s last meltdown; he wasn’t hyperventilating during the meltdown, and he rocked and thrashed a lot more.

Maybe… maybe this is a weird mix of a panic attack and a meltdown, Zoro’s thrashing movements limited by his injuries, and the terror causing him to breathe too fast. That’s probably it… but Nami realises she has no clue how to handle something like this.

Zoro’s good arm swings down, smashing his fist against the floor beside his futon. He hisses in pain, doing it again and again. But moving his arm puts strain on his injuries, and speckles of blood form on the dressing on his upper arm. Has he torn his wound open?

“Oh shit…” Usopp mutters, turning his head. “I c-can’t watch this.”

She can’t blame him. it’s… horrible.

Finally, after several agonising minutes of crying and panicking, Zoro starts to calm down. But he screws his eyes up and lurches to the side, dizziness overwhelming him. Zoro flops back onto the futon, eyelids flickering. Within seconds, he has passed out, breathing heavily through his mouth.

“Is it… over?” Nami says, even though she probably knows the most out of anyone here.

“I think so,” Sanji whispers, putting a cigarette in his mouth but not lighting it. “Should we…?”

“Yeah.” She nods, swallowing. “Dressing and recovery position.”

Usopp finally opens his eyes, peeking around the doorframe and staring at Zoro. “I’ll d-do it.”

As Usopp dashes for the first aid kit, Nami and Sanji wander into the room. Nami kneels by Zoro’s head, tilting his head back with a hand on his forehead and two fingers under his chin, just to ensure he doesn’t choke himself with his tongue before they can get him into a safe position. Sanji kneels by Zoro’s feet, biting down hard on the cigarette.

“Poor bastard,” Sanji mutters.

Nami murmurs, not sure what to say. She wouldn’t put it quite like that, but Sanji’s right. Poor Zoro.

Usopp returns with the first aid kit in his hands, shaking but forcing himself to smile. “Okay, I got it!”

As Usopp cleans his hands and starts to remove the bloody dressing, Luffy pokes his head into the room. His whole body trembles, his face tense.

“G-Guys… sorry for… making him worse,” he says, voice weak and cracking on his final word. He bows his head, but Nami spots tears shining in his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Nami says. “We know you didn’t mean it. But… don’t rush towards him like that again, okay? I know how much you want to comfort Zoro, but we have to be really careful.”

“We sure do,” Usopp mumbles, pulling off the dressing. A crack has formed in the scab, a thin but constant trickle of blood leaking across his skin. He takes a wad of gauze and starts mopping up the blood, and Nami has to feel proud that he has picked up on first aid so quickly.

Sanji sighs, pulling his cigarette out of his mouth and revealing he split it in two with his teeth. “Kinda confirmed by fears, though. To see Zoro freak about his sword even though there’s no blood… guys, he really did get fucked up with his own sword, didn’t he?”

Nami flinches despite rationally knowing Sanji is correct, and sighs. “Yeah, you’re right. He’s traumatised. I don’t know why I even considered he wouldn’t be, after all the shit he went through.”

“A-And they made all these awful w-wounds with Zoro’s sword?” Luffy whispers, voice cracking again.

“Probably not all of them,” Nami says, a lump forming in her throat. “But… a lot. Probably, yeah.”

“Fuck…” Sanji mutters.

Usopp gulps, nausea written across his clammy face. He trembles as he takes a clean dressing and presses it to Zoro’s still bleeding arm, tears in his eyes. “He’s traumatised?”

Nami nods, wanting to add that she knows far too much about trauma from her own life but saying nothing. “Yeah.”

Finishing the first aid, Usopp stands up. After Nami and Sanji roll Zoro into the recovery position and check his breathing just in case… Luffy slumps against the doorframe, clenching his hands into tight fists.

“It’s not fair,” Luffy says, and a couple of tears leak from his eyes. “I thought everything would go back to normal after we got Zoro back – even if that makes me an idiot, I had to think it. But… it’s not like that. It’s nothing like that.”

“Come on, Luffy,” Sanji says, putting a hand on Luffy’s back. He steers Luffy out on deck, Nami and Usopp following.

Luffy drops to his knees, wrapping his arms around himself as more tears dribble down his cheeks. “H-How can we go to the Grand Line now?”

Usopp drops the first aid kit. It clatters to the deck, making Nami jump but not waking Zoro. Nobody moves to pick it up.

“What?” Usopp says, turning towards Luffy. His voice is too calm, and Nami grimaces. He steps closer to Luffy – and loses it. “You fucking idiot, Luffy!” He yells, making Luffy stumble backwards in shock. “Who cares about the Grand Line?! Zoro is…” His voice cracks, anger turning to sadness as his tears spill over. “Zoro is…”

“Hey, enough,” Sanji says. He stands between Usopp and Luffy, mindful of any fights breaking out.

As Sanji tries to calm down Usopp and deal with Luffy, who still looks like he’s about to throw up, Nami turns her attention back to the bunkroom. She approaches and opens the door, finding Zoro in exactly the same position as a couple of minutes ago.

Not wanting to deal with the others (that might make her a jerk, but she can’t bring herself to care), Nami shuts the door behind her and tiptoes over to Zoro. She takes her futon and drags it closer to Zoro, and sits down. She doesn’t touch him, simply sitting by his side in a manner similar to Luffy’s vigil-like behaviour. Nami stares at Zoro, watching his breathing and studying his injured, weak form and how he looks exhausted and terrified even in his sleep.

She has no idea how long she sits there, watching Zoro. But the guys don’t barge in, something she appreciates. So when Zoro finally starts to come around, she and him are alone in the room.

Zoro groans, blinking slowly. The pain hits him hard, making him grimace, and Nami wishes they had some decent painkillers on the ship. He must be in agony.

“N-Nami?” Zoro whispers, speech still difficult for him. he looks dazed, like he just awoke from a nightmare. Considering what he has been through, he probably did. “Wh-Wha…?”

“It’s okay,” she says, keeping her voice soft. “It’s just me. You passed out and you just came around. Do you want me to let the others in?”

“N-Not right… now.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

Zoro stares at her, eyelids drooping. “P-Please…”

“Okay. Do you want a drink?”

As Nami helps Zoro prop himself up to take a few sips of water, taking most of his weight as Zoro struggles to stay upright, Zoro slumps against her. Water dribbles down his chin, and even the act of swallowing seems to hurt this throat.

Once he has had enough, she helps him lay on his back. Neither of them speak, but they don’t need to.

Moments like this don’t need words spoken to convey the bond they share.


	5. Chapter 5

When Nami finally emerges from the bunkroom, Usopp has managed to calm down. But the adrenaline rush from his anger has left him trembling and sweating, and he has to fight the urge to throw up. Luffy has fallen asleep in one of the chairs on deck, somehow sleepy despite his distress (actually, it might be because of his stress). And Sanji chain smokes, exhausted and irritable after having to deal with Usopp yelling at Luffy and having to calm them both down.

He jumps to his feet as the door opens, getting a good look at Nami. Exhausted as ever, she actually looks quite calm. Good; that means Zoro hasn’t gotten even worse in the hour or so since Nami shut them out of the room.

“Hey, Nami,” he says, waving awkwardly.

Nami gives a weak smile. “Hey.”

“How is he?” Sanji asks.

“He’s awake and pretty lucid, but he doesn’t want all of us crowding around him right now. So you lot can go and see him, but it has to be one at a time, okay?”

Despite his tremors and nausea, Usopp grins. “That’s great! Um… Nami, thanks for looking after Zoro whilst I was being a jerk.”

“It’s fine. Everyone gets angry,” she says, glancing at Sanji. “Anyway, it was Chain Smoker here who had to calm you down. Thank him instead.”

Sanji’s eyes widen at the nickname, and Nami lets out a sound that was probably supposed to be a giggle.

“Oh yeah,” Usopp says. “Thanks for all that, Sanji.”

“No problem,” Sanji says, but he blows smoke at Usopp’s face.

“Hey!”

Nami laughs again, and Usopp stares at her. He would put up with cigarette smoke in his eyes for the rest of his life if it would make her laugh. He misses hearing Nami laugh.

The round of bickering proves louder than expected, and Luffy stirs. He fell asleep with his head tilted at a weird angle, and grimaces as he opens his eyes, hand going up to his neck. As he rubs his neck, Luffy blinks blearily and looks at the three of them. “Hi, guys.”

Before anyone has a chance to beat him to it, Usopp hurries over to Luffy and bends into a deep bow. “Luffy, I just wanna say sorry again for yelling at you.”

“It’s okay, really,” Luffy mumbles, yawning.

“Are you sure?”

Luffy smirks. “Sure I am.”

And he tackles Usopp into a tight hug, sending Usopp stumbling backwards. He manages to regain his balance before they both go tumbling to the deck, but still staggers in his attempt to take Luffy’s full body weight all of a sudden.

Once Usopp manages to stop tripping, and therefore stopped yelling ‘crap’ in an increasingly frantic tone, he realises he can hear something else. It’s Luffy, laughing as he buries his face into Usopp’s chest. Luffy is laughing.

“L-Luffy?” he says, puzzled.

Luffy pulls his head back, but keeps his arms around Usopp, staring at him. they’re nose to nose, but Usopp knows this won’t end in a kiss; their relationship isn’t like that.

“Yeah?” Luffy says in the most nonchalant tone, not quite over his laughing fit.

“What the hell was that for?”

“Oh, uh…” Luffy goes red. “I was just trying to make it really obvious I’m not mad. Sorry. Was that weird?”

“Just a bit,” Usopp says, but he smiles. “Okay, now that’s over… tell him the good news, Nami.”

“Oh yeah,” Nami says, having been distracted by Luffy’s random actions.

Luffy lets go of Usopp and goes bounding over to Nami. “Good news?”

Nami smiles fondly. “Yeah. Zoro’s awake, and he wants to see us all one at a time.”

“E-Even me?” Luffy says, drooping slightly.

She nods, and Luffy’s eyes fill with tears.

“Luffy?” Usopp says.

“Even after I m-made him worse, he still wants to see me?” Luffy says, and he breaks down sobbing.

Nami pulls him into a hug and Usopp hurries over to rub his back, leaving Sanji stood there, wondering what is going on.

“I guess I’ll go first, then,” he says, shrugging.

\---

In the hours and hours Zoro has been back with them, Sanji hasn’t seen Zoro eat a thing. It’s been hard enough to get Zoro to drink, the poor bastard only managing a few sips of water before he chokes and pushes the cup away; the more it happens, Sanji begins to wonder if Zoro might have been tortured with water… but he always puts the idea out of his head, not wanting to think about it.

So now Zoro is awake and up for visits, Sanji decides that now would be the perfect time to get Zoro to eat something. He doesn’t expect Zoro to eat a lot (judging by the obvious weight loss, Zoro didn’t eat much during the seven days he was kidnapped, so his stomach has probably shrunk; add in the nausea that comes with anxiety, it makes perfect sense why Zoro is reluctant to eat), but he needs to at least try.

Leaving the sobbing Luffy in the care of Usopp and Nami, Sanji goes into the kitchen to prepare some food for Zoro. He wants to keep it simple and easy to eat, so he takes out the leftover soup from the other night and reheats it, certain Zoro will be able to manage this. Putting a couple of pieces of bread on the tray beside the soup, Sanji smiles. Yeah, this seems a perfectly adequate meal for someone who is struggling to eat.

Sanji picks up the tray and approaches the bunkroom. Thankfully, the door is still open, so he doesn’t have to try and knock with both hands full, but Sanji still grins and makes a point of saying, “Knock knock.”

Zoro lies on his back on the futon, staring up at the ceiling with half-closed eyes. When he spots Sanji, he raises his head as far as he can, grimacing. “H-Hi.”

“I’ve got you some food,” Sanji says, carefully kneeling beside Zoro and putting the tray on the floor.

“I, I’m not…” Zoro starts to speak but ends up trailing off, struggling to form his words.

“I know you’re not really up for eating,” Sanji says, certain that was what Zoro was going to say, “but you must be really, really hungry. Just try a bit for me. It’s Sanji’s Homemade Soup, you know.”

Zoro looks at him, lips forming into a ghost of a sarcastic grin. “No way th-then.”

That makes Sanji chuckle, glad Zoro can even manage to bicker with him in this state. “Sorry, no arguing. Come on, you must be starving.”

“I… can’t… very much…”

“That’s okay,” Sanji says. “Just have as much as you can. Do you need help sitting up?”

Humiliation crosses Zoro’s face, but he mumbles, “Uh-huh.”

“Okay. Sorry if this hurts.”

With a lot of difficulty, Sanji manages to grasp Zoro under his armpits and help him into a sitting position, Zoro grunting in discomfort and pain the whole time. Zoro can’t stay sat up under his own power, so Sanji puts his arm across Zoro’s back, helping prop him up. It must hurt his sore back, but Zoro doesn’t complain.

“Sorry, man, but I’m gonna have to feed you,” Sanji says, and Zoro’s cheeks go red. This must be so humiliating for poor Zoro, but what else can they do?

Zoro sighs. “Okay.”

And that’s how Sanji ends up doing one of the weirdest things he has ever done in his life: spoon feeding Roronoa Zoro. With awkward movements of his arm, Sanji scoops small amounts of soup onto the spoon and brings it up to Zoro’s cracked lips, waiting for Zoro to part them. Then he eases the spoon into Zoro’s mouth and Zoro swallows it, before the whole cycle begins again.

But despite how hungry he must be, Zoro only manages about ten spoonfuls before he groans in discomfort, screwing his eyes up.

“You okay?”

“Feel sick,” Zoro mumbles, swallowing hard. “I can’t…”

“That’s okay. You had as much as you could. Well done.”

The moment the words come out of his mouth, Sanji realises how patronising that sounded. But Zoro either doesn’t notice or is too tired to care, so he gets away with it.

Sanji helps Zoro lie back down, watching Zoro closely to make sure he doesn’t throw up. But despite his obvious nausea, Zoro manages to keep his food down, and his nausea starts to fade.

“Th-Thanks,” Zoro says.

“No problem.”

\---

“I’m sorry we don’t have anything stronger,” Nami says, giving the bottle of pills a slight shake so it rattles. “But this is the best we’ve got.”

She sits beside Zoro and pops the cap on the bottle. He stares at her, not recognising the bottle.

“Oh, sorry. They’re painkillers. I didn’t show you the bottle last time, did I? Anyway, I think you need to take some more.”

“Me t-too,” Zoro mumbles, trying to smirk but grimacing instead.

Nami helps Zoro raise his head far up off the pillow so he won’t choke, and, with his permission, pops the first pill onto his tongue. She holds the cup of water to his lips and Zoro swallows, taking the tablet with the sip of water. They repeat it with the other pill, and Nami helps him onto his back again.

“Thanks…”

“It’s okay.”

Zoro glances at Nami’s face, before screwing his eyes up. His cheeks go red, something she hasn’t seen in a while, and Nami realises it’s a blush of embarrassment when he grimaces for a reason other than pain.

“Zoro?”

“I, uh… c-can you help?” Zoro says, humiliation making his voice shake worse than ever.

“Zoro, what’re you trying to say? Help you with what?”

Zoro’s face burn, and he lets out a shuddering sigh. In the end, he whispers a single word. “P-Piss.”

Oh. Now she understands.

Zoro might not have drunk very much, but he hasn’t urinated since they got him back. That’s a long time to wait between bathroom breaks.

But Zoro can’t even sit up on his own, let alone stand. He’s going to need help to do it… yeah, she can see why he’s so embarrassed.

“Zoro, it’s okay,” Nami says. “You need a piss, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay.” Nami thinks hard, trying to work out the best way to do this. When guys need to piss but can’t access a bathroom, they often resort to going in a bottle or cup, right? Would that work? “I could… get a cup and hold it for you—” When Zoro flinches, she realises that didn’t sound right. “No, that came out wrong! I mean I’ll hold the cup, and you can hold… shit…” Her face goes bright red. Shit, this is awkward.

Zoro manages a weak chuckle. “I g-get it.”

“Okay, I’ll sort that out.” Nami considers going to the kitchen, before remembering she has a cup right here. As Zoro won’t drink anymore water for a while, she guzzles the rest of it and holds out the cup. “Here, you can use this. Don’t worry; I won’t tell the others.”

“S-Sorry ‘bout this…”

“No, it’s okay. Do you want to do this?”

When Zoro murmurs his reluctant approval, they begin their incredibly awkward plan. Zoro shifts until he lies on his side, the movement making him groan in pain, and fumbles for the waistband of his underpants. Nami moves closer, watching Zoro slip his penis out of his underpants, both of them red with embarrassment. She holds the cup out for him, letting him slip his penis into it at an angle that hopefully won’t result with urine all over the futon.

And, to give Zoro some dignity, Nami closes her eyes. But, obviously, she still hears it when Zoro relaxes his muscles and empties his bladder, and she wonders if it could be possible to make this situation more embarrassing for them both – but especially Zoro.

When he has finished and make himself decent again, Nami takes the cup, holding it carefully so as not to spill it.

“I promise I’ll keep this between us. When you need to piss, just ask me and kick the others out, okay? And I know it’s embarrassing, but you can’t help it,” Nami says, trying to be reassuring but not sure if her words have any effect.

“Thanks…” Zoro mumbles. “S-Sorry.”

“You’ve got no reason to apologise, Zoro. Just… make sure not to leave it until the last minute next time, okay?”

\---

The welts on Zoro’s back take the most abuse of all his wounds, given that Zoro lies on his back most of the time. it puts pressure on the scabs (not to mention causing pain), but any other position would hurt even more. But it certainly explains why those wounds break open the most.

As one of the first aiders, Usopp can confirm that the welts on Zoro’s back need their dressings changed the most, only beaten by the really deep wound on his thigh. And in the relatively short time he has been doing this, Usopp has gotten very used to having to change those same dressings.

This time is no exception. Even though he just wants to sit and talk to Zoro after he was unconscious for so long, he knows he has to take care of Zoro too, just like Sanji and Nami when they brought Zoro food and painkillers respectively. Spending time with Zoro now is synonymous with caring for him, and Usopp will never not be upset by that.

Still, he has to be brave. As shitty as he feels, Zoro feels about a million times worse, both physically and mentally. So despite wanting to cry, Usopp smiles as he enters the bunkroom, first aid kit in his hands. And despite not looking yet, he knows exactly what wounds will need changing.

“Hey, Zoro,” he says, kneeling beside Zoro and putting down the first aid kit.

“H-Hi,” Zoro mumbles, still struggling to get his words out.

“Uh… any of your dressings feel wet?”

“B-Back,” Zoro says, and, Usopp nods.

“I thought so. Can I roll you over?”

When Zoro nods, Usopp helps roll Zoro onto his side, making sure not to trap his broken arm beneath him. making sure to narrate everything he does (he doesn’t want to touch Zoro and accidentally make him jump), Usopp studies two of the dressings taped to Zoro’s back, finding them speckled with spots of blood.

“Okay, here we go. Sorry if it hurts.”

With slightly shaking hands, Usopp cleans his hands and peels the dressings off, making Zoro wince. He apologises, studying the welts that slowly leak blood. As Usopp blots the blood with gauze, listening to Zoro’s winces and groans of pain, he tenses up, his eyes starting to sting.

Zoro is in so much pain. Zoro is so horribly injured.

Zoro will never be the same again.

The tears spill over, dribbling down his cheeks. Usopp tries to keep his breathing steady, but Zoro notices.

“Crying?” he says, voice cracking.

Usopp sniffs, no point in hiding it now. His hands fumble as he presses a clean dressing over each other wounds, taping them in place. “Uh… yeah. Okay, all done.”

Carefully, he rolls Zoro onto his back, and Zoro stares at him. Zoro’s forehead creases (as much as physically possible with a large dressing taped to it) as he studies Usopp, eyes tracking the tears that leak down his cheeks.

Usopp scrubs at his face, but more tears fall.

“Is it… my f-fault?” Zoro whispers, and Usopp lets out a spluttering sob.

But he sniffs and swallows hard, forcing a smile onto his face. “Course not. Never think that.”

\---

Despite his impatient complaints about why he has to see Zoro last (they argued quite a bit this morning, eventually drawing lots to decide the order they would visit him), when Usopp leaves the bunkroom and Luffy realises it is his turn, sudden anxiety punches him in the guts.

He was the one who made Zoro worse earlier. What if he hurts Zoro again?

“It’ll be okay, Luffy,” Nami says like she can read minds, appearing beside him.

Luffy takes a deep breath, and nods. “Yeah, you’re right.”

And he heads into the bunkroom. He finds Zoro lying on his back, broken arm carefully propped against the futon to reduce as much pain as possible. His eyes and nose are still red from crying, but he gives Luffy a weak attempt at a smile.

“Hey, Zoro.”

“Hi.”

Luffy sits cross-legged beside Zoro, trying to stop himself shaking. “I, I’m really sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to make you worse, but… I did. I’m sorry.”

Zoro just stares at him, before mumbling, “S’okay. I… get it…”

Zoro really is struggling to speak. Is it because of an autistic burnout brought on by all this stress? Or is it something else? Either way, Zoro’s behaviour reminds Luffy all too well of himself after a meltdown.

“That’s good,” Luffy says, smiling awkwardly. “Zoro… is there anywhere I can t-touch you without hurting you?”

Slowly, Zoro lifts his good hand off of the futon and holds it out to Luffy, whispering, “Fingers.”

He may only say a single word, but Luffy understands. A real smile crossing his face, Luffy reaches out and carefully touches Zoro’s fingers. When he’s happy he really isn’t hurting Zoro, Luffy grasps Zoro’s hand, shifting his grip so they interlock their fingers. He squeezes gently.

And when Zoro squeezes back, Luffy finds a lump forming in his throat.

\---

When night falls, Luffy waits for the others to get into bed before getting up and moving towards the lamp. But as he moves to turn out the light, Zoro’s breathing hitches.

“No!” Zoro cries, voice louder than usual.

“Zoro, what’s the matter?” Luffy says, turning around.

“I, uh… please… leave th-the light… on,” Zoro says. “The dark… I…”

“We understand,” Nami says. “Want us to leave the lamp on?”

“Please.”

And so Luffy doesn’t turn out the light, instead getting under the blankets beside Nami. He looks at Zoro, wondering what caused this sudden fear of the dark, and considers reaching between the two futons for Zoro’s hand, but stops himself. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about Zoro being hurt.

Everyone says goodnight, Luffy rolling over to spoon against Nami’s back. Usopp rolls closer to Nami, and the two of them hold their partner close. To the surprise of everyone in the room, Zoro falls asleep first, his breaths slower but still too fast, and light snores escaping his mouth.

It’s hard to sleep with a light on, but Luffy still hasn’t recovered from his sleep deprivation. So he buries his face in Nami’s back and relaxes, trying to empty his mind. And, despite his constant fear, Luffy manages to fall asleep quickly, drifting off as his body goes limp.

And even his dreams are pleasant, allowing him his first real sleep in what feels like forever.


	6. Chapter 6

He’s so hot, like someone trapped him inside and oven and is roasting him to death. His feet kick and thrash, but something restricts them. He gasps for breath, but can’t get enough air into his lungs. His face contorts into a grimace, heat and pain overwhelming him. But it isn’t enough to wake him up.

He knows he is asleep, but he can’t pull himself out of it. Why the fuck is the human body designed this way? The nightmare plays behind his closed eyelids, memories of pain and terror and confusion swirling through his mind until none of it makes sense. All he really knows is it horrible and why can’t this shit leave him alone and why the fuck won’t he wake up?

Zoro thrashes in his sleep, raising his arm up in the air and smacking it back onto the futon. And sickening pain jolts through him and he realises that was his broken arm and before he even knows it he’s waking up and the pain hits him like a punch and he lets out a pitiful groan of agony and the heat won’t go away and—

“Zoro?”

Someone says his name. But he can’t focus on that. Why won’t it stop? He doesn’t understand!

He’s terrified.

\---

Nami gets pulled from her somewhat restless sleep by a noise. She doesn’t process it, blinking blearily in the dim lamplight, wondering what woke her in the middle of the night. What is going—?

Another noise. Her ears prick up even in this drowsy state; in the last few days, Nami has come to know that noise very well. It’s Zoro making a whine of panic or distress in his sleep. Her stomach clenches, hating how she has nightmares.

Nami sits up, prising Usopp off of her, and looks over at Zoro. Just as she feared, he groans and writhes in his sleep, grimacing as his eyelids flicker wildly, deep in dream sleep. it must be a nightmare; he has lots of them, perhaps even more than she does.

The problem is: Nami still hasn’t worked out what to do about his nightmares. She knows that she prefers to be gently shaken until she awakes, whereas other people like to have their name spoken aloud. But others just want to ride it out, scared they might lash out if awoken. As much as she wants to go over there and sooth him until he awakes, she has no idea if it would be the correct thing to do. She doesn’t want to copy Luffy and accidentally make the situation worse whilst just trying to help.

But she doesn’t have to wait long; Zoro wakes himself up. As he kicks and thrashes his legs, getting them tangled in the thin sheet draped over him, Zoro raises his broken arm into the air. When he slams it against the futon, his eyes snap open and he lets out a shrieking groan of pure pain, gasping for breath.

“Zoro?” she says, getting to her feet. Nami ignores the others as they start to stir awake, dropping to her knees beside Zoro. “Zoro, it’s okay.”

But he isn’t listening. The panic has taken over, and Zoro struggles to breath, soon hyperventilating. He tries to haul himself upright, but fails halfway, hitting his back hard against the futon. He cries out, and Nami fears his welts have opened again.

Zoro’s inconsolable, panting for breath as he lies there, face flushed with effort and eyes wide with terror. The others have woken up and crowd around, thankfully keeping their distance so as not to freak Zoro out.

He starts to flap his hands, an action Nami sees Luffy do frequently but has never seen Zoro do, but stops the moment he tries to flex his broken wrist. She actually hears the crunch of fragmented bones grinding together, and Zoro shrieks, his eyes filling with tears.

Behind her, Usopp screws his eyes up, whilst Sanji tries his best to softly call soothing nothings in Zoro’s direction. Luffy cowers just behind her, agonised to watch Zoro whilst totally helpless to stop his pain.

“Zoro, Zoro, it’s Nami,” she says, keeping up her attempt to calm him with her words despite it clearly being futile. “Zoro, you’re on the Going Merry. You’re safe. Nobody is gonna hurt you. It’s okay.”

But she knows panic attacks better than anyone in this room. And the fucking annoying thing about them is how they kind of last as long as they want.

“Oh fuck, Zoro…” Luffy whispers, tears in his eyes. And, before she can stop him, Luffy lurches towards Zoro, kneeling beside Nami. Zoro flinches, and he gasps. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump. Shit, Zoro… it’s okay.”

Nami wants to scold him about sudden movements, but there’s no point. When Luffy is in a state like this, it’s almost impossible to get through to him.

“Fucking Luffy, don’t do that shit again,” Sanji mutters, obviously remembering Luffy’s incident with Zoro.

But Luffy doesn’t hear him. Like he genuinely means no harm (which of course he doesn’t; why would he want to hurt Zoro?), Luffy opens his arms and slowly moves towards Zoro. Nami freezes, wanting to grab him, but just stunned by his sheer idiocy; doesn’t he remember that getting into Zoro’s personal space at times like this is a really bad idea?

She knows Luffy only intends to hug Zoro, and he moves slowly, intending not to spook him. But even the slow movement terrifies Zoro, his eyes wide as he stares at Luffy looming over him. And, on pure reflex, Zoro lets out a yelping noise and his hand flies towards Luffy—

The smack resonates around the bunkroom, and Luffy topples backwards, banging his head against Sanji’s legs. Zoro just backhanded him, the backs of his knuckles on his good hand colliding hard with Luffy’s nose. Luffy gasps in shock, hands covering his nose.

“You idiot, Luffy!” Sanji hisses. “Usopp, help me get him outta here.”

Looking like he was the one just smacked across the face, Usopp scrabbles over to Luffy and grabs his arm. And he and Sanji haul Luffy to his feet and drag him out of the bunkroom, Luffy panicking and groaning in pain the whole time.

With them gone, Nami sits back down, hoping being alone might help calm Zoro sooner. Even with the door shut, she can hear Luffy, Usopp and Sanji making a lot of noise out on deck, Luffy freaking out and the other two trying to deal with him. But as much as Nami wants to be angry with Luffy… she can’t bring herself to be. She knows he just did something stupid (again), but he’s just so worried about Zoro.

It doesn’t matter. She can worry about Luffy later. Right now, she has to deal with Zoro.

He hasn’t calmed down at all, still lying there, hyperventilating and making noises of pain, confusion and fear. Without the distraction of the others babbling behind her, Nami focuses more on Zoro’s face, again noting how red his cheeks are. She knows people get red faces when they are worked up, but this seems different; for Zoro, only his cheeks are red, his chin, upper lip and what she can see of his forehead his normal skin tone. But why does he only have red cheeks?

Could he have a fever?

The moment that thought comes into her head, Nami’s stomach clenches. If that’s the case, all her worries about Zoro’s injuries will have been for nothing. And how will they look after him out in the middle of the ocean? It’ll be hours until they reach land. What if it’s too late? What if—

No, she is getting ahead of herself here. Nami forces herself to take a deep breath and resumes rambling soothing phrases at Zoro; she will cross that bridge when she comes to it.

Out on deck, Luffy shrieks. Zoro hit him hard enough to break his nose, but they can really do without that.

And what are they going to do when Zoro calms down and remembers hitting Luffy? Zoro was Luffy’s first crew mate, and nobody else on the ship can boast the bond the pair share. Zoro will take it so badly. It might even make him panic again…

Fuck! Why must everything be so difficult?

After several long, agonising minutes, Zoro starts calming down. Nami continues to sooth him as his breathing gradually returns to normal, his movements becoming less frantic. Eventually, he just lies on his back, taking in jagged breaths and weak with exhaustion. His eyes shine with tears, but she doesn’t mention it.

“Hey, Zoro,” she says, not sure what else to say. “Are you feeling any better?”

Zoro doesn’t speak, but mumbles an affirmative, “uh huh.” Of course, he undeniably feels like shit, but it must be a lot better now that is over.

Still not speaking, Zoro turns his head in her direction. He blinks, and the tears spill over, trickling across his face and onto the futon.

“Zoro, don’t cry,” she whispers.

Zoro’s lips twist into some sort of weak smile, and he lets out an even weaker chuckle.

“Thanks,” he whispers, voice slightly hoarse.

“Not a problem.”

Zoro swallows. “How’re… you so… good at th-this?” he asks.

It takes Nami a few seconds to process what he means. “Do you mean helping people through panic attacks?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, um…” Should she say it? Should she finally open up to her team about just how much Arlong fucked her up? After how much Zoro has shown them, she probably owes him something equally unpleasant in return. “Thing is… I’ve got PTSD.”

Zoro’s eyes widen slightly. “H-Huh?”

“It’s… I’ve had it for years. I… got it from my time with Arlong,” Nami says, and she opens up about the most horrific time of her life. Zoro knows the basics about her life with Arlong’s pirates, but not how it fucked her up, how her fears and habits and even dreams all revolve around the time she spent with those bastards. She tries to stay strong, but by the time her story is over, tears have begun to dribble down her cheeks.

Zoro stares at her, agony in his bloodshot eyes. “Nami, I…” He sniffs, and holds out his good hand (a hand with red marks on the knuckles from hitting Luffy). Cautiously, Nami takes it – only for a flinch to run through her body, making Zoro jump. “N-Nami?”

She tries to steady herself, wiping her eyes with her free hand. But she can’t get over what she just felt; Zoro’s hand was uncomfortably hot, something that becomes more apparent when she squeezes it. For someone who hasn’t moved much, his hands shouldn’t be this warm. Oh shit, is this really what she feared? But she realises Zoro wants to speak, so tries to put it off for a moment.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Oh, I’m fine. Sorry for making you jump.”

“It’s… okay. I, uh… ‘bout Ar-Arlong… you’re real brave.” He has to force himself to speak, stumbling over his words and using up a lot of his limited energy, but he doesn’t need to say anymore.

Nami sniffs, more tears welling up in her eyes. “Thank you.” She swallows hard, wiping her eyes. She doesn’t want to ruin their moment, but she has to check. “Um, Zoro… can I touch your cheek real quick?”

Zoro blinks, confused. “Uh… ‘okay.”

With caution, Nami reaches out and presses her fingers against his cheek. And they both flinch for totally different reasons, Zoro because of the contact, and Nami because—

His skin burns beneath her fingers, heat radiating off of him. This is, undeniably, a fever.

“Shit,” she mutters.

\---

The moment they drag the trembling Luffy out of the bunkroom, Sanji shuts the door. Luffy takes a few steps away from the door before collapsing to his knees, still covering his face with his hands. Sanji can’t stop replaying that smack over and over again in his mind, the sharp sound of flesh against flesh. Luffy scared Zoro so badly that Zoro hit him. Fuck, what a shitty situation.

“Luffy?” Usopp crouches beside Luffy, trying to read the situation. “Does it hurt?”

Luffy’s shoulders shake, a shuddering breath escaping him a second later. Luffy is crying, and despite how many times he has seen this since Zoro was taken, it’s still disturbing as hell to see the optimistic Luffy break down crying.

Sanji joins Luffy and Usopp on the deck, not sure what to do. If Luffy is about to have a meltdown, then touching him will probably make him worse. But what if this is just shock from the pain? Shit, he doesn’t fucking know! He pulls a cigarette out of the box and clamps it between his teeth.

“Luffy, can you move your hands?” Usopp asks.

Without speaking, Luffy drags his hands down his face, showing his nose. A thin trail of blood dribbles from his left nostril, snaking across his top lip and chin, whilst his nose shines red with inflammation.

“Shit, you’re bleeding!” Usopp cries, but Luffy still says nothing.

He sniffles, more tears running down his face. With his hands free, they go to the sides of his head, digging into his hair; his hat slips off and Usopp grabs it before it can fly away.

And then… Luffy breaks.

“I hurt him!” he shrieks, leaning forwards until his forehead rests against the deck, sore nose squashed. His fingers dig hard into his hair, hard enough to bruise his scalp. “I hurt Zoro! I can’t—”

Luffy continues to ramble to himself, but Sanji can’t understand him. He just sobs and mumbles gibberish, trembling violently as his blood nose leaves a red patch on the wooden floor. Sanji glances at Usopp, noting he looks as helpless as Sanji feels. Because that’s what they are: helpless. There is nothing they can do to help when Luffy is in this state.

Luffy raises his head slightly before slamming it against the deck. He lets out a cracking shriek, and Usopp turns away, face screwed up. For several long, painful minutes, Luffy just cries in a huddle on the deck, lost in pain and grief from scaring Zoro so badly.

When it finally ends, Luffy topples onto his side and curls up in a ball, knees hugged to his chest. Just as Sanji expected, a bloodstain patterns the deck, more blood smeared across Luffy’s lips and chin. His nose looks redder than ever, and he wonders if Luffy smacked his sore nose when he was trying to bang his head.

Luffy screws his eyes up, but turns his head like he is looking straight at Sanji. “I… I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“I know you are,” Sanji says, sighing. He actually lights his cigarette, crouching beside Luffy again. “Usopp, get the first aid kit.” He hears Usopp hurry away, but keeps his focu on Luffy. “I know you feel awful, Luffy. We can talk this out with Zoro when he’s up to it. But for now, can I take a look at your nose?”

“He hit me. Because I sc-scared him. I…”

“Luffy,” he says, tone sharp enough to make Luffy’s eyes snap open. “I know. We understand. But, please, try to calm down. For Zoro’s sake.”

Mentioning Zoro seems to do the trick, because Luffy stares at Sanji and sniffles. “O-Okay.”

Usopp returns, dropping to his knees beside Luffy and opening the first aid kit. “Feeling better?”

“A bit,” Luffy mumbles.

“Okay, so let Sanji give you a look over, and then I’ll stick some gauze up your nose to stop the blood getting everywhere,” Usopp says, taking the bottle of antiseptic gel out of the box.

He squirts some onto Sanji’s hands before doing his own, and Sanji rubs the strong-smelling gel into his palms.

“Sorry, but this might hurt,” Sanji says.

When Luffy is ready, he carefully pinches his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of Luffy’s nose, gripping loosely, and starts to run them down the length of Luffy’s nose. Luffy hisses in pain, but Sanji focuses on the skin beneath his fingers, feeling for broken bones. When he lets go, Luffy grabs his face, grimacing.

“Sorry. But it doesn’t seem broken to me,” he says.

“That’s… good,” Luffy mumbles.

“Okay, gauze time,” Usopp says. He takes a small piece of gauze, rolls it into a sausage and carefully eases it up Luffy’s left nostril. Luffy groans in discomfort, twitching his nose once it is all the way in, leaving a small amount sticking out. “There we go.”

“Thanks, guys.”

“No problem,” Usopp says.

“Hey, Luffy,” Sanji says. “It’s been enough time, I think. Wanna go apologise to Zoro?”

Luffy stares at him, a strange mix of excitement and fear in his eyes. But he nods and swallows hard, putting aside his nerves. “O-Okay.”

“It’ll be okay,” Usopp whispers, squeezing his hand.

\---

When she hears a knock on the door, Nami knows what is coming. She glances at Zoro before calling out, “Come in.”

Zoro tightens his grip on her hand, but doesn’t panic when Luffy, Sanji and Usopp enter the room. Luffy’s nose has swollen significantly, a piece of gauze sticking out of his nostril. His eyes are red from crying, and Usopp looks pretty awful too.

“Go on,” Sanji says, giving Luffy a gentle nudge.

Luffy gulps hard, taking a few steps towards Zoro. When Zoro doesn’t scream in fear or whatever Luffy must have been expecting, Luffy kneels beside Nami, hands clasped in his lap. His cheeks go red, but for a reason unlike Zoro’s. She needs to tell them about the fever, but she also needs to let Luffy do this first.

“Um… Zoro… I’m so sorry,” he says, voice shaking. “I really scared you and I’m so sorry.”

Zoro stares at Luffy, blinking slowly. Since the panic attack has ended, nobody has brought up how Zoro hit Luffy, and she wonders if he might not remember something that happened during a panic attack. But when he sighs shakily, swallowing, she knows he remembers.

“I’m sorry,” Zoro says, voice as stilted as usual.

“Why’re you apologising?” Luffy says.

“I… hit you.”

“Yeah, cos I scared you.”

“Luffy… I’m so sorry.”

Obviously realising he won’t win this apology war, Luffy clears his throat. “I’m sorry too.”

Zoro manages a weak smile, and Luffy giggles weakly. Whenever these two have issues, they always make up so easily. Seriously, she’s kind of jealous of their bond.

But now that is over… she has to say it.

“Guys,” Nami says, and Luffy’s awkward smile vanishes.

“What?”

“Zoro has a fever.”

For a second, Luffy, Sanji and Usopp just stare at her. And then they all swear, Usopp looking like he’s going to throw up, and Luffy’s eyes tearing up.

“Fuck,” Sanji says again, biting through his cigarette.

“Wh-What should we do?” Luffy asks.

“I’ll get the first aid kit!” Usopp babbles, and he hurtles out of the room.

Nami looks down at her and Zoro’s still connected hands, and squeezes. He squeezes back, but it’s so weak, nothing like the way they used to hold hands before…

Usopp returns in twenty seconds, holding the first aid kit. “Okay, let’s, let’s work out what’s infected.”

“Calm down, Usopp,” she says, putting a hand on his shoulder. “We need to stay calm.”

Usopp gulps, but nods. “Y-Yeah, you’re right.”

“Zoro, do any of your wounds feel hot or more painful than usual?” Nami asks whilst Usopp slathers his hands in antiseptic. She reluctantly lets go of Zoro and does the same.

“M-My back’s wet,” Zoro says.

“Oh, the welts bled through,” Usopp says.

“Anything else?” she asks.

“Can’t feel it… very well, but… thigh… it’s th-throbbing.” Zoro can’t articulate very well, but Nami gets the point.

“The wound on your thigh is throbbing…” She wants to punch herself; that awful wound has looked swollen for days, but she tried so hard to keep it from getting infected. But she must have failed. “Shit. Okay… Luffy, can you help Usopp prop Zoro up so he can change the dressings on his back? Sanji, please help me with his thigh.”

All three of them nod, and they snap into action. Luffy props Zoro into what could almost be considered a sitting position, an arm slung across Zoro’s waist and Zoro’s body resting against him, head on his shoulder. Zoro grunts in pain, and Luffy whispers apologies. As Luffy keeps Zoro in this position, Usopp starts the process of changing bloody dressings.

Nami and Sanji stay at Zoro’s legs, Sanji disinfecting his hands as Nami steadies himself. She gets Sanji to bend Zoro’s leg at the knee and hold it that way, allowing her to undo the safety pin on his bandages and start unravelling them. Zoro winces, and she hopes it’s from Usopp, not her. Once the bandages are off, Nami realises how the majority of the covered area has gone red and puffy, a vein even standing out against his skin.

“Shit,” she mutters.

The dressing is stained brown, and she hopes it’s just from blood. With reluctance, Nami unpeels the dressing from Zoro’s leg and removes it, revealing the wound.

“Fucking shit,” Sanji says.

Just as she feared, it’s infected. The scab strains, yellowish-white patches of pus visible beneath it, and it weeps at the edges, a cloudy fluid leaking across red skin. It looks horrifically painful, and, judging by the swollen vein, has already started to spread. Shit shit shit.

She swallows, wanting to be sick. “Sanji… we’re gonna have to drain the wound.”

“Drain?” Usopp says, and he and Luffy look over. Luffy’s eyes widen and Usopp gasps. “Oh shit. Is it infected?”

“Badly,” Nami says. “Are you two done?”

“Almost.”

“That’ll… hurt, right?” Zoro says, fear audible in his voice.

She wants to lie, but there’s no point. “Yeah. A lot.”

Nami had an infected wound once, a scrape from playing that got painful and pus-y. She had to go to see a doctor, and he used a needle to lift the edge of the scab up, letting a disgusting amount of pus ooze out. It hurt like hell and she cried, but the release of all that pressure did feel good once the pain went away.

So at least she knows what to do. She instructs Sanji to take a needle from the sewing kit (kept because Luffy is incapable of not tearing his hat or clothes at least once a weak) and sterilise it with boiling water. He does what she says, hurrying into the kitchen. Soon, Usopp and Luffy finish the dressings on Zoro’s back and help him lie down, Luffy visibly trembling.

“Uh… what’re you gonna do?” Luffy asks.

“I need to put the needle under the edge of the scab and lift it. I had it done once, and it really hurt.” And her scrape was nothing like the horrific stab wound on Zoro’s leg.

“C-Can you… hold me down?” Zoro whispers.

“Sure thing,” Nami says. “Just like before – no wrists, ankles or neck?”

“Uh huh.”

When Sanji returns, holding the needle with a pair of metal tongs, Nami takes it and thanks him. the needle is still hot, but not enough to burn. She takes care not to touch the pointy end, and instructs the others to do what Zoro asked; Luffy and Sanji each take an ankle, certain Zoro will thrash his legs the most this time, whilst Usopp holds his head down.

“Ready?”

“Y-Yeah,” Zoro says, gritting his jaw.

And… she begins. Nami presses the end of the needle against the edge of the scab, and Zoro hisses. With awkward but careful movements, she manages to ease the needle under the slightly loose scab edge, and pushes it in further. A small amount of that cloudy fluid dribbles out around the needle, and Zoro hisses again. Sanji pushes down harder on Zoro’s shin, not wanting to get kicked across the face.

“Okay, three… two… one… now,” Nami says, and she begins to ease the needle upwards, bringing the scab with it.

The scab lifts, tearing away from the skin at the edges, and Zoro lets out a groan of agony, starting to shake violently. Nami lifts it higher, Zoro whining and groaning the entire time, and then the pus starts flowing. It leaks out of the wound at a startling pace, oozing across Zoro’s thigh. Nami keeps lifting the scab, needing to take it off, but finds herself horrified by the amount of pus. She grabs a tissue from the kit and mops it up before it can run onto the futon, but more just comes out. Finally, she gets the entire scab off, and the pus just keeps coming as Zoro groans and writhes in agony.

The guys look pretty nauseated, and Nami doesn’t blame them. The pus is thick and yellow, and the thought of all this crap being inside Zoro’s wound is pretty disgusting.

“Zoro, I need to squeeze the wound to get more out. Is that okay?”

“Uh huh,” Zoro grunts, teeth gritted so tightly a muscle has began to spasm in his jaw.

Still, he flinches violently when does touch it, pressing her fingers against both sides of the open wound. Nami pushes them together and more pus oozes out, soaking into the tissue, and Zoro cries out. Luffy, Usopp and Sanji talk to Zoro, trying to calm him down, but their words don’t help.

It takes over a minute of applying pressure before pus comes out mixed with blood, followed by just pure blood. She mops up with pus from around the edge of the wound, and covers it with gauze to stem the flow of blood, pushing down hard.

Cautiously, the others let go of Zoro, and Sanji takes the soiled tissue and puts it inside one of the plastic bags stored in the first aid kit (bright yellow). The gauze soaks through immediately and Nami puts it into the bag, cleaning her hands again to try and prevent the wound getting contaminated.

“Shit, that was horrible,” Luffy says, gingerly touching his nose. “Do you feel any better now, Zoro?”

“It… hurts, but… the pressure’s g-gone,” Zoro says, voice hitching slightly.

“That’s good,” Nami says.

“Should we… disinfect it now?” Usopp asks, despite being reluctant.

“Good idea. But it’ll sting really badly. Is that okay, Zoro?”

“Uh huh… d-do it,” he says, clearly just wanting to get this over with.

“I’ll do it,” Usopp says. He and Nami swap places, him kneeling by Zoro’s leg as Nami carefully grasps Zoro’s head. Usopp disinfects his hands and takes out a tube of antiseptic cream (the same one they used when they first patched Zoro up) and a cotton bud (usually used by anyone who wants to get water out of their ears). He squeezes cream onto the swab and peels back the bloody gauze covering the wound. The bleeding has started to slow, but blood still oozes out of the deep wound. “Okay, get ready.”

Nami pins Zoro’s head to the futon, and Usopp pushes the swab into the wound. Sure enough, it stings like hell and Zoro shrieks, straining against his restraints. The swab goes in so deep, and Nami remembers how deep the stab wound is; Usopp grimaces, tears in his eyes.

Finally, Zoro lets out an agonised scream and goes limp, his eyes closed.

“He fainted,” Luffy says, tears in his eyes too.

Usopp keeps swabbing until he has covered most of the wound in cream, and pulls it out; the cotton bud is bright red with blood. Quickly, Nami and Usopp apply a dressing and wrap a bandage around Zoro’s leg, tying it tight enough to apply needed pressure, not too tight.

Nami wants to collapse, exhausted, but they’re not finished yet. “We need to get his fever down. Sanji, can you get me a wet cloth? And Luffy, take his blanket off, okay?”

Nami sits back on her haunches, watching them do what she asked. Sanji rushes off, whilst Luffy pulls the sheet off Zoro, his hands shaking. Nami puts her arm around him, pulling him into a sideways hug.

“I know how hard that was, but thanks for your help,” Nami says.

Luffy smiles weakly. “No problem.”

When Sanji returns, Nami gets the guys to roll Zoro into the recovery position. Once he is on his side with his head titled so he doesn’t choke, she tucks the wet cloth under his armpit, but Zoro doesn’t even flinch.

“That should be enough,” she says. Nami stares at Zoro, trying to catch her breath. A lump forms in her throat, hurting when she swallows. And despite her attempts to hold it all in, her emotions get the better of her – and she starts crying.

Soon, Luffy and Usopp have her in a tight hug, and Nami just sits there and sobs, still not used to showing her emotions in front of others like this. But nobody mocks her, and she finds herself smiling weakly through the tears.

\---

Once Nami manages to stop crying, they sit in silence, waiting for Zoro to come around. Usopp trembles, still feeling quite sick and unable to get the memory of all that pus out of his mind. He holds Nami’s hand, able to feel her shaking too.

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long for Zoro to wake up, stirring slowly as a grimace of pain creases his face.

“Zoro!” Luffy says, but he doesn’t dart forwards and try to hug Zoro. “We’re sorry we made you faint, Zoro.”

“It’s… okay,” Zoro says as Usopp and Sanji help him roll onto his back.

Luffy smiles and holds out his hand. Zoro takes it, squeezing gently. And Zoro smiles back, giving them the weakest, most pitiful smile Usopp has ever seen. It takes a lot of effort to smile back rather than burst out sobbing.


	7. Chapter 7

Even though they only went through it a few hours ago, the entire incident with Zoro and his infected wound seems like a distant memory. At least, that’s how Nami feels when she first wakes up, but the ridiculous thoughts quickly subside. The first awake, Nami sits up slowly, rubbing her eyes with one hand as the other moves Luffy’s arm, slung across her abdomen, so she can actually move. Somehow, the action doesn’t wake him, and she sighs.

Wriggling out of her blankets, Nami leaves Usopp and Luffy asleep and crawls across the bunkroom to Zoro’s side. He’s fast asleep, the damp cloth they tucked under his arm in the night still there but now dry, and Nami lets out a slow breath when she studies his face. A faint flush still patterns his face, but it’s nothing like it was in the night. His fever hasn’t gone (to be honest, it would be a miracle for a fever to vanish in only a few hours; he’ll surely have the remnants of his fever until the infection is completely gone), but he no longer appears to be in any kind of danger from it. Thank goodness.

A groan emanates from somewhere behind her, and Nami turns her head. Up in his hammock, Sanji starts to stir, blinking and muffling a yawn with the back of his hand. He raises his head up from his pillow and looks down at her; a smile crosses his face when he spots Nami.

“Morning, my darling Nami,” he says, still half asleep.

Nami can’t bring herself to roll her eyes at how he still speaks to her so formally even when groggy, and smiles at him. “Morning.”

Sanji sits up, running his fingers through his hair. “How is he?”

“Much better.”

“That’s good. Your plan was some seriously quick thinking. I think you saved his life.”

Nami stiffens, staring up at Sanji before glancing down at Zoro. Memories of all that thick, disgusting pus oozing out of the wound flash through her mind, and she grits her teeth. She doesn’t want to seem big-headed or anything, but… Sanji is right. If they hadn’t drained his wound, he might… Zoro might not make it to even see a doctor on land.

“Th-Thanks, Sanji,” she says.

Sanji grins at her and rolls out of his hammock, landing gracefully on the bunkroom floor. He kneels down and crawls over to Nami, and joins her in staring at their sleeping teammate. They sit in silence, just watching Zoro breathe.

Eventually, Sanji stands up. “I’ll go make us some coffee.”

And as Sanji leaves the room, his bare feet against the bunkroom floor are what wake Zoro. His eyelids flicker and half open, and bleary eyes scan his surroundings. He barely moves, but his chest heaves and his jaw tightens, and Nami knows all his anxiety has punched him only seconds after waking up. She hates it when anxiety does that.

“Hey, Zoro,” Nami says, voice soft.

Zoro’s eyes flicker in her direction, and he opens his mouth to speak. But all that comes out is a hoarse gurgle, and Zoro swallows hard before finally managing to gasp out, “H-Hi.”

“Are you thirsty?”

“Yeah.”

“When Sanji comes back, I’ll ask him to get you some water.”

His lips twitch into some weak form of a smile. “Thanks…”

“I don’t wanna ruin your day when you’ve only just woken up, but…” Nami sighs. “Can I check your wound? I need to see if the swelling has gone down.”

“Oh…” Zoro mumbles, obviously getting hit with memories of the excruciating pain of Nami draining his wound and Usopp cleaning it. “S-Sure…”

Nodding her thanks, Nami reaches for the first aid kit (carelessly left where it could be tripped over) and cleans her hands. She moves to sit by Zoro’s leg and helps him bend his knee, resting his foot flat against the futon to keep his thigh raised up in the air. The movements make Zoro wince, and each pitiful sound stabs her through the heart.

Carefully, she unwraps the bandages, exposing the dressing taped to Zoro’s leg. Unlike the last time she checked, the skin around the dressing is no longer bright red and burning hot, and she lets out a sigh of relief; the infection has stopped trying to spread. The dressing is still stained brown, but that’s to be expected with such a deep wound. Nami peels back the tape and removes the soiled dressing, staring at the wound. Of course, it still looks horrific, jagged and deep and swollen and weeks away from even staring to heal. But a new scab is starting to form, and the discharge that weeps from the edges no longer has the thick consistency of pus. The infection is still there, but now it’s manageable. Her plan really was a good idea.

When Sanji returns with their coffee, he helps Nami apply a new dressing and re-bandage Zoro’s leg, before running off to get Zoro his water. And Sanji helps Zoro choke down a few mouthfuls of water as Nami sips her coffee, so glad things are going okay again.

\---

Usopp is the last to wake up, something he realises when he finds Luffy beside him on the futon, propped up on one elbow and staring at him with an infuriating grin on his face.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Luffy says.

Usopp yawns, hauling himself into a sitting position as he rubs his eyes. The strong scent of antiseptic hand gel clings to his hands, and the memories of draining and cleaning Zoro’s horrifically swollen wound come flooding back. Nausea rolls in his empty stomach, and Usopp’s gaze crosses the bunkroom, searching for Zoro.

“He’s okay,” Luffy says, also sitting up properly. He gestures towards Zoro, who currently sits up in bed with Nami’s help, whilst Sanji spoon-feeds him some soup. “Nami said the swelling’s gone down.”

“Thank goodness,” Usopp says, letting out a long breath.

He gets to his feet and wanders out of the room to wash up for the morning, returning a few minutes later and feeling a lot better with an empty bladder and a clean face. Zoro has finished his soup (well, the bowl is half full, but he must have reached his limit), but still sits slumped against Nami, eyes closed.

“How’re you today, Zoro?” he asks.

“Okay,” Zoro mumbles without opening his eyes.

“That’s good.”

Zoro bites his bottom lip, clearly thinking about something, before opening his eyes. “Um… was thinking… I feel quite a bit better… and m’sick of j-just lying here… could I try… getting up?”

“Are you sure about that, Zoro?” Nami asks.

“Uh huh.”

“What, do you want sit on a chair out on deck with the rest of us?” Luffy asks. When Zoro gives an affirmative murmur, Luffy grins. “Awesome!”

Usopp smiles when Luffy slings an arm around his shoulder, his grin totally adorable. Luffy’s reaction might seem ridiculously over-the-top, but… with someone as seriously injured as Zoro, every tiny step in the right direction is a massive success. So for Zoro to even feel well enough to sit upright, Usopp doesn’t blame Luffy for the dorky grin.

Nami glances at Sanji, and he nods. “So…” he says. “Do you wanna do this now, Zoro?”

“Yeah, i-if that’s okay,” Zoro says.

“No, it’s fine. We just don’t want to… hurt you in the process,” Sanji says, a flash of anxiety crossing his face.

Zoro stares up at Sanji, managing a weak smile. “Th-Thanks, guys…”

Sanji grins, shoving an unlit cigarette into his mouth. “No problem.”

“Okay, let’s do this,” Nami says. “Usopp, can you help Sanji support Zoro? And Luffy, grab some pillows and a futon, and follow me.”

“Sure thing!” Luffy says, crouching down and bundling up the bedding strewn across the floor.

“O-Oh, sure,” Usopp says, sudden fear gripping at his guts. What if he jars Zoro’s broken arm? What if standing up makes Zoro faint? What if he and Sanji drop him…?

“Usopp, I know what you’re thinking about,” Sanji says. He takes out his lighter and flicks it on, but doesn’t light his cigarette.

“Huh?”

“Zoro will be fine. So calm down, okay?” Finally lighting his cigarette, Sanji shoves his lighter back into his pocket and gestures for Usopp to come over.

Vaguely aware of Luffy and Nami leaving the bunkroom with loads of stuff in their arms, Usopp crouches beside Zoro, on the opposite side to Sanji. Memories of carrying Zoro through that base come back, and Usopp bites his lip. No, this won’t be like that; Zoro isn’t half dead this time, and they’re not going to carry him. _It won’t be like that, so stop thinking about it,_ he tells himself.

“Okay, Zoro, we’re gonna help you to your feet and you can put as much weight on us as you need,” Sanji says, exhaling smoke through his nose. When Zoro squints, Sanji realises he blew smoke in Zoro’s eyes and apologizes. “Sorry.”

“But if you feel faint… please tell us,” Usopp adds. “You need to go slow. Please don’t push yourself.”

Zoro looks at him, not making eye contact but studying Usopp’s face, and mumbles, “Okay…”

Sanji slips his arm across Zoro’s shoulders and helps him sit up, and he takes the chance to loop his arm under Zoro’s armpit instead; the action puts pressure on Zoro’s injured back, but Zoro doesn’t complain. “Usopp, you copy me. And then we’ll start standing up on the count of three. Okay?”

“Uh huh,” Zoro murmurs, and Usopp nods.

He copies Sanji, both of them very mindful not to touch Zoro’s broken arm, and they manage to get a very secure grip on Zoro, his right arm slung across Usopp’s shoulders and his left held against his chest by his splint. Zoro grits his jaw, anticipating difficulty, and Usopp doesn’t blame him. After being forced to stand for an entire week, Zoro’s muscles must be incredibly weak; add the fact he’s been lying down non-stop since they rescued him… the chance of his legs giving out underneath him is very high. But Zoro wants to try, so… they have to give it a go.

“Okay,” Sanji says. “Three… two… one!”

And in a move that reminds him far too much of the secret base, they both brace themselves as they start to stand up, hauling Zoro with them. He’s not nearly as limp as he was before, but he’s still very heavy and weak, and Usopp grits his jaw, grunting as he tries to support Zoro’s weight.

They haul Zoro upright, their teammate gasping in pain as he moves his badly injured leg, but Zoro manages to get his feet flat against the floor and take a tiny bit of his body weight. But even that much makes his leg muscles spasm, his legs shaking violently even with Usopp and Sanji taking his weight.

They stand there for several long, painful seconds as Zoro takes deep, shaky breaths, and, thankfully, he doesn’t faint. But he’s still incredibly frail, and Usopp knows Zoro would barely be able to stand unaided at this point, let alone walk.

“You okay?” Sanji asks.

“I… I’m okay,” Zoro gasps. “C-Can we try… walking?”

“Sure thing,” Usopp says, and he takes a tiny step forwards.

He and Sanji step slowly, staring down at the ground to make sure Zoro can move his feet before taking the next step. His feet drag into their new positions, and Usopp hopes he doesn’t get splinters from the floorboards. Zoro’s breaths come out as grunts, his jaw gritted and pain written across his face, using so much of his limited energy in an action Usopp takes for granted.

After what feels like hours, they reach the door to the bunkroom. They have to go through the door sideways, and Zoro’s feet drag worse than before as they sidestep through the narrow doorway. Once they get out on deck, Usopp spots Nami and Luffy. The pair have taken one of the largest chairs and covered the entire thing with the futon, as well as scattered it with pillows. Have they been trying to make a seat for Zoro that won’t put added pressure on his injuries?

“Hey, you’re doing great, Zoro!” Luffy calls, grinning.

Eventually, they reach the chair set out by Luffy and Nami, and help Zoro sit down. He lets out a long, shaky sigh as he sinks into the chair, leaning back against the padding from the futon.

“Fuck…” he mutters.

“That went better than I thought,” Sanji says. “You’re really fucking strong, you know.”

Zoro glances at Sanji, and grimaces. Was that meant to be a smile? Sanji must interpret it that way, because he chuckles slightly.

“Is it comfy enough?” Luffy asks. “Nami told me to bring as much stuff as I could. It’s really padded. Are you feeling okay? Is it—?”

Luffy shuts up when Zoro raises his non-broken hand slightly in a gesture universally known as ‘stop talking now’. Zoro swallows, letting his hand flop onto the armrest again. “I… it’s all fine, L-Luffy,” he says, his grimace more reminiscent of a smile but still not right. “Thanks…”

“Oh… that’s good,” Luffy says, going red. “Y-You’re welcome.”

Usopp smiles and puts his arm around Luffy. “You look so funny when you blush.”

Luffy gasps, but his expression can’t hide a smile. “Usopp, you jerk!”

Staring at them both, Zoro manages a hoarse chuckle. He might not be up for bickering with Sanji right now, but he can still watch other people bicker. Luffy lets out a weak giggle, letting his head flop sideways, resting his forehead against Usopp’s chin.

“Really, though, I’m glad you’re comfortable,” he says. “It’s so good to see you up and about. Just… don’t overdo it, okay?”

Zoro moistens his cracked lips, twitching his head forwards into the smallest nod Usopp has ever seen. But they all understand, and Usopp smiles when the nod doesn’t immediately make Zoro grimace. His dizziness must be getting better.

“Right,” Sanji says, tucking his box of cigarettes back into his pocket. “Does anyone want something to eat?”

“Ooh, yes please!” Luffy says, and he bounds after Sanji into the kitchen, dragging Usopp with him.

“Luffy!” Usopp cries, staggering to stay on feet. Luffy just laughs.

They spend a couple of minutes in the kitchen, observing Sanji cooking, before Sanji gets sick of Luffy getting in his way and kicks them out. Back out on deck, with the kitchen door shut behind them, Luffy stops giggling like a dork. Confused, Usopp follows Luffy’s line of sight, and finds Nami stood beside Zoro, her finger against her lips. And Zoro…

Zoro has fallen asleep, slumping slightly in his seat with his head tilted backwards. Soft snores come out of his mouth with every exhale of breath, and the tense expression he always has when sleeping isn’t quite as bad.

“Aww,” Luffy says.

Nami smiles. “For him to fall asleep so quickly… it really shows he trusts us.”

“He trusts us,” Usopp repeats, and his eyes sting with tears.

\---

After a several hours of sitting out on deck, nodding in and out of sleep, Zoro has no idea what time it is. Only a couple of his dreams were nightmares, but he still woke up during the nicer dreams thanks to constant pains and muscle cramps—not to mention the shivers that occasionally run through him, his fever still there but very much hovering in the background. But whenever he awoke, he quickly realised his surroundings and fell back asleep again.

Now, however, he can’t fall back asleep despite the exhaustion, for fear squeezes his chest, palpitations vibrating through him. And the cause of his sudden terror: there’s something wrong with Luffy.

In the last few minutes, his captain’s movements have become stiff, and his hands flap harder and faster. Is Luffy on the verge of a meltdown? He wants to ask, but he can barely speak at the best of times, and right now certainly doesn’t count.

Zoro swallows, staring around the deck. Usopp stands at the ship’s wheel, steering the ship whilst Nami navigates for him (she told him they should arrive at a port tomorrow, and the thought of getting off of the ship is so distressing he keeps pushing it to the back of his mind), whilst Sanji is with Luffy at the table, having asked Luffy to help him tidy up after the others ate some food a while ago (Zoro vaguely remembers someone feeding him soup, and the horrible nausea he got afterwards). But Sanji hasn’t noticed the sudden change in Luffy’s behaviour. How will he get his attention? Someone needs to calm Luffy down, or…

“Shit!” Luffy yelps, and there’s a sharp shattering sound of ceramic colliding with wood. Shards of a plate surround Luffy’s feet, and he stares down at it, trembling. His hands flap so hard they seem to blur, and he tenses his shoulders; his hat obscures his face, but Zoro can imagine his wide eyes and clenched jaw.

“What was that?” Nami calls.

“Luffy broke a plate!” Sanji calls back. He turns back to Luffy and says, “Why’re you so tense? It was just a plate. I’m not mad.” He gives a weak chuckle. “I’m used to you breaking my stuff. Luffy?”

Luffy takes a few, shaky steps away from the broken plate, and stops. His hands freeze in place, and he grabs the sides of his head (his hat falling off and fluttering to the deck behind him, but Luffy doesn’t notice or care), fingers digging into his hair. Now Zoro can see his face, the expression of total overload written all over it.

“Luffy?” Sanji says. “Are you gonna have a meltdown?” Oh, he finally noticed. “Do you need to go to the bunkroom?”

“A meltdown?” Nami says, and she abandons her map and hurries over, Usopp following close behind. They keep their distance from Luffy and Nami gestures for Sanji to do the same, respecting his personal space.

“Oh, Luffy, it’s okay,” Usopp says. Try to calm down. It’s okay. Nobody’s mad.”

“It was just an accident. Why don’t you flap your hands again? Want me to take you to the bunkroom?”

Luffy doesn’t process anything Usopp or Nami says, and his eyes fill with tears. And then he drops into a crouch, curls in on himself and starts to cry.

“Luffy?!” Sanji says.

“It’s too late now,” Nami whispers. “We just need to give him space. Only step in if he starts hitting his head too hard. Otherwise… just leave him.”

Sanji looks horrified, but Nami is right; Zoro knows better than most people that, by this point, Luffy is too overwhelmed to calm down. He needs the meltdown to happen, and they’ll have to deal with it afterwards. Usopp turns away, unable to look at Luffy in this state.

Luffy lets out a sob, tears streaming down his face. He tries to rock himself back and forth but overbalances, toppling forwards onto his knees. In this new position, he sniffles and screws his eyes up, rocking his torso backwards and forwards harder and harder. The sobs get louder, and Luffy brings his hand up to his face. As he shakes violently, Luffy lines the back of his wrist up with his mouth, and… bites down hard.

Zoro gulps, the tightness in his chest getting worse and worse. As he watches Luffy bite himself, his mind races. Luffy has been severely overwhelmed ever since Zoro was kidnapped. He had a meltdown the other day. This… this never would have happened if Zoro wasn’t in such a state.

Is this all his fault?

Zoro’s stomach squeezes, and he grits his jaw. In an attempt to get those thoughts out of his head, he moves his good arm and presses his remaining fingernails against his uninjured thigh. And he starts to scratch, scraping dry skin with jagged nails.

“Whoa, Zoro, don’t do that…”

He faintly notices someone speak, recognising them a whole second later as Sanji. Sanji stands beside him (when did he appear?) and stares down at Zoro. And then Sanji reaches down and grasps Zoro’s wrist.

And he knows it’s a kind action, he knows Sanji’s voice was calm and his grip was soft, and he knows Sanji was just gently moving his hand so he couldn’t scratch anymore, but the moment those fingers grasped his wrist…

Panic flares through him, and Zoro freezes. He stares at Sanji’s hand around his wrist, and he knows it is Sanji, but at the same time he can smell damp and feel the cold and that’s not a hand—it’s a metal cuff—around his wrist and he’s on the Merry but he can see and feel things that aren’t and—is this a flashback—he has no idea what is going on other than desperately longing for Sanji to LET GO but he can’t find his words, he just sits there too still as his brain panics and his body trembles and it’s like he’s back in that cell and he can’t—

The hand releases, and he can hear Nami telling Sanji off for touching him, but Zoro can’t focus. It’s too open out here, and he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this.

He wants to hide. He wants to be alone.

Zoro tries to get up, longing to run into the bunkroom and shut the door and sob and do something—anything—to make these memories stop overwhelming his brain, and Luffy is still crying and biting himself and—he fucking hates this. He tries to get up, but he doesn’t even get to his feet. The moment he tries to stand, his legs buckle and he falls to his knees. And horrific pain flares in his thigh, the scab tearing and blood soaking into the dressing, and his head spins and—

He faints.

\---

When he finally comes back to himself, he’s sobbing and shaking and his arm hurts. Luffy opens his swollen eyes, and finds himself hunched up in the middle of the deck, dark red bite marks patterning his forearm. His head throbs, but his memories come floating back. He remembers the plate shattering and that moment being like the final thing piling up until he snapped and went over the edge, and the overloading static inside his brain and… nothing.

Yeah, that wasn’t good. Logically, Luffy knows he should ask Nami to make him a cold compress for his arm (if he doesn’t do something, he’ll have horrible bruises in a few hours), but he doesn’t even know if he can think properly, let alone talk. To be honest, he just wants to retreat and hide and hope he feels better later.

So, without checking where Zoro and Usopp and Nami and Sanji are, Luffy drags himself to his feet and makes for the bunkroom. He moves like a drunkard, his legs wobbling and his head pounding, the world shifting even more than it normally does when on a ship, and he thinks people speak to him but he can’t deal with that right now… Luffy staggers over to the bunkroom and collides with the door, but it doesn’t really register. He just fumbles with the handle and enters the room, shutting the door behind him.

The moment he reaches a futon, he drops to his knees and kicks his shoes off. Luffy lets out a shaky sigh, swallowing hard—and then wincing when the action hurts the lump in his throat. And as he’s about to topple onto his side and sleep, Luffy realises he isn’t the only one in the room.

Zoro lies on his back on a futon, head tilted in Luffy’s direction. His fever hasn’t gone up again, but he looks worse than he did earlier, his eyes swollen from crying, a nasty bruise forming on his knee and a level of tension that suggests he had a panic attack recently. He wants to say something to comfort Zoro, but… he can’t find his words.

“H-Hey…” Zoro whispers, voice cracking.

Luffy offers him a smile, awkwardly waggling his fingers—until the movement puts pressure on the red marks patterning his wrist, and he winces. Instead, he crawls over to Zoro, and points at the futon, before pointing at himself.

Thankfully, Zoro understands what he means, and murmurs, “Y-Yeah. Y’can lay n-next… to me.”

Luffy manages a far more genuine smile, and drags a futon right next to Zoro. He lies down beside Zoro, rolling onto his side so he faces his partner. Cautiously, Luffy wriggles closer, waiting for Zoro to ask him not to get any closer—and stops very, very close when Zoro mumbles to him. He’s right in Zoro’s personal space, but Zoro doesn’t mind. Luffy smiles, but his eyes sting. He’s close enough that he could sling an arm across Zoro’s torso and snore into Zoro’s neck—something he did a lot in the past—but he doesn’t. He just lies here, treasuring the trust his badly traumatised partner has for him.

For a long few minutes, the room falls into silence. Luffy is certain Zoro has noticed his sore arm, but Zoro says nothing; as he didn’t want to talk about the meltdown, gratitude flows through Luffy’s foggy brain. Luffy just lies there, staring at Zoro, wanting to speak but unable to, but realising they don’t need him to—they’re fine with the silence.

Eventually, Zoro is the one to break the silence. Staring straight at Luffy, Zoro manages a weak smile as he says, “Thank you.”

Luffy frowns, confused.

Managing to read Luffy’s expression, Zoro closes his eyes and adds, “For… being here.”

Luffy smiles, but his eyes fill with tears and he has to screw them up to stop the tears falling.

\---

On deck, Sanji stubs out a cigarette before immediately lighting a new one. Nami sighs; it’s never good when Sanji chain smokes. Beside her, Usopp sniffs, just about over his fit of crying. Exhaustion throbs through Nami’s body, and she just wants to go to sleep. But there’s too much to deal with for her to have even the slightest chance of falling asleep.

Sanji puffs smoke out of his nose and stares at the pair of them, an agonising expression of guilt covering his features. “Guys… uh, I’m so sorry for upsetting Zoro.”

Usopp sighs. “Sanji, we get it. You don’t need to keep apologising.”

“Yeah, it… it makes you feel like shit to accidentally trigger someone, but you didn’t mean to, and…” Nami sighs too. “It could’ve happened to any of us.”

“Good point,” Usopp says. “And he’ll forgive you. Please stop beating yourself up about this.”

“Usopp’s right,” Nami says. “It’s okay, Sanji.”

And as Sanji perks up at her words, Nami smiles and tiptoes over to the bunkroom. She opens the door and peers inside, and stares at Luffy and Zoro. Luffy lies right beside Zoro, and they’re both fast asleep. And although she still feels awful, the scene is so fucking adorable Nami can’t help but smile.


	8. Chapter 8

After the misfortune of Luffy’s meltdown and Zoro’s flashback, the day passes without any more shitty things happening. Sanji, Nami and Usopp leave the two of them alone in the bunkroom, letting them sleep for several hours, all the while guilt still gnaws at Sanji for setting Zoro off, despite Nami and Usopp telling him again and again that it could have happened to anymore. He tries to focus on their destination, watching Nami navigate as he smokes.

“We should be there tomorrow morning,” Nami says as the evening approaches, and Usopp grins.

Finally, they’ll be able to get Zoro to a doctor. Nami was right; first aid isn’t enough for his injuries, and he needs access to medicines and treatment options simply not on offer in the middle of the ocean. He just hopes the doctor can actually do something to help.

“Um, guys, I was just wondering…” Usopp says, his grin fading. “Wh-What if Zoro refuses to see a doctor?”

Sanji frowns. “You mean you’re worried he’ll say no and we’ll be left arguing with him?”

Usopp nods. “Kinda, yeah. Zoro’s just so scared all the time, and seeing a stranger might be too much for him. Seriously, what’ll we do if he won’t go?”

“We’ll force him,” Nami says, her hands gripping the ship’s wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white.

“N-Nami?” Usopp says, and Sanji almost drops his cigarette.

She doesn’t sound aggressive or angry, but to hear Nami say that so suddenly… Sanji wants to shiver. Sometimes, he forgets how dangerous Nami can be, but when she said those three simple words, he certainly remembered.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she says, shoulders tensing up. “I don’t wanna force him. But… but he has to do this. He needs antibiotics to get rid of that infection, he needs real painkillers so he can actually move without fainting, and he needs… he needs to be checked over, just in case he’s been bl-bleeding internally or something horrific like that.” Nami sighs and her shoulders slump, her hands slipping off of the wheel and dangling by her sides. “And, w-well, it’s not like we can’t carry him if necessary.”

“Nami?” Usopp says, creeping towards her.

She turns her head; tears shine in her eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just…”

Usopp stops behind her, and Nami slowly turns around to face him. “No, I understand,” he says, and he hugs her.

Nami slumps into Usopp’s embrace, and Sanji smiles weakly. It’s taken a long time, but Nami has finally begun to realise it’s okay to lean on others. Although he wishes she was hugging him instead, not that he says anything.

Eventually, Nami pulls away from Usopp, smiling. She turns back around, grabbing the wheel and adjusting their course. “Sorry about that. Now… when should we tell him about the doctor?”

Sanji sighs, chucking the stub of his cigarette over the side of the ship. “As much as I don’t wanna spring it on him tomorrow, I don’t think we should do it today.”

“Yeah, I get what you mean,” Usopp says. “He’s had a… mentally taxing day. Should we do it tomorrow, Nami?”

She glances at them over her shoulder. “It’s certainly… the lesser of two evils. Yeah, let’s do it tomorrow. Sanji, can you check on Luffy and Zoro for me?”

“Of course, my darling,” he says, leaving those two by the ship’s wheel and heading to the bunkroom. Carefully, Sanji eases the door open, peeking into the dimly lit room, and finds Luffy and Zoro in the same position as before, still fast asleep. Sanji smiles and shuts the door, returning to Nami. “They’re fine.”

“That’s good,” she says, and he doesn’t need to see her face to know she’s smiling.

\---

Zoro awakes to pain flaring through his body like he’s being crushed to death, grimacing when his eyes flutter open. He doesn’t remember having a nightmare, but his sleep was still restless and he doesn’t feel any better for it. Still, at least he doesn’t feel worse.

Turning his head, Zoro finds himself alone in the bunkroom. He remembers Luffy cuddling up beside him, and finds himself longing for Luffy’s presence again—and then he remembers Luffy’s meltdown and the panic and fainting… He sighs. Just when things seemed to be going well, everything went shit again.

Someone knocks on the bunkroom door, and the door opens slightly. Nami pokes her head inside, and smiles when she sees his eyes are open. “Oh, morning, Zoro.”

“Mornin’?” he mumbles, puzzled.

Nami enters the room and kneels beside him. “Yeah, uh, after what happened, you and Luffy were asleep for hours. It’s early morning of the next day now.”

Wow, he was asleep a long time. But how much more does he have to sleep before he stops feeling half dead from sleep deprivation?

“O-Oh.”

“How’re you feeling?” she asks.

“Meh,” Zoro murmurs, wishing he could shrug his shoulders.

“Would you like something to eat? Or is there anything you need before I let the others in?”

Nami goes a bit red as she speaks, and Zoro realises what she means. At the mere thought of pissing, there’s a twinge in his lower abdomen, and he remembers he actually needs to go. He must go red too, because Nami chuckles awkwardly.

A few, awkward minutes later, Zoro feels quite a bit better with an empty bladder. Nami hurries out of the room, mindful not to spill the cup of piss. He knows it’s necessary, but the whole thing still makes him want to die with embarrassment.

The moment Nami has left, Luffy appears in the doorway. He waves at Zoro, the red marks on his arms still prominent but paler than yesterday. “Morning, Zoro,” he says, able to speak normally again.

“Mornin’,” Zoro mumbles.

Luffy wanders into the room, followed by Usopp. The pair wander over and kneel beside him. And Zoro might be sleep deprived and shit at reading facial expressions, but even he can tell they are hiding something.

“What?”

Usopp glances at Luffy, swallowing. Luffy’s smile falters for a second before he grins at Zoro again.

“G-Guys?” Zoro says.

“Um, we just need to t-talk about something,” Usopp says.

“Huh?”

Luffy gulps. “It’s not bad, but let’s wait until Nami and Sanji come back, okay?”

Zoro stares at the pair, his guts clenching. He hates to doubt Luffy, but part of him just can’t believe Luffy’s insistence that it’s ‘not bad’. What is going to happen? His good hand starts to shake, and Zoro clenches a pathetic fist to hide the tremors.

“Oh shit, Zoro, I didn’t mean to get you worried,” Luffy says, noticing his hand.

“What’ve you done now, Luffy?” Sanji says, voice teasing, as he enters the room. But when he sees the look on Luffy’s face, he sighs. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“I think I worried Zoro.”

Following Sanji, Nami returns, and she shakes her head. “For fuck’s sake, guys, we talked about this.” She sighs, sitting down beside Zoro. “Sorry if Luffy worried you, even though he’s trying to help. It’s just… Zoro, we’ve arrived at a port.”

Zoro blinks; for the life of him, he can’t work out why any of his crewmates would consider that big enough news to call a weird meeting in the bunkroom like this. And yet, they’re all here. So he was right to suspect Luffy; there’s something going on here.

“What’re y-you doin’?” Zoro says, longing for the ridiculous anxiety to go away.

The three guys look at Nami; she must be the one who got picked to talk to Zoro about whatever the fuck this is.

Nami sighs, clasping her hands together. “Zoro… we’d like to take you to see a doctor.”

And, just like that, the ridiculous anxiety not only stays put, but skyrockets. A bolt of terror shoots through his chest, and Zoro’s heart starts to palpitate. And he doesn’t even know why. Is it that he’s just become so anxious the mere thought of meeting another person worries him now? Is it a fear of being in a room alone with someone who holds a lot of power over him? Is it a combination of both of them, or something completely different? He doesn’t know. He just knows he’s fucking terrified.

Thankfully, he doesn’t fall into a panic attack. And it’s all because of his teammates. The guys scoot backwards to give him some room, and as he struggles with his pounding heart, Nami sits beside him, helping him time his breathing. It’s hard, but he manages to heave in his breaths, hold and exhale when Nami tells him, and keeping his focus on his breathing seems to not allow his brain a chance to bring up any of those flashbacks.

As he fights the panic—a fight he actually seems to be winning—Zoro finds himself craving contact, and holds out his good hand. Whilst Zoro shudders and splutters and fights back nausea, he watches the others whisper amongst themselves, before Luffy crawls over. And, carefully, Luffy holds out his hand, letting Zoro touch his fingers.

He touches Luffy’s clammy hand, adjusting his grip to squeeze as hard as he can (which is ridiculously weak). Luffy squeezes back, stroking the back of Zoro’s knuckles with his thumb. And, with this small, simple connection to Luffy, it’s like the panic attack fighting to enter his brain knows it’ll never get through his defences and stops trying to invade. It doesn’t end, but with Luffy holding his hand and Nami counting his breathing, Zoro’s mind doesn’t get pulled from the bunkroom of the Going Merry.

He is here. And they are with him.

Eventually, the wave of fear ends without turning into a full-on panic attack, and Zoro exhales slowly, amazed it didn’t turn out that way.

“Well done, Zoro,” Nami says.

Zoro swallows. “It was… you guys. Th-Thanks.”

Luffy grins, squeezing his hand again. “No problem.”

“Uh… s-sorry ‘bout that,” Zoro says.

“No, it’s understandable,” Sanji says, he and Usopp moving closer again. “Don’t feel bad about it. You up to finishing the conversation now?”

“Think so,” Zoro says, but that fear’s still eating away at him.

“I know you’re worried, Zoro, but we’ve got some promises we need to tell you,” Nami says. “We promise we won’t leave you alone with the doctor. We promise we’ll be out of there as quickly as possible. And we promise to do all the talking for you, if that’s what you want. Right, guys?”

Sanji nods.

“Yep,” Usopp says.

Luffy grins. “We promise.”

And even though they’re just words, those simple words start to undo the knot of fear in his guts. Zoro still wants to throw up with fear, but, as he raises his head up from the pillow, he says, “O-Okay. Let’s try.”

\---

Getting Zoro onto the Merry when they rescued him was incredibly fucking difficult, but it never occurred to Usopp how difficult it would be to get Zoro off of the ship too. But he thinks about it now. Thinks about it and groans.

He stands in the bunkroom, holding a pair of Zoro’s hakama. Across the room, Nami helps Zoro pull a shirt over his head, a shirt that seems too big after his weight loss. Zoro hisses in pain when he moves his broken arm, but they manage to get his stiff arm and the bulky splint through the sleeve.

And now it’s Usopp’s turn. He crawls closer and bunches up the legs of the hakama, and nods at Zoro. Zoro nods back, and lets Usopp slip his feet into the waistband of his hakama. Mindful not to touch his ankles, Usopp feeds Zoro’s feet through the legs until his feet stick out the ends, and pulls the waistband up Zoro’s shins. It’s amazing how much choreography that needed, and that was only the easy bit.

Counting Zoro into it, Luffy and Sanji wrap their arms around him and help him stand up like yesterday, still taking most of his weight for him. Once Zoro is stable on his feet (his legs still wobbling and wobbling), Usopp crouches and pulls his hakama up his shaking legs, mindful not to hurt his stab wound. Once the waistband is around Zoro’s waist, Usopp steps backwards, and Zoro gives him a weak smile.

“Th-Thanks…”

“Do you wanna go yet, Zoro, or should we wait a bit?” Nami asks, watching Zoro, Luffy and Sanji all tremble and grimace with effort.

Zoro swallows hard, screwing his eyes up. “C-Can we just… go?”

“Sure thing,” she says. “Ready, guys?”

When they all nod, Nami leads the way out of the bunkroom. Usopp takes up the rear, ready to try to catch Zoro if he falls and Luffy and Sanji can’t stabilise him in time. He keeps his eyes on Zoro’s weak, dragging legs as the others help him walk out of the bunkroom and across the deck, hating how fragile Zoro is now.

And when they reach the side of the ship, the rope ladder dangling all the way down to the dock below them, everyone catches onto what had been worrying Usopp this whole time.

“Uh… how’re we gonna do this?” Sanji asks, panting.

Nami frowns, thinking hard. She stares over the edge of the ship, trying to gauge the distance to the dock (it must be over three metres—a fucking nasty drop), and sighs, nibbling on her bottom lip. As Nami thinks, Sanji and Luffy turn around, letting Zoro lean his back against the railing, and all three of them relax slightly, some of the strain taken from them.

“Um…” Usopp says, flicking the end of his nose. “Uh…”

“Oh, I’ve got it!” Nami cries, grinning. “Luffy, use your Devil Fruit powers.”

“Huh?” Luffy says, and Sanji snorts at the incredible look of confusion that crosses their captain’s face.

“I was just thinking… you think you could take Zoro’s body weight if you wrapped yourself around him?” she asks.

Luffy tilts his head. “For a few seconds, probably. I still don’t get it.”

Nami stares over the edge again. “I’m not totally sure it’ll work, but it’s worth a try. Okay, here’s what I was thinking: Luffy, stretch out your legs and wrap them around Zoro, and Zoro cling onto Luffy as hard as you can manage. Then Luffy can sit on the railing, grab it with his hands and stretch his arms out, and that’ll lower you both to the ground. Then let go of Zoro and spring back onto the deck, and we should be done.” She glances at them. “How’s that sound? Is it too stupid to work?”

Usopp grins and hugs her. “That’s an awesome idea! Can you do that, Luffy?”

“Probably,” Luffy says. “I just… I don’t wanna hurt Zoro.”

Zoro lets his head flop, bumping the side of his head against Luffy’s chin. “I… trust you.”

Luffy flinches, his eyes widening. They fill with tears, and he smiles. “Zoro… Okay, let’s do this.”

Nami scrabbles down the ladder and stands on the dock, staring up at them. As Usopp swaps places with Luffy to support Zoro, Luffy sits on the railing, and Usopp and Sanji help lift Zoro ever so slightly off of the ground, and Luffy lifts Zoro’s legs and eases them over the edge, leaving Zoro straddling Luffy’s hips in a very intimate position.

“Hold on tight, Zoro,” Luffy says, and as Zoro clings to Luffy with his good hand, Luffy manipulates his body in a way that still kind of freaks Usopp out, stretching his legs out to ten times their normal length and coiling them around himself and Zoro like ribbon. Thankfully, Luffy manages to avoid yelling out ‘Gum Gum’, but it’s still a very weird thing to see. Luffy’s taut, stretched legs tremble, and Usopp knows he needs to let them go soon, preferably without propelling Zoro into the air. Luffy plants his hands firmly on the railing, and, checking once again that Zoro is secured to him with his own legs, he says, “Ready?”

“Uh huh,” Zoro mumbles.

And… it happens. Gritting his teeth, Luffy lets himself do a backwards roll off of the railing, his arms stretching as he and Zoro flip upside down in midair before returning to an upright position, the whole thing as fast as a blur. As Zoro lets out a shriek of discomfort, Luffy reaches the dock and uncoils his legs from around Zoro, Nami rushing over to catch Zoro before he falls onto his butt. The moment he lets go of Zoro, his legs snap back to normal and his trembling arms snap back too, propelling Luffy into the air with a whoosh. Luffy swirls through the air and lands in a heap on the deck, giggling.

“I didn’t expect you to go fucking backwards!” Sanji cries as Usopp rushes over to Luffy.

Luffy sits up, grinning. Taking the hand offered by Usopp, he gets to his feet and rushes over to the railing, staring down at Zoro. Zoro sits on the dock, Nami’s arms wrapped around him, and Usopp spots unmistakable nausea on his face.

“Sorry, Zoro, didn’t mean to make you feel sick,” Luffy says, climbing down the ladder.

Usopp follows and Sanji goes last, the three of them crouching in front of Zoro and Nami.

“S’okay,” Zoro mumbles, swallowing hard.

“Are you feeling okay?” Usopp asks.

“Uh huh.”

“Ready to get moving?” Nami asks.

Once he has gotten over his round of acrobatics courtesy of Luffy, Zoro gives an affirmative murmur. And, once again, they start their routine all over again. This time, Luffy and Usopp support Zoro whilst Sanji walks behind, Nami still leading the way. Zoro trembles violently and Usopp pant for breath, Zoro’s body hot and heavy against his.

As they take a painfully slow walk across the dock, Usopp glances behind him at the Merry. “Think it’ll work?”

“For a while, hopefully,” Sanji says.

Last night, when Luffy and Zoro were asleep, Usopp, Sanji and Nami took down their pirate flags, replacing them with plain black ones. It makes the Merry look weird and very boring, but also unlike a pirate ship. Sanji is right, though; even with this in place, they still have a limited time before anything happens. Usopp just hopes they can get Zoro treated before anything bad happens.

Returning his focus to their walk, he and Luffy help Zoro along, his shoes scuffing against the ground. They walk up a narrow lane and spot the small village not too far away, and Usopp sighs in relief.

Still, they have to stop twice on their short walk, helping Zoro slump against a tree and then a fence as he pants so hard they fear he might faint. Over an hour has passed since they got Zoro off of the ship by the time they walk past the village’s welcome sign.

They lead Zoro over to a bench by a fountain, and he slumps against Usopp, eyes drifting shut. He’s so very exhausted, and they haven’t even seen the doctor yet.

“Okay, let’s go look for this doctor,” Nami says, but as she turns away from Zoro, she freezes.

“What?” Usopp says, taking his gaze from Zoro. He looks past Nami—and he sees it.

On a bulletin board outside an old fashioned pub, there’s a wanted poster. A wanted poster with the face of a very familiar pirate on it.

“Holy shit,” Usopp says. “Monkey D. Luffy,” he reads aloud, and Luffy jumps to his feet. “Wanted dead or alive. Th-Thirty million berries!?”

“What the fuck?” Sanji cries. “That’s gotta be the highest bounty in the East Blue.”

“Whoa…” Luffy says. He stands up, staring at the poster. “I guess that corrupt Marine back in Cocoyashi Village really hates my guts, huh?”

“You could say that,” Nami says. “But this… complicates things. We need to see the doctor, Luffy. We can’t let anyone see you.”

Zoro exhales slowly, trying to catch himself up on their conversation. Nami steps to the side, letting him see. “Huh…” Usopp expects Zoro to panic, but his lips curve into a weak smile. “C-Cool.”

Luffy giggles. “I know, right?”

“You’re gonna need a disguise,” Nami says. “We can’t get spotted.”

“Oh, a disguise?” Luffy says, grinning wider than ever. And, to Usopp’s amazement, Luffy pulls off his hat and plants it firmly onto Nami’s head. “There, good as new! Nobody’ll know me without my straw hat on.”

Nami touches the brim of her hat, incredulous. And then… she breaks out laughing. “You fucking dork!”

And even Zoro starts laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, and it’s almost like things have gone back to normal—

And then laughing hurts his back and makes him wince, and Usopp remembers that things are far from normal.


	9. Chapter 9

Once Zoro has gotten his limited strength back (and Luffy has stopped giggling about his wanted poster), Nami hurries off to locate the doctor. She runs through the streets and square of the unfamiliar village, praying that this town has a doctor. She knows they must have (after all, what village doesn’t have a doctor?), but it would just be their luck to have dragged Zoro all this way for nothing. Thankfully, she manages to find the doctor’s office down a side street, and spots the OPEN sign hanging on the door.

Nami knocks and pushes the door open, a bell jingling. She glances around the small space, studying the medical diagrams all over the walls, the bed surrounded by a curtain in the corner of the room and a desk loaded with paperwork. An old man sits at the desk, his head snapping up with the bell rings. He spins his chair around at stares at her; his receding hair is streaked with grey, and large glasses magnify his eyes. She expects him to act like a grumpy old man, but he smiles.

“Hello, young lady,” he says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’ve just got someone with me who… needs medical treatment. Are you free to take a look at him?”

He smiles. “Luckily for you, I’m free for the best part of the day. Go and fetch your friend, my dear.”

“Thank you,” Nami says, bowing her head, and she hurtles back out of the door.

She runs back to the guys, giving them a thumbs-up.

“Awesome!” Luffy says.

“Are you ready, Zoro?” Sanji asks.

“Uh huh,” Zoro mumbles, and when Nami stares at him, she wants to cry. She can actually see the terror in his eyes, but he tries to mask it with a weak attempt at a smile. He’s trying so hard to be strong. She wants to hug him, but stops himself.

“Okay, here we go,” Usopp says, slipping his shoulder under Zoro’s arm.

Usopp and Sanji ease Zoro upright, and he lets out a grunt of pain. His legs shake worse than ever, and he might fall over any minute.

Leading the way to the doctor, Nami glances over her shoulder and says, “Not much longer now, Zoro.”

Each movement takes even slower than only a few minutes ago, Usopp and Sanji having to practically drag Zoro along, his shoes scraping against the ground. Luffy stands behind the three of them jittering with nervous energy, and when she glances at him, Nami can see Luffy holding his arms out, fully prepared to catch Zoro if he falls.

The walk that took Nami less than twenty seconds when she ran it goes on for over five minutes, Zoro’s movements as slow as a snail. But it’s not his fault; to be honest, Nami is amazed that Zoro can walk at all after everything he went through.

Eventually, they reach the office.

“It’s me again,” Nami says as she opens the door, stepping inside. The doctor stands by the sink, cleaning his hands. “We’ve got him.”

As Usopp and Sanji sidestep through the narrow door, the doctor turns around. His eyes widen slightly when he stares at Zoro, but he soon masks it with a smile.

“I see. Place him on the bed, and we’ll get started.”

Easing Zoro through the office, Usopp and Sanji help him sit down. He gasps for breath, grunting as he stays sat up on the bed, his back against the wall and his feet dangling. His eyelids droop; is he going to faint.

The doctor walks over, thankfully keeping his distance. Zoro stares at him with distrust in his eyes.

“Uh, this is Zoro,” Nami says, assuming the role of the one to explain everything to the doctor. “He’s got lots of injuries and a fever, and first aid wasn’t enough. So we came here. Can you help him?”

“Of course I can.” The doctor takes a step closer to Zoro, but stops when Zoro flinches. “Hello, Zoro.”

“’lo,” Zoro mumbles.

“Um, there’s a couple of things we need to tell you before you do anything,” Nami says. “Thing is, we’re not leaving. Zoro doesn’t wanna be alone. It’s nothing personal.”

“No, that’s quite understandable.”

“And the other thing… please, please don’t touch his ankles, wrists or neck. It makes Zoro panic. If you absolutely have to, please tell him first.”

The doctor nods. “Yes, of course.” He studies the faces of Nami, Usopp, Luffy and Sanji, and flickers his gaze up and down Zoro’s frame. “Am I correct to assume you were tortured, Zoro?”

Zoro flinches, letting out a slight gasp.

“Y-Yeah,” Nami says, and Luffy grabs her hand. “He was.”

“I know my words mean nothing, but I’m so sorry you had to go through something so horrific, Zoro,” the doctor says. “I promise I will do anything in my power to help you feel better.”

Behind her, Usopp sniffles. Luffy squeezes her hand. A lump forms in Nami’s throat, but she forces herself to smile.

“Thank… you,” Zoro says, voice cracking.

The doctor gives him a sad smile. “Now, could you help Zoro remove his clothes and lie down on the bed?”

“S-Sure thing, doc,” Sanji says, hurrying over.

With Luffy still refusing to let go of her hand, Nami steps backwards, giving Sanji and Usopp access to Zoro. The pair help him out of his clothes, leaving him in just his underpants and bandages. Zoro winces with every movement, hissing in pain when he reclines onto his back. He stares up at the doctor, as though he expects the man to torture him any second. Maybe that really is what goes through Zoro’s mind.

“I just need to take some vital signs first,” the doctor says. He turns to the large closet on the wall and takes out a thermometer, a stethoscope and a blood pressure cuff (Nami bets she’s the only member of the Straw Hats who actually knows what the last one is), before returning to Zoro. He puts the thermometer into Zoro’s mouth, and fits the stethoscope into his ears. Then he presses the metal part to Zoro’s chest, making Zoro flinch. “Sorry. You have a very fast heart rate. Are you anxious, Zoro?”

Zoro hesitates, before mumbling, “Uh huh,” around the thermometer.

“He’s tired too,” Usopp says. “Walking here too a lot out of him.”

“Well, that’s understandable. All right,” the doctor says, taking the stethoscope off and plucking the thermometer out of Zoro’s mouth. Studying it, he says, “You have a slight fever. It could be a lot worse, though.”

“Um, the other night, it was really, really high,” Nami says. “We don’t have a thermometer, but it felt like he was on fire. Thankfully, we managed to get it down.”

“That was some quick thinking. Zoro, you don’t appear to have a generalised infection like influenza, so I assume your fever is caused by an infected wound.”

“Y-Yeah,” Zoro says.

“It’s his thigh,” Luffy says. “N-Nami had to drain it. There was so much pus. Still infected, though.”

“Well, that explains the fever. Now, I need to inspect your wounds, Zoro. Is it all right for me to remove your dressings and bandages?”

“Y-Yeah,” Zoro mumbles, still staring at the doctor.

“Just remember we’re here, Zoro,” Luffy says. “It’s okay.”

Zoro doesn’t respond, but he relaxes ever so slightly. It seems Luffy’s words helped.

Carefully, the doctor peels the dressing off of Zoro’s forehead. The scab hasn’t broken, but the wound still looks horrific even without blood everywhere.

“I’m sure you know this, but it’s too late for me to give you stitches. So when they heal, your wounds will scar significantly.”

Zoro gives a vague murmur in response. He doesn’t say it, but Nami is certain she knows what he thinks; with everything that has happened to him, some scars are nothing to worry about.

Slowly, the doctor repeats the process with Zoro’s other wounds, studying them and finding them uninfected and healing well, if very slowly. “But that’s to be expected in someone malnourished,” he explains.

The doctor leaves the stab wound on his thigh until last, able to see the swelling at the edges of the bandage. He unclips the safety pin and unravels Zoro’s bandages, exposing the dressing. Just like the last time Nami checked, brown splodges stain the dressing, blood and pus soaking through. Zoro hisses when he removes the dressing, and the doctor apologises.

“Yes, this looks severe. You did the right thing by draining the wound. I assume this wound is deep?”

Zoro screws up his eyes. “It goes… right t-to the bone…”

Luffy flinches. Nami knows the wound is horrifically deep, but to actually hear Zoro say that makes her stomach roll.

Thankfully, the doctor doesn’t question how it happened, simply nodding his head. “I see. No wonder it got infected. I’ll need to drain the wound again, but this will get very painful. Would you like some pain relief?”

Nami expects Zoro to try to be strong and brave it out, just like he always used to when he got hurt. But, with his eyes still shut, Zoro just sighs and says, “P-Please.”

“All right,” the doctor says. As he walks back to the sink to wash his hands, adds, “I’ll give you a strong anaesthetic. It should make you very groggy as well as numb the pain.” He returns to the closet and takes out a small bottle of clear liquid and a needle. Zoro keeps his eyes shut, but Nami finds herself staring as the doctor takes the needle out of its packaging, opens the bottle and fills the syringe with the drug. Luffy, who has never been very fond of needles, squeezes her hand so tight she winces.

“You’ll feel a sharp scratch, and then it’ll be over,” the doctor says, hovering the needle over Zoro’s arm. As Zoro grits his jaw, he breaks the skin, injecting Zoro with the drug.

Zoro hisses, opening his eyes.

“It should take effect in a few minutes. While we’re waiting, I can’t help but notice your arm. Who made your splint?”

“Oh, that w-was me,” Usopp says, going red.

The doctor smiles. “As makeshift splints go, it’s a very good one.”

“Th-Thank you.”

“Would you like me to set your broken arm too?”

“Uh… y-yeah,” Zoro says, slurring slightly. Are the drugs already working?

As Zoro slowly becomes groggier and groggier, the doctor returns to the closet and takes out a needle much like the one Nami used on Zoro but bigger (it looks a lot like the needles they use to pierce your ears), and a lot of dressings.

Within a few minutes, Zoro can barely keep his eyes open, his always-tense muscles going limp. He actually looks relaxed, but it’s horrific to think the only way for Zoro to relax is to actually be drugged.

“Right, time for me to open your wound, Zoro. It might still hurt, but it should feel very faint. Are you ready?”

Zoro nods, eyes glassy.

Nami watches the doctor ease the needle under the loose scab and pull it up, wondering if it looked this disturbing with the others watched her do it. A small amount of bloody pus oozes out, and he mops it up with a wad of gauze. If it hurts Zoro, he doesn’t react, half asleep and slumped on the bed.

The doctor cleans out the wound just like Usopp did, but using a far thicker and probably stronger antiseptic cream. And then he reapplies the dressing and bandage, and washes his hands at the sink.

“I’m going to set your arm now, Zoro. I’ll try my best not to touch your wrist.”

Her whole body rigid, just waiting for something to go wrong, Nami watches the doctor remove Usopp’s splint. Zoro’s face twitches; did that hurt? Without the splint obscuring it, the horrific state of Zoro’s broken arm and wrist shows to everyone in the room. The bruising has only gotten worse, the gash scabbed over but crusty with dry blood, and the way the bones distort beneath the skin is enough to make a person with the strongest stomach feel sick. Nami certainly does.

The doctor doesn’t ask what caused it, and Nami is grateful; even she doesn’t know the details, but it wouldn’t take a genius to work it out.

“H-His hand was originally facing the wrong way, but I did my best to turn it ‘round when I set it,” Nami says.

“You did a good job,” the doctor says, studying Zoro’s arm.

After warning Zoro first, the doctor places his hands on Zoro’s arm and manipulates it, doing what Nami did the day they rescued Zoro, but with a lot more skill. When he has finished, his arm looks less distorted, but still horribly swollen. But he hesitates when he looks at Zoro’s wrist.

“I can just about get your arm into position, Zoro,” he says. “However, there is little I can do for your wrist. The bones will have to heal as they are now. I’m afraid you will have limited mobility in your arm, and especially your wrist, for the rest of your life.”

Still, he does his best with Zoro’s wrist, making the groggy Zoro hiss in discomfort. As he watches, Luffy trembles, tears in his eyes, and Nami notices how he has been bouncing on the balls of his feet all day. Her chest aches; of course, she knew Zoro’s arm is messed up, but to actually hear a doctor tell them Zoro’s wrist will always be deformed makes her want to cry.

Once he has finished, he says, “I need to cover your arm with a plaster cast, Zoro. It will feel very cold and strange, and I’ll need you to stay very still whilst it sets. Is that all right?”

Zoro blinks, eyelids drooping but managing to stay awake. “Y-Yeah…”

Even though it makes her feel a bit of a jerk (because this is a horrible situation), Nami has to admit to being fascinated as the doctor begins the process; she’s never seen someone have a plaster cast done before. The doctor takes out a packet and tips white powder into a bowl, filling it with water. He mixes it with his hands, and adds strips of fabric to the cloudy mix. The doctor asks Sanji to hold Zoro’s arm at the elbow and raise it off of the bed, whilst Usopp holds his fingers to keep his hand from drooping. And, carefully, he takes the wet fabric out of the bowl and starts to wrap them around Zoro’s forearm, starting from right below his elbow and extending right down to the first set of knuckles on his hand.

Once he has finished, he places Zoro’s arm across his bare torso, and washes his messy hands. Zoro shivers at the cold wetness, but his eyelids droop further.

“Now,” the doctor says. “Before you leave, I need to make sure the cast has set and the painkillers have worn off. This will take at least two hours, so… would you like to do any shopping while you wait?”

Nami glances at Sanji. “That’s a good idea. What supplies should we get from you?”

The doctor opens his mouth to speak, but stops when they all hear a noise. A soft snore escapes Zoro, who has fallen asleep. Luffy smiles fondly.

“Anyway,” the doctor says. “You need antibiotics to get rid of his fever, but I also recommend some strong painkillers. They won’t be as strong as the one I gave him, but they are much stronger than anything you can buy in a shop. You probably need a lot of dressings and bandages, too. Oh, and I think you need to own a thermometer.”

Nami smiles. “Yeah, you’re right.”

The doctor collects the supplies he recommended and places them into a large paper bag.

“How much do we owe you?” Sanji asks.

When the doctor gives them his fee, Sanji, Nami, Usopp and Luffy all glance at each other. When Nami takes out her money and gives him double his fee, nobody complains about her decision. The doctor smiles, rather touched.

“Thank you,” he says.

“O-Okay, should we go get some supplies while we’re waiting?” Sanji says.

“Good idea,” Usopp says. “Who’ll stay with Zoro?”

“I will!” Luffy says, still jiggling up and down. “I can do it.”

“Thanks, Luffy,” Nami says, giving him a quick hug. “See you later.”

And as Luffy bounces up and down and stares at Zoro, the three of them leave the room.

\---

Unsure of what to say to the doctor, Luffy darts over to Zoro, staring at him. The sharp white plaster cast looks weird as it dries on his arm, but at least Zoro looks pretty relaxed in his sleep. Luffy sighs and starts to nibble on his nails, at a loss for what to do.

“I recognise you, Monkey D. Luffy,” the doctor says, and Luffy jumps.

He spins around, and stares at the doctor. The old man wears a knowing smile, staring at him.

“H-Huh?”

“Your female companion was wearing your hat, but I can tell who you are without it. You are Monkey D. Luffy, the wanted pirate. Correct?”

There would be no point in lying, and he can’t run away with Zoro in this state. Luffy ducks his head. “Um… y-yeah.”

“I knew it. But you don’t need to worry,” the doctor says. “I won’t sell you out to the Marines.”

Luffy’s head snaps up. “What? Why? I mean, that’s awesome, but… why?”

“I’m a doctor,” he says, smiling. “My job is to help people. Zoro, your companion, needs my help. As long as you don’t cause chaos in this village, I see no reason to alert the Marines.”

“Th-Thank you,” Luffy says, his heart pounding and pounding. “Thank you, sir.”

The doctor chuckles. “You’re welcome, young man.”

Luffy lets out a long, shaky sigh. That was close. Thank goodness this doctor is such a nice guy.

\---

Two hours after he was injected, Zoro comes around. His hands full of shopping bags, Usopp stares at Zoro, still unnerved to see him so vulnerable. He watches the doctor check Zoro’s plaster cast has hardened, and check Zoro has come around enough to leave his office.

“How do you feel, Zoro?” he asks.

Zoro groans. “Tired…”

The doctor chuckles. “I don’t blame you. The drugs should still be in your system for several hours, but they wear off very fast. I’ve given your crewmates a lot of supplies to help with your recovery. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Th-Thanks,” Zoro mumbles. “I… I feel sick…”

“Yes, I’m afraid nausea is a common side effect. It should go away at some point.”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay, well, thank you for everything, doctor,” Nami says, bowing her head. “Are you ready to go, Zoro?”

“Think so.”

And they leave the village as quickly as possible so they don’t get spotted, Zoro groaning far less as he walks.

\---

Zoro collapses into a chair on deck as Nami steers the Merry out of the port. He gasps for breath, his body still all light and wobbly from the anaesthetic, and he finds himself staring at his crewmates.

“Guys…” he mumbles, tongue flopping inside his mouth. “Th-Thanks for e-everything.”

His four crewmates smile at him, but Zoro knows they’re forcing it. He forces his smile when he does it back, but nobody complains. They all know it’s fake, an attempt to make them all feel better, but they appreciate the offer despite the futility.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene with Zoro and Sanji at the beginning wasn't in my original plan; it was inspired by a comment by Angela_Spike_44, who was talking about wanting to see Sanji and Zoro talking about strength and weakness.

A couple of hours after they left the village, Zoro still sits in his chair on deck, watching the others go about their chores. His plaster cast feels heavy and itchy against his broken arm, and with the painkillers wearing off, his previously numb pains start to stab at him again all over his body. He grits his teeth, letting his head flop backwards.

“Hey, Zoro, you okay?” Sanji asks, walking over.

“Uh, yeah…” he mumbles, before clamming up awkwardly.

If Nami, Usopp or especially Luffy had been the ones to come over, he would have told them about the pain with no hesitation. So when Sanji asks him how he feels, why he doesn’t tell him? Does he not trust Sanji to not mock him? No, that’s not it… So why do his guts clench at the thought of admitting his pain to Sanji?

“You sure about that?”

“Y-Yeah,” Zoro says. “Just kinda… tired.”

“Well, I don’t blame you for that,” Sanji says, but he stares at Zoro, like his eyes are burning into him. He doesn’t believe him, does he?

Why does he feel this way? Zoro has never been very good at understanding his own emotions, but this makes even less sense than normal. He trusts Sanji. They’re crewmates. They have great fun bickering and taunting each other. They’ve been through shit together and come out the other side closer and stronger. Wait—stronger?

Is this about strength?

Well aware that Sanji keeps staring at him, Zoro thinks hard, trying to puzzle this confusion out. Could this be about… not wanting Sanji to see him as weak? After all, they’ve had a rather ridiculous rivalry for as long as they’ve know each other, and even if the whole thing is in jest, Zoro has always been one to take things seriously.

Yeah, that’s probably it. Shit, why must he be so pathetic? Sanji has seen him fucked up like this for days, so why start worrying about strength now? This is ridiculous?

“Uh, Zoro, you still there?” Sanji says, and Zoro crawls back out of the depths of his own brain to find Sanji still stood there, confused and… is that concern?

“Just… thinkin’,” Zoro mumbles.

“You sure you’re okay, man?”

Zoro swallows, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I…”

“Hang on a second,” Sanji says, and he races across the deck. He picks up a chair and lumbers back over with it, plonking it down beside Zoro. Sanji sits in the chair and grins, crossing one leg over the other like he’s about to start sipping coffee. “There, that’s better. Now we can talk without you cricking your neck. So… when’re you gonna cut the bullshit, Zoro?”

Zoro blinks, his guts twisting. “H-Huh?”

“You think I can’t tell when you’re in pain? Why didn’t you tell me? We’ve got plenty of those new, strong painkillers. Could give you one right now. Why’d you try and hide it from me?” Sanji doesn’t seem hurt or angry, just… inquisitive. He thinks. “Zoro, I know both of us can get fucking stupid about who’s the strongest and all that crap, but…” Zoro’s surprise must show on his face, because Sanji chuckles and says, “I was right, huh? I can read you like a book, man.”

“I… um…” How does he even begin to respond to that? Sanji worked out what he was thinking about, and now wants to have some sort of heart to heart chat about… something. “Uh…”

“Am I right you’re thinking about strength right now?”

Zoro sighs; there’s no point trying to lie. “Yeah.”

“I knew it. Look, we can bitch about who’s the strongest until the end of time, but that doesn’t apply right now. Being in pain doesn’t count as weakness, and admitting that you’re hurting certainly doesn’t. Zoro, our strength thing’s about fighting, not… I dunno… ability to cope with severe pain or whatever you’re thinking about. So take the fucking painkillers, and don’t ever think this sorta shit again, okay?”

He stares at Sanji. Just… stares.

Sanji chuckles. “You look like a fish right now, man.”

Zoro manages to manipulate his face into an attempt at a smirk. “O-Oh shut… up.”

Still laughing, Sanji gets up and hurries into the kitchen. He returns a few seconds later with a glass of water and one of the pill bottles the doctor gave them, sitting beside Zoro again. “Do you need help?”

For a moment, Zoro considers trying to take the pill by himself. But he imagines spilling water everywhere, and Sanji’s words ring through his mind. So he sighs and mutters, “Uh… yeah.”

And without any stupid comments, Sanji holds out the glass, letting Zoro wrap his hand around it for stability. Zoro opens his mouth and Sanji pops the pill onto his tongue, and then helps Zoro guide the glass to his mouth. He takes a few sips of water, swallowing the pill, but pushes it away before he can start choking.

Clumsily, Zoro wipes water from his top lip, and glances at Sanji. “Um… thanks…”

“No problem.”

“Not just for that… thanks for… wh-what you said,” Zoro mumbles.

Sanji grins. “Don’t get sappy on me, man. It’s creepy.”

Zoro tries his best to smirk. “F-Fuck you.”

Sanji snorts with laughter, and Zoro manages to chuckle weakly. He missed bickering with Sanji. It’s so much fun.

\---

Only a few minutes after Sanji helped him take his painkillers, Usopp glances over at Zoro and finds him fast asleep.

“Look at him,” he says. “Is this, like, a side effect of the pills?”

Sanji, still holding the bottle, twists it around and studies the text on the label. “Um… ‘ _Side effects include: drowsiness’_. I’d take that as a yes.”

Usopp chuckles. “Well, at least he’s getting some sleep.” Even with the amount Zoro has slept, he’s still sleep deprived.

Not wanting Zoro to get cold, Usopp crosses the deck and heads into the bunkroom, passing Luffy on the way. He grabs the sheet off of Zoro’s futon and tiptoes over to Zoro, carefully covering him with the sheet. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, and Usopp smiles.

“Hey, Luffy?” Sanji says, and Usopp turns his head.

Sanji stands up from his seat beside Zoro and approaches Luffy, who lies on his back in the middle of the deck. He holds his hands up above his head, flapping them gently and letting his fingers flutter around in front of his eyes. His feet twitch too, energy flowing through his whole body.

“Yeah?” Luffy says, not looking at Sanji.

“Can I ask you something? Sorry if it sounds offensive, but I don’t know how else to phrase it.”

Usopp sits down in Sanji’s vacant seat, leaning forwards to listen to their conversation. Just what is Sanji going on about?

“Uh, sure. What’s up?” Luffy asks.

“It’s just… you’re autistic, right? I only know what you and Zoro told me, but I think I know a fair bit about autism. But… something’s confusing me.” Sanji sighs, pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket. “Luffy, ever since… this shit happened… it’s like you’re… more autistic, I guess. Is there a reason why?”

“More autistic?” Luffy repeats, sitting up. He stops flickering his fingers over his eyes, but his feet keep twitching and he starts fiddling with brim of his hat. “What d’you mean?”

To be honest, it’s kind of amusing to see the usually cool Sanji struggling to find his words. He gestures wildly with his free hand, eyebrows furrowed, and Usopp fights the urge to laugh.

“Like… you do your stimming thing a lot more, and you’ve had two meltdowns in such a short space of time. I know I’m wording it all wrong, but… that’s what I mean?” Sanji chuckles awkwardly, putting a cigarette between his lips.

“Oh, I get it,” Luffy says, grinning. “You’re trying to describe a burnout!”

“A… what?” Sanji says, and Usopp blinks. Even he has no idea what that means, but he doesn’t interrupt their conversation; he can find out when Sanji does.

“An autistic burnout. It’s something that sometimes happens when we go through a load of stress, like grieving or overworking or being bullied or something. Everything becomes too much and we start having meltdowns more, we stim more and we might find it harder to speak. I had them loads as a kid. It’s kinda like… we lose the ability to hide our autism, and it becomes way more obvious we’re autistic.”

“Oh…” Sanji says, a bit overwhelmed by the infodump. “And… that’s you right now?”

“Uh huh. Ever since I had the first meltdown, everything’s been a lot more overwhelming.” Luffy smiles. “Does that answer your question?”

Sanji nods, lighting his cigarette. “Uh, yeah, it does. Thanks for explaining all that for me.”

“No problem.” Luffy’s eyes flicker over to Zoro, and his smile fades. “Now I’m thinking about it… you think Zoro’s had a burnout?”

“What d’you mean?”

“He’s finding it really, really hard to speak, but that’s not from his injuries. I think he had a burnout during… that week, and…” Luffy sighs shakily, wrapping his arms around himself. “He’s semi-verbal at the moment cos he had a burnout. That’s my theory, anyway.”

“No, that makes a lot of sense,” Sanji says, sighing. “You’re right… it explains a lot.”

As Usopp listens to the pair talk, he looks at Zoro. His partner still sleeps, oblivious to everything going on around him. Usopp just stares at him, trying not to think about what happened to him during those horrific seven days. But before he can stop them, images flash through his mind, images of torture and pain and sudden, horrible anxiety stabs him through the guts. His heart rate starts to increase, pounding against his ribs, and sweat prickles across his skin. He inhales, his lungs tight, and Usopp’s head spins.

What is happening to him? He lurches to his feet, pressing a hand against his heaving chest, and steps forwards on unsteady legs.

After only a couple of steps, Luffy and Sanji stare at him.

“Usopp, you okay?” Sanji says, uncertain.

Luffy stares at him, eyes wide, and hurtles over to Nami. He hears him babbling her name, sees him grab her hand and lead her over, but everything is starting to become a bit… fuzzy.

Nami appears in front of him, and she puts her hands on his shoulders. “Usopp? I think you’re having a panic attack.”

A panic attack? He’s never had one of those before.

He tries to inhale, but his chest just gets tighter and tighter, like a snake has coiled around his ribs and squeezes every time he exhales. Usopp lets out a spluttering noise, and then tears leak down his face. When did he start crying?

“Usopp, come into the bunkroom with me. I can help you through this,” Nami says, and she holds out a hand.

He stares down at her hand, tears dripping off of his chin. Everything is weird and dull and he can’t fucking breathe, but Usopp reaches out a trembling hand and touches her fingers. Nami clasps his sweaty hand and gives a gentle squeeze, and Usopp swallows hard.

“Come on,” she says, and she leads him into the bunkroom, shutting the door behind them.

Usopp’s knees buckle and he collapses onto a futon, sniffing. He wheezes with effort, nausea churning in his guts, and he can’t focus on anything.

Except Nami’s warm hand against his own.

Nami sits beside him, squeezing his hand. “Okay, remember when we all helped Zoro through that panic attack? I’m gonna count, and I need you to try and match your breathing to the numbers. And just remember, Usopp, I’m here, you’re safe, and everything’s gonna be okay. If you start doubting that, just squeeze my hand, and I’ll squeeze back. Ready?”

Usopp struggles to process her words through the roaring in his brain, but he nods.

“Okay, so I need you to breathe in for eight seconds, hold for five, and exhale for eight. Just focus on that breathing, and this’ll be over soon. Okay?”

“O-Okay,” Usopp mumbles.

And they begin. He has no idea how long it lasts, but Nami sits beside him, counting as Usopp does his best to force his lungs to work, dragging in deep breaths, holding them and exhaling like blowing out candles, repeating the process again and again. He keeps a probably painful grip on Nami’s hand, but she never complains, just holding him.

And, eventually, the fog starts to clear. The snake around his ribs vanishes, and Usopp can breathe unrestricted again. His stomach still churns, but he no longer feels like he might actually throw up. He trembles with adrenaline and fatigue, tears still dribbling down his red cheeks.

Usopp sniffs and looks at Nami, scrubbing at his face with the back of his hand. “N-Nami,” he says, voice still weak. “Tahnk you.”

“Not a problem,” she says. “Panic attacks are bastards, but if you know those tricks, it makes the whole thing easier to deal with.”

“I’ll try to remember it all, then. But… I’ve never had one before, Nami. Why’d it happen?”

“Sometimes panic attacks are totally spontaneous. They don’t always need a trigger. The human brain is shit like that.” Nami chuckles weakly. “But… for the record, were you triggered by anything?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I dunno, really. I was just looking at Zoro whilst those two talked about how he burned out during… those days, and then all these images of horrible shit happening to Zoro filled my mind and…” His voice cracks, and he trails off. “I panicked.”

Nami puts her arm around his waist, pulling him into an awkward embrace. “That makes sense. Just promise me you won’t feel ashamed this happened, okay? It’s a normal, if fucked up, thing to happen when you’re under loads of stress. It happens. This doesn’t make you weak or anything. Promise me you understand.”

Her rather firm tone makes him flinch slightly, but Usopp nods. “I… I promise.”

Nami smiles and presses a kiss to his sweaty curls. “That’s it. Feeling better now?”

“A lot better. Thanks.”

“Wanna check up on Zoro?”

Usopp smiles. “Yeah. Sounds good to me.”

\---

_His sword hovers in front of his face._

_Light glints off of the scratched blade._

_Dry blood stands out against shining metal._

_His blood._

_His wounds itch at the sight of it, memories of being stabbed and scratched flashing through his mind._

_His captors speak, voices taunting._

_Zoro tries to move, his cuffs dig into his wrists._

_Everything aches._

_He wants to yell at them, but he can’t find the words._

_The sword moves closer to his face, twisting to point straight at him. is it going to slice his forehead again?_

_His captors laugh. The sword moves closer._

_It hovers in front of his eye._

_Oh fuck no!_

_Please, no!_

_He’s yelling, but no sounds come out._

_The sword moves closer. Nausea churns in his guts._

_Stop!_

Zoro jerks awake, his stomach rolling with nausea. Was that a dream? Wait—he can see through both his eyes! It was just a dream. Thank goodness.

He blinks, finding himself in a chair on the deck of the Going Merry. But he trembles and his guts churn, and sweat runs down his back.

Fuck, can he go just one _hour_ without having a nightmare? And now he’s dreaming about stuff that didn’t even happen to him.

The others haven’t noticed him yet; he has no idea where Nami and Usopp are, and Sanji and Luffy are standing at the ship’s wheel, Sanji steering and Luffy navigating.

He drags in a deep breath, but the adrenaline still prickles through him and the nausea won’t leave. Zoro swallows hard, but swallows air in the process and makes the pressure in his stomach even worse. He groans—and then a powerful retch sends vomit rising up his throat, his abdomen clenching. His throat burns, and Zoro gasps, trying to catch his breath.

He retches again and puke burns the back of his tongue, making the nausea even worse. Zoro tries to bring his good hand up to cover his mouth, but he doesn’t get there in time.

He heaves, and vomit spills past his lips, splattering the sheet covering his chest.

“Shit!” Sanji yells, and he hears footsteps.

Zoro screws his eyes up, puking again.

“Oh, Zoro,” Luffy says.

He feels something cold against the underside of his chin, and wonders if Sanji shoved a bowl under his chin.

Even with his eyes tightly screwed up, tears find a way to leak down his face.

Thankfully, with the tiny amount of food he had in his stomach, the vomiting doesn’t last long. When he’s left dry heaving, Zoro opens his eyes, vision blurring with tears. Luffy stands beside him, trembling, whilst Sanji stands on his other side, holding a bowl under his chin. All he can smell is vomit, and Zoro groans.

“Is it over?” Luffy asks.

“Think… so,” Zoro mumbles, his voice hoarse.

“I’ll get you some water,” Sanji says, rushing off with the bowl in his hands.

Luffy sinks into the chair still beside Zoro, staring at him. His bottom lip twitches, and he nibbles on it. “Zoro, did you have a nightmare?”

“Y-Yeah. F-Felt so sick and… sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault,” Luffy says.

Sanji returns with a glass of water and a wad of paper towels. He presses the towels into Zoro’s hand and he brings his shaky hand up to his face, wiping his lips clean of stomach acid and spit. He spits into the tissues, trying to get the foul taste out of his mouth, and crumples them up into a ball.

With Sanji’s help, he takes a sip of his drink, the cold water soothing his burning throat.

“Feeling better?” Sanji asks, taking the tissues.

“Y-Yeah. Thanks.”

“Zoro?” Luffy says. “Wanna hold hands?”

He glances at Luffy, and spots tears in his eyes. Zoro sighs, holding his hand out towards Luffy. “S-Sure.”

Luffy smiles weakly, taking Zoro’s hand and interlocking their fingers. He squeezes gently, staring at the missing nail on Zoro’s finger.

“I’m so sorry you feel so shit, Zoro,” Luffy says, his voice shaking. “I… I wish I could help.”

“You d-do help,” Zoro says, squeezing back. “Being here… with me… it helps. L-Luffy… thank you.”

Luffy stares at him, and the tears spill over. He smiles, tears dribbling down his cheeks, and whispers, “Oh, Zoro… thank you so much. I love you.”

Zoro finds his eyes burning, but blinks back tears. He squeezes Luffy’s hand again, managing a smile. “Love y-you too.”


	11. Chapter 11

As the morning sunlight casts shadows across the deck of the Going Merry, Luffy slumps in his seat at the table, muffling a yawn into the back of his hand. They pulled Zoro’s padded chair close to the table earlier, meaning Zoro can sit with them, even if he isn’t really up to having breakfast like the rest of them. Luffy glances at Zoro out of the corner of his eye, his stomach turning and his chest aching as he remembers Zoro waking up from a nightmare and throwing up. He was so scared and embarrassed… it’s not fair.

But at least Zoro calmed down quite quickly when it was all over, and stayed in an okay mood for the rest of the day. Luffy likes to think him sitting with Zoro and them telling each other that they love them helped a lot, but he doesn’t say it, not wanting to sound cocky. And Zoro managed to sleep through the night, and if he had nightmares (which Luffy hopes he didn’t), they weren’t bad enough to make him wake up panicking. And since he woke up earlier, he’s been rather perky, and Luffy knows it was the right move to take him to see the doctor; he looks so much better all patched up, and the painkillers have taken that constant, deep frown of agony from his face.

Luffy finishes eating first, shovelling down his food whilst he actually feels like eating for once, and leans closer to Zoro whilst waiting for the others to finish.

“Do you want me to pass your drink?” he asks, pointing to the cup of water sat on the table (technically in Zoro’s reach, but he hasn’t moved to get it or even asked this whole time).

Zoro looks at him, tongue flicking across his dry lips. “If you… don’t mind.”

“It’s cool,” Luffy says, grabbing the cup. He holds it out to Zoro, keeping a firm grip on the bottom whilst Zoro’s fingers fumble around the middle of it. Once Zoro has the cup in his hand, Luffy grins. “There you go!”

“Thanks, Luffy,” Zoro says, raising the glass to his lips.

He takes a few, quick sips of water, and Luffy studies him whilst he drinks, once again noticing how… hesitant Zoro seems to actually take the water into his mouth. And Luffy can’t help remember a worry Sanji raised a couple of days back; what if Zoro struggles to drink because they… hurt him with water? Luffy has heard of water boarding, and it sounds horrific. Did that happen to Zoro? He doesn’t even want to know. And he certainly doesn’t want to ask.

“Uh, can you…?” Zoro says awkwardly, holding out the cup.

“Sure thing!” Luffy says, grabbing the cup and giving Zoro a grin.

He should stop worrying about all the things that may or may not have happened to Zoro during those seven days. It won’t help Zoro, and will only make them all feel worse. The most important thing now is helping Zoro get better.

Well, as better as he can.

\---

When Usopp puts down his chopsticks, breakfast is finally over. Sanji studies them all with a smirk on his face, still amused how much faster Luffy ate than the rest of them. Usopp was the slowest, obviously feeling sick, but now he has finished too. The only one who hasn’t eaten is Zoro, who insisted he wasn’t hungry; Sanji and Nami managed to get some food down him the moment he woke up, needing something in his stomach to take his morning painkiller. But Zoro now feels sick, and Sanji knows he probably won’t want anything for quite a while.

Sanji moves to stand up, ready to clear up after the meal like always, but he stops when Luffy raises his hand.

“Guys?” he says.

“What is it, Luffy?” Nami asks.

Luffy swallows, glancing at each of them, but his gaze never lingering. In the end, his eyes focus on the table. “I was… I was just thinking about something. Um… you know about our plan to go to the Grand Line? W-Well—”

“Luffy…” Usopp says, voice trembling, and Sanji remembers how Usopp flipped out back when they were still looking for Zoro, angry at Luffy for bringing up a dream during such a dark time.

But, thankfully, Nami acts before any potential arguments can form. She places her hand on Usopp’s shoulder and says, “Usopp, let him speak.”

And Usopp glances at Nami, before staring down at his lap. “Sorry…”

Luffy gulps, but soon gets back into his little speech. “So, I, I was just thinking… are we gonna be able to go? Is it called off forever? Delayed for a bit? I… I just dunno.”

Zoro sighs, clenching his good hand into a shaky fist. He closes his eyes, and mumbles, “I, I’m sorry.”

“Huh?” Luffy says, head snapping around to stare at Zoro. Confusion covers his features, and his hands wring together. “Zoro, why’re you apologising?”

“I… I’ve ruined your dr-dream,” he says, and his voice hitches.

“No, Zoro, man, the Grand Line thing’s not ruined,” Sanji says, just having to pipe up when Zoro looks so weak and guilty for something totally beyond his control. “It’s just… on hiatus for now, you know?”

But Sanji’s words don’t help as much as he had hoped. Zoro still shakes, eyes screwed up and guilt etched upon his sore face.

“L-Look, the dream really isn’t important right now, Zoro,” Usopp adds, voice shaking and eyes wide. “Your health’s the important thing right—”

Usopp cuts himself off when Nami stands up, bracing her hands against the table. She stares at them all, once again looking like the most mature one here (and as beautiful as ever).

“Guys, all of you shut up,” Nami says, voice surprisingly soft. “Just let Zoro say what he wants to say, and stop cutting each other off.”

Sanji nods, faintly amused when the others do too. Nami is a bit too good at getting them to do what she wants.

“Zoro, just let it all out,” she says.

Zoro opens his eyes, blinking slowly. He offers her a weak nod of thanks, and holds out his good hand; sweat coats his palm. Luffy stares at his hand, but takes the hint and grasps it, not caring about the sweat as he clasps their hands together. Those two always look rather sweet when they hold hands.

“It’s just… I feel so bad for… for f-fucking your dream up, Luffy,” Zoro says, and Luffy bites his lip, clearly desperate to say something but doing what Nami said. “And… look… we can still go.” His voice cracks and he swallows. “But… c-can we just… wait a bit longer? I, I wanna do this with you, Luffy… just, I d-don’t think I can r-right now.”

Sanji stares at Zoro, impressed by those words. Zoro really must have taken their little chat to heart, finally admitting his struggles rather than bottling them up out of fear of being ‘weak’.

Luffy stares too, and his eyes fill with tears. “Z-Zoro, I… I’m sorry.”

He covers their clasped hands with his other, carefully rubbing his thumb across Zoro’s knuckles.

“Wh-Why?” Zoro says, confused.

“Cos it’s all cos of my dream that you’re feeling so guilty when it’s not even your fault,” Luffy says, sniffling. “I’m really sorry.”

Zoro stares at Luffy. “N-No, I, I’m sorry. Didn’t wanna… upset you.”

“I’m sorry,” Luffy says, literally replying to the apology with another apology.

Sensing that this could lead to a never ending apology war, Sanji clears his throat. “Both of you stop it. We get it already. Saying sorry a million times won’t make things change.”

They both stare at him, but shut up. Luffy even manages a weak laugh, still stroking Zoro’s hand.

“Look, guys,” Nami says. “The thing is, it’s totally unrealistic to go to the Grand Line right now.”

Both Zoro and Luffy visibly wilt, but they don’t say anything.

“I think the best thing to do is keep the Grand Line in our sights, but wait until Zoro is up to it.” Nami glances at them all. “Does that sound okay?”

Usopp nods. “Yeah. Zoro’s too sick right now, but in the future…”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Sanji says, pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket.

They all turn to Luffy and Zoro, who both nod.

But as the good feeling of everyone agreeing on something settles in, Sanji can’t help but think of something incredibly obvious that hadn’t even occurred to him before.

“But… what’ll we do now?” he asks, and everyone stares at him.

Because Sanji is right; if their Grand Line dream is delayed, what do they do now? They need a new plan, a new focus. But what?

Sanji wants to hunt down the bastards who did this to Zoro, but he doesn’t say it with Zoro around. That is the kind of goal you don’t share with the sick, traumatised member of the team.

And when nobody can come up with an answer, Sanji lets out a sigh.

\---

Zoro’s strong painkillers are like a fucking miracle, they really are. With these powerful drugs flowing through his veins, he can actually think about things that aren’t the pain. Of course, his injuries still hurt (they hurt so much that he still feels sick if he moves too quickly), but the pain is more like background noise, letting him sleep easier and actually move without nearly fainting from overwhelming agony.

Although, they aren’t really a _miracle_ , as they can’t solve everything else wrong with Zoro. But he’s still incredibly grateful the others took him to see that doctor and got him access to these drugs. He feels like he can start making a real recovery with the painkillers dulling the horrific pain in his entire body.

Zoro is still too weak to walk unaided (his muscles wasted badly from being unable to move for an entire week), but without the pain sapping most of his limited energy, he finds his ability to walk improving rapidly. Now he can walk with just one person holding onto him, and if he uses something like the railing or a chair to take his weight, Zoro can even stagger a few steps on his own. Of course, he’s far away from recovery, but things seem more optimistic now.

It has only been a couple of days since he got on these drugs, but… Zoro feels quite a bit happier too. He’s undeniably still a mess (nightmares taunt him most nights and he panics over the most ridiculous things and he thinks about the water pouring over his face whenever he takes a drink and his wounds ache all the time and he kind of feels like a shell of his former self), but… he doesn’t even know how to explain it. He just… feels a bit more like his old self again.

He… he feels like, maybe, it might be possible to get better.

\---

In the dimly lit bunkroom in the middle of the night, Zoro finds something unpleasant jolting him back into consciousness. But it wasn’t a nightmare, his dreams rather peaceful for once, so what was it that woke him—?

And then horrific, nauseating pain shoots up his arm, and he understands. Pain awoke him.

He grits his teeth, realising he lies on his side, his broken arm squashed underneath him. That explains it; even with the painkillers and the cast, putting pressure on his broken arm hurts like hell. And the drugs always wear off during the night anyway, both of these things leaving him trembling with the effort of fighting back a cry of pain, awkwardly fumbling as he tries to get the pain to stop.

Zoro manages to flip himself onto his back, letting out a loud gasp before he can stop himself. The pain subsides somewhat, but still aches and throbs, making nausea prickle in his guts.

He doesn’t hear the rustling, only realising someone else is awake when he hears someone speak his name.

“Zoro?” Nami whispers, and he turns his head.

Nami props herself up on her elbow, staring at him. Usopp sleeps the closest to Zoro, but the heavy sleeper hasn’t woken up; from what Nami has told him, Nami is a light sleeper, mainly because of her PTSD, so it make sense she woke.

“Are you okay?”

“I… in pain,” he mumbles, voice even weaker than usual. “C-Can you h-help me up?”

Nami nods, sliding out from under the blankets. She tiptoes over to Zoro and slips her shoulder under his armpit, helping him haul himself to his feet. Zoro grits his teeth, stumbling slightly and putting too much weight on Nami, but she doesn’t complain, leading him out onto the deck.

He lets her lead the way, taking him to a chair by the tangerine trees. Nami eases him into the seat, and Zoro gasps for breath, cradling his plaster cast to his chest.

“You okay?” she asks, out of breath.

Zoro shakes his head. “Was… crushing my arm. It… it hurts…”

“Do you want some painkillers?”

“Uh… please.”

Irrational anxiety spikes in his chest when Nami disappears into the kitchen (what if she never comes back?), and Zoro sighs, hating himself when he gets like this. And, of course, Nami returns in a few seconds, carrying the bottle of pills and a glass of water.

With well-practised skill, she helps him take the pills, swallowing the rest of the water herself when Zoro can’t drink anymore. And then Nami carries a chair over and sits right beside Zoro, staring at the trees in the moonlight.

After a few minutes, the drugs kick in, helping to dull the already decreasing pain. Zoro relaxes his jaw, wishing the nausea would go away too.

“Feeling any better?” Nami asks, watching him closely.

“Y-Yeah. Thanks.”

“Do you wanna go back to bed?”

Zoro tilts his head back, staring up at the sky. It’s cold out here, the night time air stinging his cheeks, and his eyes focus on the moon, practically glowing in the clear sky. “C-Can we stay here… just for a while?”

Nami smiles. “Sure we can.”

She offers her hand and Zoro takes it, relaxing further when she starts to stroke his knuckles, just like Luffy did. He loves his crewmates; they know exactly how to make him feel calmer.

Zoro sighs, glancing at Nami. As he sits awake in the middle of the night, cold and in pain and holding his partner’s hand, he starts to think about his childhood. How many times did he stay out past dark, fighting and fighting and always losing but never giving up, practising his sword skills as the moon shone in the sky?

And then he thinks about his sword gouging across his forehead, slicing skin and sending blood spilling into his eyes, and…

His breathing shudders, and Zoro sighs.

“Zoro?”

He swallows, eyes starting to burn. “I… I wanna be the… greatest swords-swordsman in the world. But... Nami… I, I can’t even th-think ‘bout a sword anymore… without panicking. I… I feel so… pathetic.”

“Oh, Zoro,” Nami says softly, squeezing his hand. “You’re not pathetic. Getting traumatised is normal.”

“But, but my arm’s fucked and I’m s-so scared of… of my own sword, and… my dream’s ruined.” His eyes fill with tears, and he wills them not to spill over.

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “You’ll be able to do it one day, Zoro.”

He stares at her, the tears blurring his vision. He wants to believe her, but… he can’t. He knows Nami is just trying to calm him down; they both know the damage to his wrist is permanent and even if he does somehow get over his overwhelming fear of swords, he’ll never be able to use his Three Sword Style again.

Zoro lets out a shaky sigh, and flops his head against her shoulder. When the tears trickle down his face and drip onto her top, she says nothing. She just keeps holding his hand, the simple action helping much more than her words ever could.

\---

When Sanji awakes for the third time in the same night, he grimaces, pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyes. He always used to think he was a deep sleeper, but ever since this awful mess began, he has become a pretty light sleeper instead, constantly waking up at slight noises or for no apparent reason.

Realising his pillow has gone askew, Sanji sits up in his hammock and does his best to rearrange his bedding without tipping himself out. But as he sits up and takes a glance at the others asleep on the floor, Sanji realises two of them are missing. Only Luffy and Usopp lie there, fast asleep; where did Nami and Zoro go?

Irrational anxiety starts eating away at him, and Sanji climbs out of his hammock, tiptoes across the bunkroom and opens the door. He steps out onto the deck, trying to track them down, and trying to stop his brain coming up with fucking ridiculous worst case scenarios. Sanji looks to the side, and then he spots them.

They sit on a pair of chairs by the tangerine trees, holding hands with their heads resting together. Sanji hears a low-pinched mumble that must be Zoro speaking, but he doesn’t catch his words. The higher-pitched reply must be Nami, the pair whispering to each other as they sit out in the cool night time air.

Zoro and Nami don’t notice his presence, and Sanji doesn’t step closer to talk to them. He just heads back into the bunkroom, leaving them to it.

When he gets back into his hammock, Sanji lies on his back, staring up at the ceiling. The two of them are safe, so at least that shuts up his anxious brain, but something must have happened for Zoro to want to get up in the night. As he lies there, he starts wondering about the specific causes of Zoro’s injuries, and Sanji bites his lip hard, forcing the thoughts away.

If he starts thinking about such awful things, he’ll never get back to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Last night, Zoro fell asleep with his head resting against Nami’s, both of them slumped on chairs out on deck; despite the pain in his broken arm and the chilly night time breeze, he nodded off easily, hand still loosely gripping hers. At some point, he remembers waking, eyes focusing on his hand and the lack of Nami. And as panic trembled through his half-asleep body, Nami reappeared, carrying bundled-up blankets.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” she whispered, unfolding the blankets as she stepped closer. “I didn’t want you to get cold. Want a blanket?”

Zoro stared at her, wishing his heart would stop pounding, and managed a smile. “Um… please.”

And Nami smiled and carefully wrapped a blanket around him, tucking it down the sides of the chair to keep him covered. She slung the other blanket around herself and flopped back into her chair, holding out her hand. Zoro took it, relaxing at the familiar warmth around his fingers.

“Uh, thanks for… staying out here… with me,” he mumbled.

“It’s nothing, really,” Nami said, squeezing his hand. “Just go back to sleep. And I promise I won’t leave you alone again.”

Zoro smiled, and let his head rest against her shoulder. He closed his eyes, and fell back asleep within minutes, listening to Nami’s slow breaths and his own heart pounding in his ears.

\---

Nami awakes early, the sunrise casting light across the deck and pulling her into consciousness several hours earlier than she would have liked. Her back aches, her neck stiff and her bare feet freezing cold against the deck, and her fingers have gone numb from holding hands with Zoro in her sleep. She yawns, squinting as the sun, low in the sky, dazzles her.

That was hardly a comfortable night, but she doesn’t really care. After all, at least Zoro got back to sleep after pain woke him up, and it isn’t like she hasn’t slept sitting up before. She needs a pee and a stretch and something to drink, but Nami remembers what she told Zoro in the night, after she snuck into the bunkroom to get them some blankets, accidentally waking him up in the process. She promised him she wouldn’t leave his side while he slept. So she hopes she can fall asleep or Zoro wakes up soon, otherwise she could be here a while.

Nami stretches as well as she can with one hand intertwined with Zoro’s and still sat in her chair, wincing when her shoulder makes a sharp click. Leaning her head against Zoro’s, Nami closes her eyes, longing to fall back asleep, but the sleepiness doesn’t return. In the end, the only thing she can think to do to pass some time is sing songs inside her head, twitching her toes to the tune. It’s pretty stupid, but it beats sitting there bored stiff.

It must be at least half an hour after she awoke when something happens, a noise making her jump and cut off the musical inside her own brain. But when she realises what the noise was, she would happily go back to sitting here bored instead of dealing with this. Nami turns her head, and finds Zoro tense and trembling, letting out weak groans and whines in his sleep. His eyelids flicker, obviously deep in dream sleep, which means it must be another nightmare. Shit.

Nami still isn’t quite sure how to deal with Zoro’s nightmares, but he seems to react pretty well to her saying his name (he freaks out if someone shakes him, and leaving him in this state just seems cruel). So Nami keeps her voice soft as she says his name, repeating herself when he doesn’t respond.

“Zoro, you’re having a nightmare,” she says. “It’s okay.”

Her words probably don’t help, but it makes her feel a tiny bit better. But not a lot.

Finally, Zoro stirs. Well, he doesn’t stir so much as jolt into consciousness, eyes snapping over as he heaves in a shaky breath. Zoro trembles, staring straight ahead with wide eyes, disorientation and terror written across his sleepy face.

“Zoro, Zoro, it was just a nightmare,” Nami says, gently stroking his knuckles with her thumb.

Zoro flinches, staring down at their connected hands. His eyes trail up her arm before focusing on her face, and sudden clarity crosses Zoro’s face.

“N-Nami?” he mumbles, voice weak and shaky.

She nods, squeezing his hand. “Yeah, it’s me. You’re awake. Everything’s okay.”

But Zoro doesn’t calm down like she hoped, his ragged breaths getting shallower and shakier as he sits there, his hand coating her own with cold sweat. Zoro hunches forwards slightly, his shaky breathing coming dangerously close to hyperventilation, and the poor thing just looks so weak and helpless.

“Nami…” Zoro says, his face clammy. “I, I th—”

Before he even has a chance to finish his sentence, Zoro retches and throws up, puking all over the blanket that covers his knees.

“Shit, Zoro, it’s okay!” Nami says, but Zoro screws his eyes up, squeezing her hand tight enough to hurt.

Zoro groans and dry heaves, his eyes watering, his nose running and spit and stomach acid dribbling down his chin. He doesn’t open his eyes, just sitting there, shame written across his clammy face. “I… I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Nami says, a lump aching in her throat as she rubs his shaking knuckles with her thumb. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

\---

“I know it’s not traditional, but how does sweet onigiri sound?” Sanji says, stretching his arms above his head until his shoulders click.

He leans against the kitchen doorframe, watching Luffy and Usopp be very helpful and lay the breakfast table for him. Sanji tries not to glance over at Zoro, who still sits in the chair Sanji saw him in during the night, remembering how Nami discreetly woke him up a couple of hours ago to ask for help cleaning a vomit-covered blanket, explaining how Zoro awoke from a nightmare, panicked and threw up. The poor bastard still looks awful, and hasn’t even taken his morning painkiller yet, too nauseated to even have some water. Nami sits beside Zoro, holding his hand, and Sanji can just tell she is only seconds away from crying.

So it is fair to say it isn’t the best morning aboard the Going Merry. So why not experiment with something nice for breakfast?

“Sweet onigiri?” Usopp says, frowning. “Why exactly?”

“What kinda chef would I be if I didn’t experiment?” Sanji says. “I was just thinking about how I could make some fruit puree and put it inside the rice instead of red bean paste. Sounds tasty, don’t you think?”

Luffy smiles (an expression far duller than his normal smiles, clearly preoccupied by how sickly Zoro looks this morning). “That does sound pretty nice. Need any help?”

“Nah, but thanks for the offer.” Sanji walks over to Zoro and Nami, forcing himself to smile. “Did you two hear all of that?”

“Yeah, that sounds nice, Sanji,” Nami says, and Zoro gives him a weak nod (despite both of them knowing he won’t eat it).

“Okay, I’ll be in the kitchen,” he says. “Don’t miss me too much.”

“Who’re you again?” Usopp says, smirking, and Luffy bursts into awkward giggles.

Sanji rolls his eyes, sticking his middle finger up at them both as he enters the kitchen. Shutting the door, Sanji allows himself to chuckle.

Okay, down to business.

\---

“Zoro, I need to get up,” Nami says. “Will you be okay on your own?”

Zoro turns his head, everything still so static-y since the nightmare, but manages to process what she said. Pretty much the entire time since he woke up, Nami has been at his side, only leaving to do stuff like cleaning the blanket he puked all over (his throat still burns); when she has to leave him, she ropes one of the guys into sitting with Zoro, taking over when she gets back. He doesn’t want to be a burden, but after Nami sat with him in the night, he just feels… safest with her around.

But… he doesn’t want to be a burden. So rather than asking for someone else to sit with him, Zoro mumbles, “Yeah.”

Nami smiles, letting go of his hand, and heads off to do whatever she needs to do. His anxiety builds slightly the moment she walks away, and Zoro sighs; when did he become so fucking clingy?

He had been feeling pretty good about himself ever since he saw the doctor, but after the disaster that was a couple of hours ago, he isn’t so sure anymore. Why do his nightmares keep making him puke? Why does he keep having so many nightmares? He really felt like he was starting to get better, but… Zoro sighs again, looking down at his shaking hand. Maybe it was too soon to think he could get better after all the shit he has been through?

“Hey, Zoro.”

A voice pierces his thoughts, and Zoro looks up. Luffy and Usopp stand beside Nami’s empty chair, clearly anxious but doing their best to smile. They were fast asleep during his nightmare and the ensuing mess, but they must know what happened; the blanket hung out to dry at the back of the ship is a pretty big clue, after all.

“H-Hey,” he says.

Luffy perches on the arm of Nami’s chair, nibbling on his fingernails. “Um… were really sorry you’re feeling crappy today. Is there anything we can do to help?”

Zoro swallows, risking a glance at Luffy’s face. He tries to smile but grimaces instead. “Don’t think so… but… thanks.” He licks his dry lips, realising how long it has been since he had a drink.

“O-Okay,” Luffy says.

“Are you thirsty?” Usopp asks like he can read minds, and Zoro stares at him.

“Um… a bit.”

“Want me to get you a drink?”

Zoro flexes his aching ankles, making them both click, and clenches his good hand into a weak fist. “I, I think I need t-to get up… can you help me… to the kitchen?” he asks.

“Are you sure?” Luffy asks.

He nods. “I’m so stiff… I need to m-move.”

“Well, if you’re sure,” Usopp says. “Who do you want to help you walk?”

Zoro stares at the pair of them and shrugs his shoulder. “D-Don’t mind…”

“I’ll do it!” Luffy says, and he hurries to Zoro’s side, slipping his shoulder under Zoro’s armpit and placing his arm across his sore back. “Ready?”

With reasonable skill considering how shaky Zoro is, Luffy gets him onto his feet, and Zoro blinks hard to stop his vision wavering. His stiff muscles and joints ache with every movement, and he slumps against Luffy, dragging his feet. In hindsight, it was a pretty good idea to move now, as moving around later would only mean even stiffer joints and more pain.

He and Luffy make it to the kitchen without any issues, and Luffy knocks on the closed door with his free hand.

“Oi, no disturbing the chef!” Sanji calls, his voice fond, and then the door swings open.

And Zoro freezes. In his right hand, Sanji holds a large knife, a knife smeared with fruit juices from slicing up fruit for his weird onigiri, but Zoro doesn’t think about that. He just stares at the knife with wide eyes, a strangled gasp escaping him.

And it’s just like every time he has seen his sword since… it; all he can think of the light shining off of the blade and the sharp agony of the blade gouging through his flesh, and he shudders, trying to stumble backwards, to run away before he can get hurt again, but he can barely move and Luffy still holds onto him, keeping him upright.

And he thinks people are talking, but he can’t process it, his heart roaring in his ears as pure panic crushes his chest, and Zoro lets out a pathetic whine, wanting to escape, to run away, to do anything…

And then he’s moving, arms around him, hauling him out of the kitchen doorway. His feet drag and stumble, barely able to stay conscious, and they put him in a chair by the railing, the salty wind whipping at his face. The moment they let go, Zoro hunches forwards, bringing his hand up to his chest and trying to massage his muscles, wanting—needing—to breathe…

People talk to him, stay near him, and the knife has gone, but it is too late. And as Zoro panics over a fucking kitchen knife, he realises something very important: _I’m fucking pathetic, aren’t I?_

\---

When Zoro finally manages to calm the hell down, everything that happened during the panic attack starts slotting into place. He vaguely remembers Luffy and Sanji guiding him to the chair he sits on now, and Usopp and Nami trying to calm him but failing. And although the panic has gone and he has almost stopped shaking, Zoro doesn’t retract his earlier thought; he really is pathetic.

Currently, he is alone on deck, the others having asked him if he was okay to be left a few minutes ago; Zoro wasn’t okay—he needs company whilst he feels so vulnerable—but he didn’t want to seem even more pathetic than he already was, so he let them all go. But he really craves company, feeling so fucking alone as he sits out on deck. And although he could just yell and the others would spring out of the bunkroom and kitchen, abandoning their chores, he keeps his mouth shut.

Nami did her best to reassure him in the night that he isn’t pathetic, but he can’t believe her kind words. Only someone pathetic would have a panic attack at seeing a fucking kitchen knife, an object that was never even used during the torture. Is he really scared of every sharp, shiny piece of metal he sees? How will he be able to have a normal life if the slightest thing triggers violent panic?

Zoro sighs, shifts in his seat and stares out to sea. The ocean extends as far as he can see, the water clear and blue and rippling with waves. Not that long ago, the thought of sailing the oceans as a pirate seemed like the best thing in the world; now, all he can think is how his dreams are ruined and he can’t even get off of the damn ship on his own. He can’t do anything on his own.

Again, he thinks of what Nami said to him in the night. When he said he can’t be the world’s greatest swordsman anymore, Nami reassured him and said he would be able to do it one day. But they both knew her words were just blind optimism; he physically can’t do his Three Sword Style anymore and never will be able to again, and he just knows it will take years to get over his fear of swords—that is, if he even can.

He wants to be optimistic, but he just can’t.

When he has been at his lowest, the thing that always pulled him back was memories of his promise to… to _her_ (he can’t even think of her name without wanting to cry, even after all this time). He vowed he would become the greatest swordsman in the world, for both of them but… it isn’t going to happen anymore. It just isn’t. And if he doesn’t have that promise, that goal to strive towards… is there even a point in living?

He lets out a shuddering sigh, swallowing despite the pain in his throat. He really is a burden on the others. He really is pathetic. He really is… worthless.

Zoro stares down at his body, at his severe injuries and the tremors that still run through his weak frame, and he wants to smash his head against a wall.

His eyes drift back to the ocean, and something flutters in his guts. What would it feel like to plunge into the water below?

Wait—where did that come from? Zoro’s heart thumps in his neck, his sore stomach cramping.

This is just like back in the cell, isn’t it? When he was restrained and terrified and expecting death every time those bastards walked into the room, suicidal thoughts began to flicker through his mind. But he hasn’t had any of those thoughts since he was rescued… until now, anyway.

His suicidal thoughts have always been like this, an impulsive idea popping up in the back of his mind when he feels like total shit.

Well, that explains why he had one just now. After all, he feels like total, complete shit.

But… the thoughts aren’t exactly wrong, are they? It would be easier to die. Easier for him—he wouldn’t have to deal with these feelings and the pain any longer. And easier for his crewmates—they wouldn’t have to put up with him being a burden.

Seriously, what would it feel like to plunge into the ocean?

Well, he thinks as his breathing shudders and a lump forms in his sore throat, there’s only one way to find out…

Logic and rational thoughts fly away, and Zoro stares at the ocean. He should do this. he needs to do this. Everyone will be happier with him gone, and he won’t have to feel like this any longer.

Despite the pain in his entire body, Zoro grabs the railing with his good hand and hauls himself to his feet. He lurches forwards, banging the front of his legs against the railing of the ship (nauseating pain throbs in his badly injured thigh, but he has nothing left to throw up). Zoro gasps in pain, but doesn’t stop, just gritting his jaw as he straightens his legs, forcing himself to stand up straight.

He shifts his weight onto his injured leg, glad it can take his weight, and braces himself against the railing, the pain so severe he can’t think of anything—anything other than the desire to throw himself into the water below. It takes a massive amount of effort, but Zoro manages to raise his other leg high enough to hook his foot over the railing, and he shifts his aching body so he straddles it, both legs dangling and his grip the only thing keeping him upright.

Zoro takes a deep breath, swallows back the lump in his throat, and lets himself lean to the side…


	13. Chapter 13

There are moments in life that can leave you shocked forever after, amazed that the fates simply aligned in the perfect way to form the moment you stumbled across. Sanji realised this when he was very young, amazed and horrified how a series of pretty normal events left him stranded and starving to death. He noticed it again when fate and coincidences let them locate Zoro during those seven torturous days. And…

He remembers the entire concept of wonderfully terrifying coincidences when he steps out of the ship’s kitchen and sees… it.

Over at the edge of the ship, Zoro sits straddling the railing, legs dangling and swaying unsteadily. And as he sits there, tense and shaking, Zoro lets himself lean to the side… the side above the waters below.

The world seems to freeze. An unlit cigarette falls from between Sanji’s fingers, and he darts forwards.

“What the fuck?!” he yells, voice thick with confusion and sudden, crushing fear.

Sanji only went out on deck for a smoke. If he didn’t crave his nicotine hit in that exact moment, would he have missed seeing Zoro in such a perilous position? How could the very life of his crewmate—his friend—be so dependent on the second he chose to go have a smoke? Never has fate seemed more terrifying than in that fraction of time, as he flips out and hurtles over to Zoro, desperate to stop whatever is about to happen.

He collides with Zoro will full force, crushing Zoro’s leg against the railing. The pressure slows Zoro’s attempt to fall, giving Sanji a much needed second to fling his arms around Zoro’s torso, pulling him to the most horrific hug he has ever seen. The action squashes Zoro’s broken arm, but he has no other choice.

Zoro cries out, trying to speak but just making a small shriek, and Sanji grits his jaw and flings his body backwards with all his strength. And despite Zoro’s heaviness, momentum wins, propelling Sanji backwards and bringing Zoro with him. For a second, Sanji actually feels the flip in his stomach at the sharp movement (almost as if he were on a swing or something)—and then he smashes into the deck, all feelings being crushed as air gets knocked out of his lungs and pain flares through his body. Even more pain hits when Zoro lands atop him, and Sanji gasps for breath, his entire body aching.

He wants to lie there for a moment, to catch his breath and cope with the pain and try to process what happened, but Zoro’s shaky whines of confusion bring him right back to reality. Somewhere in the distance, a door opens and people speak, but Sanji doesn’t process it. He just pushes Zoro off of him, shifts to kneel before his friend and clasps Zoro by the shoulders.

Zoro’s head droops forwards, jaw gritted in pain, his whole body trembling as he struggles to kneel in place, and Sanji can’t work out if he would rather smack him or hug him. In the end, he simply stares at Zoro with wide eyes and lets it sink in. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he knows why Zoro was sat on the railing like that, why Zoro leaned to the side and didn’t resist as he overbalanced. Zoro wanted to fall off of the ship. Zoro… tried to kill himself.

Anger bubbles up inside his chest, merging with the fear and pain and shock, and Sanji seriously considers smacking Zoro. Why would he do something like that?

“What the fuck’s going on?” Nami cries, and her voice snaps him out of it.

Sanji looks up, finding Nami, Usopp and Luffy stood behind Zoro, staring down at the pair of them. Pure confusion is etched on their faces, Luffy bouncing up and down with nervous energy.

When Zoro says nothing ( _can_ he even say anything?), Sanji knows it is up to him to explain the awfulness that just occurred.

“Sanji?” Usopp says.

Sanji trembles, anger and fear and sadness burning and swirling within his sore chest, and before he can think of a better way to put it, he blurts out, “He tried to fucking kill himself!”

His words hang in the air like fog, suffocating his teammates. For a long, horrible moment, they just stare at him, processing what Sanji said—and then everything falls apart.

Usopp gasps, his eyes filling with tears. “Wh-What did you say?”

“You heard me,” Sanji mutters, staring at Zoro and watching his eyelids droop, going limp in Sanji’s probably-too-tight grip.

“Y-You’re serious?” Usopp says, and when Sanji gives a gruff nod, the tears slide down Usopp’s cheeks. “I, oh shit, oh shit, oh fucking shit!”

“Zoro tried to…” Luffy stares down at Zoro with wide eyes, and he lets out a shaky gasp. “Z-Zoro tried to…” He jolts like he just got an electric shock, and smashes his fists into his thighs, gasping at the pain. “I, I…”

“Shit, Zoro, are you okay?” Nami says. Unlike the two guys totally losing their shit on either side of her, she tries her best to stay calm, dropping to her knees at Zoro’s side. He doesn’t look at her, too still, hunching forwards as much as he can with Sanji still holding onto him, and it’s like someone switched off his power. “Zoro…”

Another thud as Luffy punches himself, and then he turns on shaky legs and hurtles into the bunkroom.

“Shit!” Nami mutters. “Sanji, look after Zoro.”

And as Sanji struggles to deal with the sea of emotions churning inside of him and wonders how you can even look after someone shutting down like this, Nami jumps to her feet and follows after their distressed captain.

As Nami leaves, Usopp creeps closer to Zoro, pressing his hands over his mouth to muffle his sobs. His shoulders heave and his body shakes violently, and Sanji hopes he doesn’t have a panic attack; Sanji doesn’t know how to deal with them, and he’s already trying to work out some way to help Zoro when all he really wants to do is scream and start crying. But he does none of this, looking up as Usopp approaches.

Usopp sniffles, kneeling next to him and Zoro, and he just keeps sobbing and sobbing. And Zoro just keeps sitting there, zoned out and panting for breath, and Sanji wonders if there is a way to make this situation any shittier.

Because, knowing their luck, it’s going to end up happening.

\---

Luffy doesn’t shut the door behind him, so Nami can reach him even faster. She sprints across the deck and darts into the bunkroom, shutting the door behind her (and hoping the guys are okay looking after poor Zoro out on deck). Her heart pounds, her stomach churning, and Nami hasn’t even begun to process the horror of what just happened (how did Zoro get so sick so quickly; why did they leave him alone; what would have happened if Sanji didn’t catch him at just the right time?), but she has to focus on Luffy right now. He’s melting down, and with Zoro unable to do it, she’s the best person available to help him.

Just as she expected, Luffy has collapsed onto a futon, sobbing and curling in on himself and smashing a shaking fist into the futon beneath him. He grits his teeth, tears streaming down his face, and Nami just wants to hug him—but she doesn’t, knowing Luffy is in pain right now and that would just make him worse. So she simply takes her shoes off, tiptoes towards him and sits down a couple of feet away from him. Luffy doesn’t look at her, still punching the futon (she finds herself incredibly grateful that Luffy manages to reduce the harm to his hand even in such an overwhelmed state), and Nami doesn’t speak. She just… stares at him.

Whilst she watches Luffy have the meltdown, ready to step in and help him redirect his actions if his stims suddenly become very dangerous (like the time he tried to choke himself), Nami finds herself replaying what happened on deck through her mind. Sanji looked so scared and angry, and Zoro just sat there, legs awkwardly bent beneath him and hanging his head, clearly only upright thanks to Sanji’s grip on his shoulders. And, of course, poor Usopp burst out crying when Sanji told them what happened and might be having a panic attack… Shit, she knew today was a bad day, but why did it have to turn out like this?

The bunkroom is silent except for Luffy’s sobs and the thump of his hand hitting the futon again and again, and Nami realises she can’t hear anything going on out on deck. She relaxes a bit, knowing they all aren’t screaming at each other out there, but she has to wonder how Sanji and Usopp are dealing with Zoro. Nami shakes her head to stop herself thinking about that; she should just focus on Luffy right now. Besides, the others are more than capable of looking after Zoro. She hopes.

Minutes tick by, Nami just staring at Luffy as he shakes and sobs and punches, and she wishes there was a way to just stop everyone feeling so shit. But, of course, there isn’t. She should know by now that nothing in life is simple.

Eventually, Luffy starts to calm down. Nami watches as his punches slow to a stop and he slumps on the futon, tears still sliding down his face but the jagged sobs dying in his throat. He shakes with exertion, curling in on himself as the shutdown begins. Luffy’s meltdowns follow a predictable pattern, so Nami knows he will now be nonverbal for a while, but at the same time crave company. So when he raises his head and stares at her, Nami gives a fond smile.

He doesn’t try to speak, simply shifting onto his hands and knees and crawling towards her. She can sense the unasked question, and holds her arms out, smiling reassuringly. Luffy nods groggily and crawls right into her personal space, sitting across Nami’s lap and burying his face into her shoulder. Nami wraps her arms around him and squeezes tightly, knowing he must be seeking the deep pressure of a tight hug, and Luffy sniffles, smearing tears all over her skin.

\---

After Nami leaves to look after Luffy, Usopp shakes violently as tears stream down his face, just staring at Zoro. He doesn’t want Nami, the one best suited to caring for people falling apart, to leave, but knows she needs to go look after Luffy. He and Sanji can look after Zoro, right? Except for the fact that Sanji looks pissed off and Usopp’s chest just gets tighter and tighter, and Zoro is clearly having one of his shutdowns so there is nothing they can do anyway.

“Zoro, I’m just gonna move you, okay?” Sanji says despite Zoro being way too far inside his own head to respond, and Usopp watches him shift Zoro so his back rests against the railings, allowing Sanji to let go of Zoro. Sanji shifts to sit beside Zoro, close but not touching him, and Usopp mirrors him, the railings digging into his back. “That’s better.”

“We’re just gonna have to w-wait it out, aren’t we?” Usopp says, wrapping his arms around his tight chest as he tries to catch his breath.

Sanji sighs, but nods. “…Yeah. Didn’t know before the other day, but you can’t get either of them outta this state until they’re ready.” He digs into his pocket and lights up a cigarette, puffing out smoke. “Shit, why’d this have to happen?”

Usopp sniffles. “I dunno. I mean, he was getting better, and then…”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, but he doesn’t need to. Both of them know exactly what he was about to say.

Time ticks by at an agonisingly slow pace, and all Usopp can hear is his own heart pounding in his ears. Sanji chain smokes and Zoro sits there, spaced out and breathing shakily, and Usopp can’t stop the tears falling.

And he can’t stop thinking about how if Sanji hadn’t walked out of the kitchen at that exact moment, Zoro would have died. He shivers; how did they get so close to almost losing Zoro?

\---

His head throbs, his muscles tremble and everything hurts. Zoro blinks slowly, trying to wade through the fog clouding his brain, and, for a few, blissful seconds, he has no idea what the fuck is going on. And then the memories hit him like a brick to the face, and Zoro gasps, flinching violently.

“Zoro?” Sanji says, and Zoro raises his head to find Sanji and Usopp sat either side of him. How long have they been there? How long has he been like this?

“Zoro, you’re awake,” Usopp says, sniffling. Zoro doesn’t have the energy to explain how his words don’t make sense (he was conscious this whole time, just so overwhelmed he couldn’t process anything), simply twitching his lips in the most pathetic attempt at a smile.

Because how can he smile when he thinks about what happened? How can he smile when he tried to die but Sanji stopped him and now everyone’s falling apart?

He lets out a shaky sigh, slumping against Usopp with his head on his shoulder. Zoro expects Sanji to snap at him (from what he can remember of right before the shutdown, Sanji’s shock manifested as anger, making him furious Zoro would even try to…), but Sanji just stares at him, a cigarette grasped between trembling fingers. He’s incredibly grateful that neither of them start rambling and asking him why he would do that (because whilst it seems pretty fucking obvious to Zoro, he knows none of them would understand), but… he at least wants to tell them why.

“S-Sorry,” he mumbles, voice weak and thick with barely muffled tears.

“Huh?” Usopp says.

“F-Felt… useless…” Zoro says.

Usopp stiffens, letting out a spluttering sob. “Z-Zoro…”

“You’re not useless,” Sanji says, his voice thicker than usual.

But Zoro can’t find it in him to believe Sanji’s words. The tears finally spill over, sliding down his cheeks as Usopp sobs and sobs, and over the agonising sounds of crying, Zoro hears Usopp mumble, “Zoro, please… feel better…” but he has no idea how to reply. So he doesn’t, just listening to his partner crying and wishing he really did manage to drown.


	14. Chapter 14

After sitting beside Zoro for what could have been forever, Sanji glances down at Zoro’s legs and flinches at the bright redness that catches his eye.

“What the…?” he mutters, eyes focusing on the bandages wrapped around Zoro’s thigh, bandages that conceal the severe stab wound that got infected and almost killed Zoro.

Zoro jumps and Usopp sits bolt upright, following his gaze. “Oh shit. It’s bleeding through again…”

Ah, now he understands. The shocking red that caught him off guard is fresh blood soaking through the bandages. Although that is still a valid cause for concern, given how many layers have been soaked in blood to even make the red patch show up.

“Makes sense though,” Sanji says, sitting up on his knees and tossing his cigarette butt over the side of the ship. He tries not to shiver at the memory as he adds, “I practically threw him to the floor. No wonder the scab broke open again.”

“Oh… I get it,” Usopp says, and he jumps to his feet so fast he stumbles. “I’ll get the first aid kit!”

As Usopp hurries off, Zoro stares at the growing bloodstain with vacant eyes. Ever since he called himself useless, he has just looked vacant, and Sanji has a feeling he longs to attempt suicide again, truly believing his own self-deprecating words. He sits too stiffly, still spaced out from the shutdown, and he didn’t even react to the obvious pain in his leg, making it take this long for them to even notice he was bleeding. Sanji bites back a sigh; as much as he hoped everything would go back to normal after he saved Zoro, he knows it is going to take a lot of work to get Zoro stable again, let alone feeling better. Shit, why must mental health be so fucking difficult?

“Does it hurt?” he asks, despite it being a stupid question.

Zoro nods slowly. “Badly.”

Of course! Zoro didn’t take his painkillers this morning.

“So why didn’t you say anything?” Sanji says.

“I… didn’t feel it… at first,” Zoro mumbles. “Then I did, but… didn’t wanna… worry you… even more.”

This time, Sanji does sigh. He longs to snap, but forces himself to stay calm, not wanting to upset Zoro because he can’t control his own emotions. “Zoro, man… please don’t… don’t say shit like that.”

Zoro finally looks up, turning his head in Sanji’s direction but not looking at him. “H-Huh?”

“You’re already worrying us—worrying us so fucking much it hurts—but it’s not your fault,” he says, pulling out another cigarette with shaky fingers. “You couldn’t worry us even more if you tried. But even if you could, it doesn’t matter. Worry us as much as you need. Looking after you’s what’s important. Whatever’s wrong, no matter how ‘stupid’ you think it is, always tell us.” He swallows, hating the lump that aches in his throat. “Please, man.”

“I…” Zoro swallows hard, breathing shuddering. “O-Okay.”

“Here, Zoro, lets sort you out!” Usopp calls, rushing back over with the first aid kit in his hands. He stops, staring between the two of them, and tilts his head. “You okay?”

“Oh, yeah, we’re fine,” Sanji says, smiling. “Just telling Zoro he should always tell us if he feels shit. And he said he would.”

“That’s good,” Usopp says, dropping to his knees at Zoro’s side. He gives a very forced grin, managing to make Zoro twitch his lips into a ghost of a smile in reply. “Okay, let’s sort your leg out.”

Sanji swallows again, watching Usopp carefully unwrap bandages and expose more and more blood, each flinch and gasp of Zoro’s stabbing him through the chest. Usopp starts crying, apologising for causing Zoro pain, and Sanji desperately fights back tears, wishing and wishing that their lives could be different.

\---

Luffy comes back to himself slowly, his knuckles aching and his head pounding from crying so hard. He blinks, eyelids sore, and soon notices the comforting pressure of Nami’s arms wrapped around him. He still sits across her lap, something he remembers doing whilst falling into the shutdown, and she must be very uncomfortable, yet hasn’t moved him. Luffy smiles weakly, and nuzzles his head against her neck.

“Welcome back,” Nami whispers, and he feels the vibrations in her throat as she speaks. “Feeling better?”

“Uh… yeah,” he says. It always takes a few minutes to work out how to speak again, fumbling like he’s a nonverbal kid speaking for the first time all over again. His words are faint, voice hoarse from crying, but Nami understands him.

“That’s good,” she says, still stroking his back.

Although he kind of wants to stay here forever, Luffy wriggles out of Nami’s embrace and kneels next to her. She looks like crap, face waxy and eyes red, and her hands tremble as she clasps them in her now free lap. What’s wrong with her? Is she just stressed from helping Luffy through the meltdown and shutdown? Or did something happen?

Luffy rubs his eyes, yawning hard. He’s so tired, but something tells him he should force himself to stay awake. Something… isn’t right. But what?

“Nami?” he says, noticing his hat on the floor nearby and putting it back on his head. “Did… something happen?”

Nami looks at him, and sighs. She nods. “Yeah. You don’t… remember?”

Remember? Did something happen earlier? Was that the reason he had the meltdown in the first place? Shit, why must his brain always be so foggy?! Luffy grits his teeth, trying to locate the memories of earlier (despite part of him not wanting to, certain he is about to remember something bad), and Nami just sits there, shaking, and lets him work it out.

Finally, he stumbles across a memory. A memory of Sanji’s raw anger and Usopp’s tears and Zoro kneeling on the deck, shaking and shutting down…

_“He tried to fucking kill himself!”_

Luffy jumps, Sanji’s words echoing around his head. Now he remembers. He remembers everything.

“Zoro…” he whispers, panic fluttering in his chest.

Without looking at Nami or saying anything else, Luffy scrabbles to his feet. He stumbles, the room spinning, so he blinks hard and leans against the wall to make the vertigo stop. Once he is pretty much stable, Luffy flings the door open and hurtles out onto the deck.

He finds Zoro sat pretty much where he was when Luffy left, but now leaning his back against the railings. Usopp and Sanji sit either side of him, Sanji smoking and Usopp packing up the first aid kit, slathering his hands with antibacterial gel. Part of him wants to ask what Usopp just had to do, but all Luffy can focus on is Zoro.

“Zoro!” he says, running over and dropping to his knees right in front of Zoro.

Zoro stares at him, clearly still all foggy from the shutdown, and Luffy longs to tackle him into the tightest hug. But he doesn’t; Zoro’s too injured and anxious to cope with big cuddles. So, instead, he mind goes to the only other thing he can think about, and the words burst out of his mouth before he has time to consider if this is a good idea.

“Zoro, w-why did you do, do that?” he cries, stammering his words out as he forces himself to speak.

Instantly, he regrets it. Zoro flinches backwards like he was smacked across the face, eyes widening.

“Luffy!” Nami hisses, appearing behind him.

“Don’t say it like that,” Usopp says.

Luffy swallows hard, staring down at his legs. “S-Sorry.” He tries again, making sure to keep his voice quieter this time. “But how could you?” he says, tears blurring his vision.

“Luffy, shut up,” Sanji mutters as Zoro flinches again, turning his head to look at Usopp.

Seeing Zoro flinch once again, Luffy’s tone still obviously wrong and upsetting him, Luffy’s chest tightens and a sob escapes his lips. He shudders, wanting to voice his thoughts but not knowing how to without upsetting Zoro.

Usopp sees Zoro staring at him, and holds out his hand without a word. Zoro hesitates before reaching out and bumping his shaky fingers against Usopp’s clammy palm. Slowly, Usopp interlocks their fingers, giving Zoro’s hand a gentle squeeze.

Watching the gentle hand-holding is enough for the tears to spill over. Luffy sniffles, tears sliding down his face. He stares at Zoro, remembering how close they were to losing Zoro forever. And he knows he should just shut up at this point, but he finds himself whispering, “But… why…?”

Before the others have a chance to scold Luffy for pushing the issue again, Zoro shocks them all by letting out a sound probably supposed to be a scoff. He turns his head, staring at Luffy’s chin, and with a voice full of bitterness and self hatred and sudden anger, Zoro snaps, “Fuckin’ useless.”

For a long second, everyone just stares at him. Other than the cries and screams in his panic attacks and sleep, Zoro hasn’t raised his voice since they got him back. Luffy sniffs; all of that venom was directed at Zoro himself, wasn’t it? Zoro thinks he is useless? Usopp and Sanji sigh, pained frowns creasing their foreheads, and Luffy wonders if Zoro said something like this when the three of them were alone.

Before anyone can think of how to reply, a powerful shudders runs through Zoro’s frame. His eyes get wider than ever and he tenses up, staring at them all with panic written across his face.

“Zoro, it’s okay,” Nami says, desperately trying to stop her voice shaking but not succeeding. “We’re not… mad.”

Usopp’s head snaps up. “O-Oh… oh, Zoro, we’re not gonna yell, promise.”

“Yell all you want, man,” Sanji says, fumbling as he lights yet another cigarette.

It takes Luffy the longest to realise what just happens (not to any great surprise). Did Zoro… get hit when he snapped at the bastards who hurt him? Did he get a reflex to tense up because he thought one of them was going to hit him? Luffy cries harder, hating how that place still haunts Zoro despite being safe now. He doesn’t even know how to cope with that, so focuses on what Zoro said instead.

“Zoro… you felt useless?” he says, crying harder still, sobs rattling through his aching chest. “Oh, Zoro…” he mumbles, trembling and shaking, wanting to stay strong but unable to cope with the emotions and fatigue. “You, you’re not… useless.”

Zoro keeps staring at him, watching Luffy cry, and his face crumples.

“It’s okay, Zoro,” Nami whispers, and then it hits Luffy—he’s still making Zoro feel worse.

His stomach cramps and Luffy sniffles, wiping at his eyes in a desperate attempt to calm down. He is making Zoro feel even worse. He has to stop. Swallowing hard, Luffy bites his lip to keep the sobs back, longing for that agonised expression to disappear from Zoro’s face.

He barely notices as Sanji stands up, saying something to Nami. Sanji grabs Usopp and hauls him to his feet, Usopp making a startled sound and dropping Zoro’s hand, and the three of them walk away; Luffy doesn’t turn his head, but he thinks they just went into the kitchen. Are they giving him and Zoro some time alone?

Slowly, like he doesn’t have full control over his limbs, Zoro brings his hand up to his face, smoothing the tape of his forehead dressing with shaky fingers. When Zoro says nothing, Luffy crawls closer, sitting by Zoro’s side like Usopp just did, rubbing his eyes again. He swallows hard, the lump still aching in his throat, and slowly, cautiously, extends a hand.

Zoro stares at his hand, and Luffy holds his breath, suddenly worrying that Zoro might hate him now or something stupid like that. But he doesn’t have to worry, because Zoro reaches out and takes his hand in his own. Luffy smiles, giggling weakly, and squeezes Zoro’s hand.

“S-Sorry,” Zoro mumbles.

“Huh?” Luffy says, shocked at the sudden speech. “Zoro, you don’t need to, to apologise.” He sniffs. “I, I’m the one who should say sorry.”

Zoro looks at him, eyes filling with tears. Luffy squeezes his hand again, falling into silence as he sits beside his partner, wishing there could be a way to make him feel better.


	15. Chapter 15

Behind her, Sanji shapes sticky rice into balls with skilful care. But she doesn’t look.

Beside her, Usopp jiggles up and down, breaths still too fast and jagged, and tears leaking down his face. And Nami holds his hand, squeezing gently as his sweat smears all over her palm, but she doesn’t look at him.

All of her focus is on the gap between the closed door and the frame, through which she has a reasonable view of a slither of the deck. Or, to be more specific, a reasonable view of Zoro and Luffy.

Just where they left them, the pair sit with their backs against the railings, Luffy’s knees tucked up to his chest and his head resting against Zoro’s shoulder. They hold hands, Luffy still sobbing and Zoro nibbling on his torn bottom lip, and whenever Luffy actually speaks to Zoro, his voice is too quiet to pick up on. Some would call this eavesdropping and, well… they would be correct. But her eavesdropping comes from a position of fear and concern, and she thinks Luffy has noticed her staring at him through the gap anyway, yet just lets her keep watching like a stalker.

“Nami,” Sanji says, and she jumps.

With reluctance, Nami tears her gaze from the gap in the door and turns her head. Thankfully, Usopp instantly takes her place, silencing any worries that pop up before they can make her panic.

“Yeah?”

“I understand why you’re doing it, but you really should stop spying on them like that.”

Usopp spins around so fast he stumbles, eyes bloodshot from crying so much. “But, but what if Zoro tries to…” His voice cracks, and Nami squeezes harder. “If he goes o-overboard, what’ll Luffy be able to do to stop him? He just sinks.”

Sanji sighs, rubbing his sticky hands on a paper towel. “I get it, Usopp, really I do. But stop thinking like that. Imagining the worst case scenario helps literally no one.”

“I’m just so fucking scared…” Usopp says, voice coming out as a childish whine.

“I know you are,” Sanji says, placing a hand on Usopp’s shoulder. “We’re all scared. But… I really, really don’t think Zoro’s gonna do it again.”

“But how can you be so sure?” Nami says, trying to focus on Sanji and Usopp but finding her eyes drifting to the gap in the door every few seconds, just checking that Zoro and Luffy are still okay.

“I’m not saying he’s not… suicidal anymore,” Sanji says, voice cracking on the word that makes Usopp flinch and Nami’s stomach clench. “He’ll probably still feel like this for a long while. But… I don’t think he’s gonna attempt it again. I mean, why didn’t he fight back when I stopped him, or get back up and try again?”

Usopp looks at Nami, trying to find the answer for Sanji’s question in her eyes. She sighs, slipping an arm around his waist.

“I guess… in that moment, when all the w-wanted to do was die…” Nami says, the persistent lump in her throat getting bigger. “…he forgot that, that we’re all here for him. He must’ve felt so fucking alone…”

His lips wobbling, Usopp rubs at his damp eyes with the back of his hand. “Poor Zoro…”

“Exactly, my darling Nami,” Sanji says, forcing a smile despite the pain on his face and his red eyes. “Suicide isn’t usually a big, important plan like in books and shit. It’s often just a snap decision in a moment where you feel like fucking shit, and when you’re stopped and get help, you remember everyone who’s there for you, and…” His voice quivers, and Sanji swallows hard. “And you start fighting to live again.”

A weak sniffle signals Usopp breaking down again, muffling sobs into his hand. He screws his eyes up, slumping against Nami, and Sanji shoves a paper towel in his direction.

Nami says nothing, but memories of her past flood her mind, memories of the total despair of living with Arlong. She hated him, she hated herself, and she hated life. And so many times, she just wanted to end it all…

And then her mouth is moving, and she hears herself speak. “I don’t think Zoro really wanted to die. He just wants the pain to stop. And, in that moment, the only way he could think to escape the pain was… d-death…”

And she recalls her childhood as the words spill from her mouth, so used to feeling that way that it became almost normal, but she still doesn’t bring anything about herself up. Zoro knows some of the details about the PTSD, but she doesn’t need to depress anyone else any further with those memories.

When she stops speaking, she finds Sanji staring at her, eyes sparkling and tears leaking down his face. Usopp sobs harder, pressing his head against her shoulder.

“Sanji?” she says.

He sniffs, wiping his face with a paper towel. “Sorry. It’s just… I, I remember feeling like that,” he says, and she wonders if he refers to the time he almost starved to death as a child, but doesn’t press him for more details.

“It’s okay. Cry all you need,” Nami says, rubbing Usopp’s back. She swallows hard, clearing her throat. “Anyway… kinda got distracted, but I totally see your point, Sanji. I really don’t think he’s g-gonna try again. But… but we need to make double sure he’ll never feel like that again.”

“Y-Yeah,” Usopp says. “We gotta support him better.”

“Yeah, but I think we can do it,” Sanji says, and he claps his hands together so suddenly both she and Usopp flinch. “Anyway! I finished the onigiri. Let’s have a very late breakfast.”

Usopp sniffles, but manages to smile. “Y-Yeah. Good idea.”

“Yeah, distraction’s the best way to go,” Nami says. After all, they can’t stop Zoro feeling so dreadful, but if they can take his mind off of it for even a few seconds with Sanji’s weird onigiri, then that’s a success in her book.

\---

Zoro sniffs, his head stuffed up from crying so much he could be mistaken for a person with the flu. Everything aches so badly, his reopened wound throbbing and his head pounding and his eyes aching and everything just so overexerted and weak and shaky. He sits on the deck of the Going Merry, Luffy sat beside him with his head resting against Zoro’s shoulder, and listens to their heavy breathing and the sounds of the ocean and his own fucking heartbeat pounding in his ears.

As he sits there, silent and still, his mind keeps drifting back to the moment he almost ended it all. He was so close, almost toppling over the side of the ship and falling into the ocean and drowning and ending his life and—

He was so close to the escape he craved—he needed—when Sanji grabbed him and sent them both tumbling to the deck. And since then, nobody has left him alone. Instead, they have all kept him company, reassuring him and crying and redressing his wound, and right now the comfortable weight of Luffy’s head reminds him that he isn’t alone.

To be perfectly honest… what he craved was not actually death. Part of him still wants to try again (and he keeps thinking of ways to do it, such as taking one of the kitchen knives or…), but death was never the end result. The suicidal thoughts still hit him, reminding him that he is a burden and can never achieve his dreams, but all he really wants is a way to escape the shit show that is currently his life. And as he sat alone on deck, the suicidal urges built and logic and reason faded away, and all he could think about was how it would be easier for everyone if he was dead…

But why should they have to take the easier option? Now he has been stopped from killing himself, Zoro remembers how much everyone cares for him—and they want to do it. He isn’t a burden to them.

When he was sat on deck, feeling so fucking alone he couldn’t even describe it, his brain lied to him. His unwell mind tricked him, manipulated him into thinking his death would solve all their problems. But it wouldn’t. Because nothing, even death, is that simple.

Zoro lets out a long, shuddering sigh, blinking away the tears clinging to his eyelashes. He still feels weak and pathetic and worthless—and he isn’t sure if he will ever stop feeling this way—but now he has calmed down a bit, he can think rationally again. And he realises that just because he feels that way… that doesn’t make it true.

“Zoro?” Luffy mumbles. “That was a big sigh.”

“Oh, sorry…”

“Not what I meant. Wanna talk about anything?”

Zoro swallows hard, longing for the lump in his throat to go away. “Not really. But… thanks.”

Luffy giggles weakly, nuzzling his head against Zoro’s shoulder. “No problem. Love ya, Zoro.”

“L-Luffy…” Zoro says, those simple words stunning him for a few seconds. But, eventually, he remembers how to say, “Love you too.”

They both turn their heads when the kitchen door opens, Sanji emerging with dishes of food balanced on his hands. Nami and Usopp follow him, Usopp scrubbing at his very red eyes and Nami rubbing his back.

“Breakfast’s finally done,” Sanji says. “Everyone get your asses over to that table.”

Luffy giggles. “Pushy bastard.”

Nami says something to Usopp and he nods, darting across the deck. Zoro watches him grab Zoro’s padded chair and haul it over to the dining table, only looking away when Nami crouches in front of him.

“I know you’re probably not hungry, but let’s try and get some food in you,” she says. “Then you can take your painkillers. That sound okay?”

To be honest, nausea still churns in his guts and the last thing Zoro wants to eat Sanji’s sweet oni-fucking-giri, but hunger rumbles beneath the nausea, and he has to wonder if eating will stop his head pounding so much. “Y-Yeah. Okay.”

Nami smiles. “Good. Are you okay to help me move him, Luffy?”

Luffy nods and drags himself to his feet, his slow movements unlike his usual energy. “Yep. Ready when you are, Zoro.”

He manages a smile and holds out his good hand, gritting his jaw to brace himself for the pain. At least, he tries to do that, but nothing can brace him for the burning pain in his thigh when Nami and Luffy help him to his feet; how dependant on those painkillers has he become in just a couple of days? Zoro groans, forcing out a shaky breath, the pain contorting his face as he puts far too much of his body weight on his partners.

But they don’t complain. They just wait for him to adjust to standing and reassure him, and then match his pathetically slow pace when he dares start to walk.

After what feels like hours, Zoro eases into his chair by the table, the heavy padding still not enough to muffle the jolt of pain upon sitting, but it beats sitting on the floor like earlier. He slumps backwards, eyes half-shut as he gasps for breath, drenched in sweat despite moving less than twenty feet.

“Well done, Zoro,” Nami says, smiling, and he grimaces in reply.

“Now, I know I don’t really feel like eating, but I spent a long time making this, so we’re all eating, end of story,” Sanji says, a playful smirk on his lips as he sets an onigiri on the table within Zoro’s reach.

Usopp chuckles, the sound hollow (but at least he isn’t crying). “Why don’t you make us treats more often, Sanji?”

Sanji mimes throwing an onigiri straight at Usopp’s face, before saying, “Because I can’t be bothered.”

Despite her perpetually anxious expression, Nami chuckles. “Well, at least you’re honest.”

Shuffling as close to Zoro as he can, Luffy picks up an onigiri and takes a tentative bite. He hums and chews slowly, clearly having to force himself to swallow.

“Is it okay?” Sanji asks.

“Yeah. Really nice. I’m just not too hungry,” Luffy says, but he takes another bite.

As the five crewmates start eating, none of them particularly enthusiastic but eating regardless, Zoro manages a few tiny mouthfuls of the very sweet rice and fruit before the nausea comes back like a punch across the face.

“I can’t… eat any more,” he says, placing the half-eaten onigiri back on the plate.

“That’s okay,” Nami says. “You did good. Wanna take your pill now?”

Zoro nods. “Please.”

Cramming the rest of her onigiri into her mouth (and making her cheeks puff out so much Luffy and Usopp start snorting with laughter), Nami hurries into the kitchen and returns with the bottle of painkillers. Whilst having obvious chewing with so much food in her mouth, Nami hands Zoro his cup of water and pops the pill onto his tongue, helping him hold the cup steady as he swallows just enough water to wash the pill down.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, wiping water from his top lip with the back of her hand.

With a forced, exaggerated gulp, Nami manages to swallow her mouthful of rice. She giggles awkwardly when Luffy and Usopp keep laughing, and takes a long swig of water before saying, “No problem.”

As his pain medication starts dissolving in his stomach, Zoro watches his crewmates eat. He studies them all, looking at the people who rescued him and look after him and saved him when he tried to… and he desperately wants to say something. But he waits until they have all finished eating, before finally taking a deep breath and saying, “Guys?”

“What’s up, Zoro?” Luffy says.

He swallows, staring down at the missing nail on his finger, and closes his eyes. “I really… am sorry.”

“We know, man,” Sanji says, voice soft.

“It’s okay,” Nami says. “We understand. Really. Just… promise to tell us if you ever feel that awful again, okay?”

Slowly, he opens his eyes. As a lump starts aching in his throat all over again, Zoro stares at them and mumbles, “Thank you. F-For everything.”

He wants to say more, to thank them for the never-ending support, but he can’t find the words. But, judging by their smiles and the tears leaking down Luffy’s face, Zoro realises his feelings got through to them regardless.

\---

Exhausted after such a horrible day, Zoro falls asleep not long after their meal, and doesn’t wake when Nami says his name. So, in the end, she asks the guys to carry Zoro back to the bunkroom, and she covers him with a blanket, just studying his peaceful, sleeping face.

Only when they stand back out on deck with the bunkroom door shut behind them does someone break the silence.

“I, I really thought we were gonna lose him,” Sanji whispers, hands shaking as he fumbles for a cigarette

“I know,” Nami says, patting his shoulder. “But we didn’t.”

Usopp sniffs, wrapping his arms around Luffy and tugging him into an awkward embrace. Luffy’s eyes widen, clearly puzzled, but he just starts rubbing Usopp’s back, not questioning his need for a hug.

Once he has finally managed to light a cigarette, Sanji takes a long drag before muttering, “I know it’s fucking stupid, but… before this morning, I thought he was getting better—slowly, obviously, but the improvement was there. I guess I, I just didn’t realise… how deep the trauma runs. He’s so fucked up.” He puffs out smoke, quickly adding, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m happy to look after him for as long as needed—that’s what being crewmates is all about—it’s just… how fucking bad did they hurt him?” Sanji’s eyes sparkle with unshed tears, hand shaking so much he almost drops his cigarette.

Unsure of what to say, Nami settles a hand on his back, rubbing in slow, gentle circles.

“We need to find them,” Luffy says, not noticing how Usopp tenses up in his embrace. “We’ve gotta—we fucking need to—make them pay for what they did to—”

“Luffy.” Raising her other hand warningly, Nami watches him fall silent. “I get it, I really do. I know how much we all want revenge.” And how much she wanted revenge against the bastard who took everything from her, she adds in her head. “B-But answer me this: will revenge make Zoro feel better?”

Luffy flinches like she slapped him, stunned.

Not letting go of Luffy, Usopp turns his head to look at her. “Y-You’re right…”

“I want it too,” Nami says. “But it won’t help Zoro. If anything, tracking them down might make everything worse. Maybe in the future, when Zoro’s feeling better, we can start thinking about getting revenge for everything they did. But for now…” She blinks, a tear sliding down her cheek. “All that matters is helping Zoro feel better.”

Sanji sniffs, rubbing his eyes. “You’re right…” he mumbles, echoing Usopp. “Sorry for bringing that up.”

“It’s okay,” she says. “Oh, and nobody bring this up with Zoro, okay?”

The three guys nod, and Nami manages a smile.

“We’ve gotta do what’s best for Zoro,” Usopp says, handing her a tissue.

“B-Because we love him,” Luffy says, sniffling.

“Exactly,” Sanji says as Luffy and Usopp start to smile and more tears slide down Nami’s face. “As long as we’re all looking out for him—and each other—then everything’s gonna be okay.”


End file.
